Is there anything worse in the sports media than completely senseless weekly power rankings?  Well, yes: endless cuts to the fucking bands during BCS games. And also people who actually have some kind of emotional investment in power rankings. 

1. Scarlett Johansson.  Hmmm… the floppy beret and ugly dress say "unwanted body hair," but the big rack and Obama pin say, "Let's fucking party."  If she keeps stumping for Obama, I've prepared a long list of "campaign trail" innuendos.

2. Fin.  The Canucks' mascot gets it on with Pam Anderson, ensuring a future generation of whorcas. (thanks, W.A.S.)

3. Andy Roddick.  Screwing a swimsuit model gets you everywhere in my power rankings. 

4. Bill Parcells.  (assembles staff) "Let's see… you're fired, you're fired, you can stay.  Nah just kiddin you're fired too."

5. Dark Fudge Drizzlecorn™.  Sound gay?  That's because it's got Joe Buck's name on it.

6.  Mike S.  Here's what this shithead wrote to me after I banned him: "Good thing you erased my comments, wouldn't want your faithful audience to think you sucked. Good luck with the website and I hope your skin gets a bit thicker." 

So now you know the awful truth.  This site sucks, and I just ban truth-tellers like Mike because I'm trying to keep my readers, not because I hate dealing with America's Funniest Home Video-loving assholes who add nothing funny to the comments.  God I miss killing people sometimes.

7.  Scottie Pippen.   If he doesn't get that Bulls coaching job, he can still shill for Mr. Sub.

8.  Kenny Irons.  Nice socks.

9.  Kevin Youkilis.  Take down a SlumpBuster, indeed.

10.  The Winter Classic.  Nice job, hockey.  There may be hope for you yet.

Random video of the week: Raquel Gibson is attractive.