MONDAY SUCK-OFF: SUPER BOWL PREVIEW
01.21.08
Ahhhh, nothing quite like a holiday Suck-Off to start the week. There's not a whole lot to say about the AFC Championship — the only thing surprising about the Pats' win was Brady's tendency to throw the ball to the Chargers, but you can get away with that when your red zone defense is wound tighter than Philip Rivers at the AVN Awards.
Over in the NFC, we learned that that whole Lambeau Field mythology is a steaming load of horse shit. Old Man Favre and the Cheese Brigade were gifted two field goal misses, a Plaxico Burress drop inside the five, and the ball to start overtime, but their magical gay stadium still couldn't get them a win.
After some deliberation, I've decided to name the entire city of Green Bay as the winner of the conference championship Suck-Off. It wasn't easy to wrest the title away from Lawrence Tynes, but Packers fans are such retardedly douchetastic homers that I want the Packers' failure to extend all the way to the people who were entirely too invested in it in the first place. Maybe next time don't go bragging about how your team's going to win just because someone had the temerity to predict a victory for the other team (ahem and ahem). Eat a dick, cheeseheads.

"Packers fans are such retardedly douchetastic homers that I want the Packers' failure to extend all the way to the people who were entirely too invested in it in the first place."
No one tops the Patriots in that category. Ever.
@ The Hero — Counterpoint:
[sports.yahoo.com]
I am now 1-9 against the spread in the postseason. I am the true sucker-offer.
What a beautiful moment, hearing the fans in Green Bay hollering and screaming before Tynes kicked the ball through the uprites, than DEAD SILENCE. Reminded me of some prolific moments in my life, hearing the screaming and hollering than……….
It's just nice to see long-suffering New York and Boston sports fans get their moment in the sun. Speaking of the sun, I hope they all get skin cancer in Arizona. Go Cancer!!!
@hugh b.
Tom Coughlin better watch out. That's some sensitive fuckin' skin he's got there.
@doggie.
+Many. Way to somehow work in dead hooker jokes with the Silence of Lambeau Field.
doggie, doogie, same shit. Still hungover from last night.
I'm just happy that my New England Patriots are back in the Super Bowl.
Doesn't surprise me that the gayest superhero ever is a Pats fan. Special mention to the shittiness of Al Harris. THAT is apparently a pro bowl cornerback???
I can't wait for Carl's rant this week, his shoulder hair had to be standing straight up during that game.
Matt, you win.
Ya' know how I know you're gay? You were a Yankees hat that's white, mesh and adjustable in the back… Oh, and you're tongue kissing that guy in the Sawx cap.
Am I the only one who is thankful that we've been spared a Manning vs. Manning Super Bowl?
Think of the headlines!
I don't know, Punch. I'd kind of enjoy some Mann on Mann action. High fives anyone?
It'd be the DSL league all over again!
Oops, I forgot the R.
Burnsy, high five fo sho! Oh, and…. YAY Giants! They won despite Lamfuck Field.
Considering the field is heated, the Lando Field myth ceased having any plausibility long ago. The sooner Favre finally retires, the sooner we no longer have to hear announcers verbally fellate him during Packer games and during pre- and post-game shows.
Finally! A Super Bowl I couldn't give a rat's ass about. I wonder what else is on TV that night?
@ChrisP
Don't worry, like any good slut, announcers will find someone else to verbally fellate.
Do you Giants fans want to go ahead and start verbally fellating Eli now or wait until the bye-week is over? I know you wouldn't want him to feel bad and flake out or anything. Again.
did anyone else hear Joe Buck refeer to Lambeau as "truly the greatest stadium in all of sports"?
Once undefeated in the postseason at Lambo, the Pack have now lost 3 of their last 5 there. Time to "pack" it in Bretty. You can't play the Seabirds everytime (sorry Uff).
@Chris P, & Punch
I see Brady being that guy. I assume he will be walking on water, and curing AIDS in two weeks.
Not only am I happy that we were spared the DSRL-esque Manning vs. Manning in the Superbowl, but I'm happy that we were spared the testosterone-off of Farve vs. Brady in the Superbowl (and the relentless speculation swirling around whether or not Farve would retire if the Peckers won).
Now I can go back to rooting against the Patriots, because as bad as the '72 Dolphins (and their fans) are, at least they're all 35 years closer to dying. Having the Pats run the table will condemn us all to a never-ending cycle of douchebaggery.
@ Enrico, yeah great job by Harris. He’s actually a member of the All Blow team. Maybe if he cut of those stupid looking Predator braids. I though Latrell Sprewell was the last douche that would wear those on national television.
I don't know, Lothar. We haven't seen that kind of battle of chins since Tiananmen Square. See what I did there? High fives on the flip side anyone?
What's the over-under on when the tri-state area releasing some bro-tastic Giants Super Bowl "song" like a dirty bomb and cranking it non-stop on PLJ and Z100?
(I haven't yet listened to terrestrial radio today so this may have already happened).
1 post by 120 EST? Someone check on Matt, he might have gone a little far with that whole asphyxiation thing.
Eat cheese dickhead,Dreamboat is all over it.
Funny that Matt called him "Old Man Favre" too. I used that for two fantasy team names this season. They both choked in the championship game. Coincedence? No way…..
Although I may add "and the Cheese Brigade" for next year.
Like all government workers, Ufford gets the day off.
Which reminds me, Happy Martin Lawrence King, Jr. Day to everyone! Especially black people. We good now?
Shit, someone seriously needs to check on Matt. Scarlett Johansson allegedly got engaged.
are all you americans off today? i feel like a chump working here in the frigid cold cubicles of canada.
@merk hell no. however, i do have the bold contrast of about 10 degrees outside to a balmy 92 in my office (89 if i leave the door open). it's no gillette stadium, but it will do.
I am working my ass off here in Richmond Va. You know, we have to work doubley hard on MLK day. Southern thing I guess…(hidden sarcasm)
I didn't have to work, I'm just MLK'n the clock.
See what I did there.
The lack of posts makes the work day drag ass. I was really looking forward to making fun of Herschel Walker and Herschel Walker and Herschel Walker…
We could be like the FilmDrunk commenters and just have conversations completely unrelated to the topic.
I think Matt is catatonic after seeing the Scarlett/engagement rumor over on WWTDD.
that ship has sailed i think Burnsy. Unless MLK had something to do with Elisha finally going to the SB.
We could also be like the asshats on wwtdd and just make the same old joke about Britney's vag.
Someone would've had to have started all the comments off with first or fist or whatever is the funny, edgy way to do it these days.
@merk
Don't bring up Brit's snatch. I can't even put salsa on my tacos any more.
Adultswim needs to get off their ass and post a Carl video.
So….
Does anybody like… stuff?
I love stuff!
@ Merk: Forty-third!
Jesus Christ..I go to a meeting for a little while, than come back thinking that there will be something new, and we have resorted to BRITS SNATCH and FIRST (43rd) comments! Doesn't Matt know he has a fucking obligation here to entertain us! WTF over!?
I've been doing some serious research on the Scarlett news, and I just don't see it happening. I mean Ryan Renolds is good as Van Wilder and all, but that's about it. Don't get me wrong. I enjoyed seeing how Van Wilder would act around a vampire clan, and how Van Wilder would look fat with braces. The guy's got less talent than David Cox-Arquette. And what, she's going to settle for Alanis Morissette's seconds for the next 6 months before the divorce? And seriously, who announces a coming announcement of a pending engagement anyway? Sorry, I just don't buy it.
P.S. God damn Pauly, that avatar is really fucking disturbing..You have had that for a few days and it still troubles me. I keep thinking it is a pic out of Lord Of the Rings or something.
YAY Giants!
BTW, what the hell happened to Liv Tyler?
@doogie
If you think T.O. crying is disturbing, that is saying a whole fucking lot. What do you suggest?
@pauly there's always bekham in a santa hat
You would think Matt would at least put a random hot chick up there as the lead post on his page, rather than two bearded dudes kissing.
Piss poor Matt. Martin Luther the King would be ashamed.
/trying to lure Matt out of his slumber
@bp
ohh, talk about a stocking stuffer.
@Pauly-Nah, keep it dude! If you want to put some tits and ass up there I won't complain.
I despise T.O. so any pic of him crying will give me an erection that rivals tits and ass. Plus, I can't pick just one pair of tits or ass.
Any of you fellas see Aikman & I bumping our FOX issue black wool peacoats. I like to mix it up with the jocks to stay warm. Boo-yah!
By stay warm, do you mean penetrating Aikman?
To all you SEC folks out there, Happy James Earl Ray Day.
Baton Rouge must be a ghost town right now.
I'm still 50/50 about Eli being mildy retarded. Seriously.
At least I have nice bloody pictured from the BJ Penn/Joe Stevenson fight Saturday.
[www.sherdog.net]
@bp
Those were some pretty sweet fights. Everyone was getting slept.
hell yeah, card looked bad on paper but turned out to be one of the best in a while
Kendal Grove got KTFO. That surprised the shit outta me. I thought it was ironic that the bloodiest fight ended in submission.
It was a better PPV purchase than the Trinidad vs. Jones Jr. fight. Helen Kellar could've called that one.
Hello? Mrs. Pummelhorse? I'd like to get down now.
i didn't catch any of the trinidad/jones fight but i heard it was pretty bad. i wouldn't have minded watching it but i'd had way too much tequila by that time.
I was switching between those two fights but watching the UFC fights more. The Penn/Stevenson fight was on at the exact time Jones/Trinidad was on. But no tequila for me. It was shots of 151 and ice water.
So how bout that Tomlinson dude…
I wonder how his performance on the sidelines affects his fantasy status for next year. Michael Turner, anyone?
You obviously wish you were a Packers fan, the jealousy is dripping…..
@Coastalbuck
One should never mention "drippings" around a Packer fan.
They also showed UFC live at 3:00. Sounds like you caught them both at 10:00.
And for you drinkers, I'm not sure where I heard it but a shot of scotch is a black & tan is fan-freakin-tastic. i recommend it.
@ Enrico: Not funny (by that I mean damn funny.) On a side note, we SEC fans also celebrate William Jennings Bryan Day.
1965. Memphis, Tennessee. I was walking, and as soon as I turned a corner, someone punched me in the face.
I can’t wait to see Tynes fuck up two kicks then make another 47 yarder at the buzzer. Oh, and I hope Favre’s slitting his wrists right now. In fact, I hope the whole of Green Bay is committing suicide for being so stupid.
The NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS are the greatest football team in the history of the National Football League.
There, I said it.
Pst. He-Man.
Shut. the. fuck. Up.
/from a pats fan
@ Matt
You reliably whine about message board conversation devolving into turd-slinging personal attacks, so I hesitate in adding this comment. I usually laugh when you make fun of Green Bay Packer fans, but I think your slam after the NFC Championship was unfunny, mean-spirited and classless. Plus, dude, some of your readers are still hurting this morning. Sure, people in Wisconsin are fat and ugly and put way too much emphasis on unimportant things. Ha. Ha. Cliche? You bet. So is the wise-ass 20something writer, more skilled in sarcasm than anything else, casting stones from the glass Park Slope apartment his parents help him rent. A true original. At least Packer fans love something, no matter how trivial and dumb you think that is. Just remember that the next time you go for a taste at Great Lakes and someone who gives a shit spits in your Hoegaarden.
Wait a second, are we talking about Packers fans, or the large horde of "fans" who own a Favre jersey and know absolutely nothing about the team?
Seriously, ask ANY Packers fan you know to name: both starting cornerbacks or 1 guy on the offensive line. Scrap that, ask them to name 1 defensive player. Actually, scrap that – ask them to rub their tummy and pat their head at the same time. It's like a fucking riddle for them.
Green Bay fans are pretty knowledgeable. After all, the choices boil down to watching ice melt or memorizing the defensive backfield backups.