This guy was just lying on top of his surfboard — not even in the water, really — when CHOMP, oh hey, there's a fucking shark attached to my thigh. The shark was "only" eight feet and gave up when the surfer fought back, and his thigh still looks like raw hamburger.
I'll say it again: FUCK surfing. I know it's fun to ride waves and hang ten and sound like an idiot when you talk, but my thighs aren't gonna be hors d'oeuvres at the big shark party in the sea. I get chewed up by mosquitoes any time I come within 300 yards of standing water, I don't wanna think what sharks would do for a taste of me. This is Grade A, tasty-ass blood getting pumped by my wicked black heart, and I'll be damned before someone gets to taste it. Unless you're a really sexy vampire. Then we'll talk.