Will Leitch's reading in Tempe, several of us dorky idiots with blogs went next door to get a couple beers.  I snapped a few candids with my brand new Elph — purchased last weekend because I can't find my previous digital camera — and someone was like, "Hey, nice camera."  And so I'm all, "Thanks, I just got it.  But smart guy that I am, I didn't attach the lanyard, so I'm guessing it'll be two days before it slips out of my hand and it breaks."  Har har har.

Fast forward to today.  Me to myself: "And now to upload all the photos onto my computer…  Hey, where's my camera?"  Where's my camera, indeed.  Fuck if I know.  Guess I should have attached that lanyard.  And maybe I'd remember where I left it if I hadn't had those five or six Maker's Marks when I got back to the hotel.  I suck at life.

So yeah, little Matty's a little too depressed and pissed off to write up a full report of the last 24 hours.  But I will say this: the people of Arizona are exceedingly nice.  I had a business lunch in Gilbert today — that's a suburb southeast of Phoenix — and as I arrived at the house, a guy walking down the street gave me a friendly wave.  There are 8 million people in New York, and no two of them have waved at each other so far this year.  But drive into a subdivision in Arizona, and people are like, "Hey look!  A person has entered my neighborhood!  Hello!"

But it wasn't just one guy.  Yesterday in a coffee shop, I got up to leave, and the two old women sitting next to me said, "Have a nice day!"  Then I walked outside, and I saw a piece of notebook paper under my windshield wiper.  I had parked next to this big-ass truck that had taken up its entire parking spot, so my parking job had spilled over into an extra space — I don't want to return a rental car with dents in the door, you know?  So after the truck left, I probably looked like an asshole who had parked carelessly.  And here was this piece of paper, scribbled by someone who wanted to let me know what an asshole I was.  I pulled the leaf of paper off the windshield and unfolded it.

Please be courteous and park inside the lines!

Best thing that's happened to me so far this trip.  Not that that's saying much.

If there's one thing you can say about Emmitt Smith, is that his delivery is clean as a tack. I'm sure if the Patriots heed his concise, they'll easily be able to masturbate the ball down the field and unseat the Giants on Hump Day.

I'm fairly certain that if you got Emmitt, Terry Bradshaw and Shannon Sharpe together on a pre-game panel,  they could refute all human knowledge and recorded history and revert civilization to a slathering, unruly mass where the first man to form a coherent sentence shall rule all. Of course, meaning it will be permanent chaos. -Christmas Ape

[Awful Announcing] 

Deadspin provides us with, whoa hold sti- I, Jeeeeeeesus. It's been up there for two fucking hours!

WhaIuhhh, [flails arms wildly] Has anyone worked on blogs before around here?

Jeeeesus.  Ca-can I just link to this? Does it really take that much effort? That's so goddamn rude!

-Christmas Ape 

MediaTakeOut is floating some spurious rumor that the girlfriend of one of the Giants players purchased a ticket for the woman who put up the restraining order against Randy Moss for pushing off repeatedly on her face with his fists, meaning he wouldn't be able to play. Except that's not how restraining orders work.

I am [NY Giants player's] girlfriend and I had to tell you about a rumor going around with the players. [Giants player] told me that a big Giants fan bought Superbowl tickets for that woman that Randy Moss beat up and he's paying for all her expenses.

They're saying that if the woman in sitting at the game, Randy Moss won't be able to play because of the restraining order. Slick right. But good for them. The Patriots are a bunch of cheaters so it serves them right.

Also to appear: Debby Belichick, the black child Wes Welker fathered who he doesn't want to talk about and keeps locked in the basement, Bridget Moynahan, the woman Osi Umenyiora shat on, Jean Strahan, Tiki Barber, that girl that shot down Plaxico Burress at the club and Rodney Harrison's sense of decency.

But not Jeremy Shockey, because he's a bitch. -Christmas Ape

The Florida Marlins may not have any players that I've ever heard of, any chance of winning any games this year or anyone to watch them do it, but the elemental force of sexiness sides with them, as is evidenced by this video from Homer Run Derby of the 2008 Marlins Mermaids tryouts from over the weekend. Sure, teams like the Royals, Orioles and Pirates can suck, but can they do it sexily? I think not. Advantage: Marlins. -Christmas Ape

This is from the other day, but I couldn't resist. Living in the D.C. area, there's no avoiding the "DAGGER!" yelling, Barney Rubble resembling, machosensuality that is Wizards announcer Steve Buckhantz. If J. J. Abrams had a lick of sense, he'd have found a place for him somewhere in Cloverfield to scream hysterically about the monster. Or just scream about the beer selection at the party scene before the monster shows up. God, I hated that fucking movie. -Christmas Ape