With Leather editor/patriarch Matt Ufford is in Arizona for Super Bowl festivities.  He will file daily reports from Arizona until at least Monday, February 4th. 

First, let me say one thing: holy fuck am I bored.

With that out of the way, let me get down to what I've been up to (No good! LOL!).  My flight landed around 10:30 local last night, and I had to wait for-goddam-ever for my luggage because apparently the Phoenix Airport only has like two baggage handlers (heh… "baggage handlers").  Of course, it would have been easier to only take a carry-on bag, but when you travel with as many stuffed animals as I do, your bag doesn't fit in the overhead.

So I finally get my luggage and rental car, and I talk on the phone to some of the other bloggers in the area (all of whom have credentials, thanks for LITERALLY NOTHING AT ALL, FanHaus and AOL parent.  Glad your NFL columnist is such a fucking high priority).  Chris Mottram wants me to come downtown and drink, and as much as getting a DUI late at night after a six-hour flight sounds totally awesome, I take a rain check for the next night.  I also talk to Sports Bog's Dan Steinberg.

Me: What are you doing tomorrow?
Steinz: I don't know.  I was going to go to the team press conferences in the morning, but today [Media Day] was so depressing I don't think I can do it again.  What about you?
Me: You should come with me to the NFL Experience.  I wanna take some video of me sucking at the different events they have set up.

So we check the events schedule, and Wednesday is Kids Day at the NFL Experience.  So that's out.  Fucking kids.  Always getting in the way of my fun.  "You have to pay child support wah wah wah."  It's like sheesh, I moved to a different state, how'd you get this number?

Now it's today, Wednesday.  I've got no access to anything and no way to get to Radio Row, which is the only remotely interesting NFL-related thing today. [NOTE: I know some of you sports radio homos read this site, email me and invite me on your show already.]  So I've kind of just used today to relax and get ready for the rest of the week.  I woke up late, went to the gym for a workout of such blistering white-hot intensity that it briefly blotted out the sun, then tried to go for a dip in the hot tub. 

And you know how steam comes off of hot tubs on chilly nights?  Well, steam was coming off this hot tub in 65-degree weather, which probably should have been an indicator that this was no pleasant Whirlpool but an angry cauldron of hell.  Smart guy that I am, I figured it out right after scalding my feet.  Then for good measure, I was like, "no way is a hot tub actually too hot."  So I put one foot back in and kept it in long for tears to start streaming down my face.

This was at 11 a.m.  I was outside in a swimsuit by the pool, so I decided to get some sun, because a couple people have noted in the past that I have a fair complexion.  I laid down, listened to some classical music, and just relaxed.  Ahhh, this is so nice, I thought.  Some time by myself, relaxing in the sun.  No email or Internet or any of the stuff that ordinarily consumes my life.  AHHH GODDAMMIT I'M BORED.  But it was a nice twenty minutes while it lasted.

So yeah, I'm bored out of my damn mind.  But things will pick up in tomorrow's report, even if I have to go to casinos and strip clubs tonight to make it happen.  That's the kind of thing I'm willing to do for my readers.  Oh, and here's a loose schedule of highlights for the rest of the week.

Thursday: NFL Experience, Deadspin party
Friday: Try in vain to get into Maxim party, get drunk
Saturday: Penthouse Party
Sunday: I guess there's a football game? 

I'll be back tomorrow with better adventures, pictures, and that same rakish devil-may-care attitude that drives the ladies so wild.  Rowr-ROWR!  Here comes trouble!  I'm gonna show those stuffed animals what a tea party really is!

Lest you ever ponder leaving your computer and venturing outside for some exercise, let these stories of casual bike riders be your guide to stay put and let your ass get fatter.

A Spanish driver who collided with a cyclist is suing the dead youth's family $29,300 for the damage the impact of his body did to his luxury car, a Spanish newspaper reported on Friday.Businessman Tomas Delgado says 17-year-old Enaitz Iriondo caused $20,500 of damage to his Audi A8 in the fatal 2004 crash in La Rioja region…

Delgado, who has faced no criminal charges for the incident, wants a further 6,000 euros to cover the cost of hiring another vehicle while his car was being repaired, El Pais said.

But wait, there's more:

A Glenn County sheriff's deputy shot a man with a Taser gun for allegedly riding his bike at night without proper lighting. According to a sheriff's spokesman, the bicyclist ignored warnings from the deputy he would use the stun gun, then fled on foot. One probe struck the bicyclist, Omar Herrada Rivera, 39, but he did not receive a shock.

After being checked out at a hospital, Rivera was held in the county jail on suspicion of resisting arrest, riding a bicycle without proper lighting, riding under the influence of alcohol and using false citizenship government documents.

See what can happen? You're safer here. Stay close, stay close. Just tell me you won't get on the bike again. Just play Paperboy like a good little man. All those video game tornadoes can't hurt you. -Christmas Ape

The Boston Globe reports that the elderly and the boring are in a lather about the Patriots planning to hold their Super Bowl victory rally on Tuesday, which would make for messy conditions by coinciding with the Massachusetts presidential primary. Politically engaged people in search of a polling station would run afoul of their natural enemy: the sports fan. The political people will voice their disdain of sports and the Patriots fans will pour beer on then and, if the politically engaged people are black, beat them senseless.

If the Patriots win the Super Bowl in Arizona on Sunday, a parade would be held Tuesday, the earliest the team would arrive home.

Eight marquee players are leaving Wednesday for the Feb. 10 Pro Bowl in Hawaii, city officials said, making Tuesday the best choice for a Pats rally.

Of course, the New York primary is also held on Super Tuesday, but nobody expects them to win, so it's a total non-issue. -Christmas Ape

It's surprising how few coaches know how directly proportional your team's performance is to the frequency of profanity in your pep talk. Not this guy. NOT THIS FUCK FUCKING FUCK FUCK FUCK -Christmas Ape (Fuck)

[Deuce of Davenport] 

Premier League midfielder Bob Malcolm was fined and banned from driving for 20 months for parking his car in the middle lane of a major highway and falling asleep at the wheel. 

Bob Malcolm, 27, a midfielder with Derby County, said he had been "overtaken by tiredness" and thought he had pulled over to the side of the road. The driver of a recovery vehicle found him slumped over the wheel of his silver Range Rover and had to wake him up before calling the police.

On the QPR website Malcolm said: "I want to apologise to all the supporters and in particular the young fans. I recognise that footballers are role models and that, as such, they should set a positive example. On this occasion, I have failed to do that.

"But I must say that I was very upset and frustrated with the poor performance of the referee in our match at Plymouth the evening before."

QPR had lost 2-1 on Boxing Day to a winner scored in the fourth minute of injury-time.

A typical reaction to any spate of questionable officiating, I must say. Remember during the AFC Divisional playoffs, after Antonio Cromartie's interception return for a touchdown was overruled by a phantom holding call right before half? As soon as he got to the locker room, what happened? Voila. Passed out. Happens to all of us. -Christmas Ape

In an interview to promote an unwatchable movie in which she plays the ghost of a vindictive controlling harridan trying to cuntblock some woman from sleeping with her man after she dies, vindictive controlling harridan Eva Longoria said she'd do the same thing to Tony Parker even if she did the world a solid and stepped in front of a firing squad tomorrow.

"I would sabotage every relationship he is in. I would not let him move on, I’d just lay in bed and watch him. He’s not doing anything without me. I’d be like if I’m going to the afterlife you’re coming with me.”

Can't image why Tom Brady turned down the marriage proposal of some nutty Mexican broad, can you? You think it's all 'til-death-do-you-part, but you're in for an eternity of emasculating psychobitchiness and an afterlife of hanging out with the great Bitches of History. I bet Longoria has Marie Antoinette and Eva Braun over every other night and they spend hours shrieking and clawing at Parker's scrotum. -Christmas Ape