Still not as white as Wes Welker

The erudite jesters over at NPR have put together this Shakespearian tale of Bowls most Super, replete with flowery, allusive language and obscure references to things I read in high school between paint huffs. It stars Kornheisercranz and Wilbonstern (not yelled felled by ye old cardiac infarction) heaping praise and seminal fluid upon the quartered backs of Sunday's contest.

Wilbonstern:: But look now, who approaches from yon other way?
'Tis young Eli, who seems, in his manner, yet a boy,
No match for such a paragon as the dauntless Brady.

Kornheisercranz: 'Tis so, he is yet more Manning than man,
But the football blood that fills that callow vessel
Is as royal as Brady ever bought to his captured throne.
Eli is the seed of the sainted Archie
And thus branch from the same tree as Peyton,
He, who made stallions of Colts but twelvemonth past.
Mayhap the lad can, with a pigskin, find the same mark
Little David did when bookies of yore favored huge Goliath. 

This totally sucks because nobody gets called a cuckold. Not even Michael Strahan, who's been cuckolded many times over. And there's no death. Not even one Patriot gets horribly butchered. Even Zombie Shakespeare could do better than this. I say booeth to you, good sirs. -Christmas Ape