entire goddam thing in all its 400-page glory. Yeesh. I'm gonna need some low-paid beat reporter to sum all this up for me. Most of the names below are complete bunk. But not Roger Clemens. He's the Barry Bonds of pitchers.
OMG OMG OMG!!! The Mitchell Report has been leaked! God, I can taste my own bored cynicism! Ladies and gentlemen, your incomplete list of MLB steroid users!
Brady Anderson, Manny Alexander, Rick Ankiel, Jeff Bagwell, Barry Bonds, Aaron Boone, Rafael Betancourt, Bret Boone, Milton Bradley, David Bell, Dante Bichette, Albert Belle, Paul Byrd, Wil Cordero, Ken Caminiti, Mike Cameron, Ramon Castro, Jose Canseco, Ozzie Canseco, Roger Clemens, Paxton Crawford, Wilson Delgado, Lenny Dykstra, Johnny Damon…
…Carl Everett, Kyle Farnsworth, Ryan Franklin, Troy Glaus, Rich Garces, Jason Grimsley, Juan Gonzalez, Eric Gagne, Nomar Garciaparra, Jason Giambi, Jeremy Giambi, Jose Guillen, Jay Gibbons, Juan Gonzalez, Clay Hensley, Jerry Hairston, Felix Heredia, Jr., Darren Holmes, Wally Joyner, Darryl Kile, Matt Lawton, Raul Mondesi, Mark McGwire, Guillermo Mota, Robert Machado, Damian Moss, Abraham Nunez…
…Trot Nixon, Jose Offerman, Andy Pettitte, Mark Prior, Neifi Perez, Rafael Palmiero, Albert Pujols, Brian Roberts, Juan Rincon, John Rocker, Pudge Rodriguez, Sammy Sosa, Scott Schoenweiss, David Segui, Alex Sanchez, Gary Sheffield, Miguel Tejada, Julian Tavarez, Fernando Tatis, Maurice Vaughn, Jason Varitek, Ismael Valdez, Matt Williams, Kerry Wood.
Pretty much the least surprising list ever. I've been more caught off guard by my own farts.
UPDATE: WNBC changed their story when an MLB official disputed part of it. Whatever, man. I've already got my torch lit and pitchfork sharpened. I'm not gonna disperse the mob now.
![[avatar]](http://p.uproxxcdn.com/photo/226/thumb)
![[image]](http://cdn.wl.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/06/Collllllllllege-World-Series-180x180.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.wl.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/06/the-miami-marlins-are-giving-out-fedoras-for-fathers-day-with-leather-180x180.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.wl.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/06/nick-legrande-first-pitch-180x180.png)
![[image]](http://cdn.wl.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/06/hey-everyone-lets-watch-the-dodgers-and-diamondbacks-brawl-set-to-street-fighting-man-with-leather-180x180.jpg)
Albert Pujols….WELCOME TO HELL!
Thank you Roger Clemens. The early Christmas gift of you being named is all I ever wanted!
John Rocker? You don't say.
The appearance of Mr. Pettitte's name pleases me.
Is Paxton Crawford an ump?
I think I would've liked Mo Vaughn much more if he'd actually gone by "Maurice". Just sounds a lot more smoove.
NO FACKIN' WAY 'TEK IS A JUICAH!!!!!!!
The inclusion of Wally Joyner has pretty much eradicated any happy memories from my childhood.
Hasn't Ken Caminiti already suffered enough? Wait…
What a great trade Ed Wade made to get Tejada to Houston for his 5 top prospects! If he's on the juice, then he must be good..right?
@BDD – "Gotta find Drew's house – Suicide bombs are fackin heavy"
Milton Bradley plays games, not sports, silly!
Rafael Palmiero NEVER took steroids…he said so right in front of congress, so it's gotta be the truth, right??
Somewhere, Wally Joyner's three fans are weeping quietly.
Where the fuck is the other Troy Glaus?!
Kerry Wood and Mark Prior….I guess that explains the injuries.
Darryl Kile will be suspended FA-SHO!
absolutely not a single motherfucker i care about. i am AWESOME! as long as ken griffey, barry larkin, chris sabo, and the entire cast of the 1990 world series reds club stay out of this thing i'm all for it.
except paul o'neil. fuck you and everything you love, paul o'neil. get AIDS and die.
If Ken Griffey Jr. isn't on this list, then my plaque with Two identical Griffey rookie cards, one showing the front, one showing the back, both signed, and a larger photo of griffey, also signed, is probably gonna skyrocket in value.
Games over losers, I have all the money! Compare your lives to mine and then kill yourselves!
Gagne needs to go back on the 'roids…
I'm pretty sure every guy I named in the first post is on that list. There were even some out there picks. Mad props Swany, mad props.
Aarone "FUCKIN" Boone!!! Damn! Jason Variteck! There is a God!! Give me more Red Sox players!! I have movement in my pants!!!
Jose Offerman? Roid Rage?? no way…he's to even tempered…
Could be the fever currently addling my brain, but the fart line struck me as pretty funny.
NO FACKIN' WAY 'TEK IS A JUICAH!!!!!!!
Still laughing…
I watched the Sabres game last night in a bar in Rochester, sitting next to two Massholes. Every 10 minutes they complained that MSG had yet to give the Celtics score.
While some of the lesser players' names appearing on this list are comical, the big names are no suprise. For the old guys you almost can pick the exact year that they started juicing. For the younger guys, you can see how a lot of them fit the profile. They were not great prospects; struggled in the minors or when they got to the majors. Then all of a sudden, they started hitting or pitching like never before. I'm suprised Piazza is not on the list.
Wheres LL Cool J?
At no time should anyone ever give "mad props" to himself.
Awe! That's bullshit!
Anyways. It smells so good in here right now, I can't force myself to leave, that intoxicating aroma of Justice.
No Cal Ripken?!? Coverup.
I don't think "mad props" should be given to anyone, actually. Unless it's to Kriss-Kross for that sick new album they just came out with. "Jump" indeed.
Rich Garces?!? You gotta be kidding me…I think Mitchell confused "steroids" with "giant vats of chocolate covered Cheetos".
Now I have one more thing to add to my 'unfortunately discovered basic facts of life' list.
Really glad Peter North didn't make the list. Whew!
Anyone here follow the WWE? I personally dont, but a co-worker just mentioned to me that his kids watch it and he has noticed a dramatic change in the build of a lot of those guys in the past 5 months or so since Benoit went AWOL. Can anyone confirm that "pro wrestling" looks to be at least attempting to clean up also? I know it doesn't matter, just answer the question please. No, I dont want you to heat up my coffee. Huh? Uff does anal? Nevermind that. Is this going to do JACK or SHIT in the big picture? What happens to these players?
Other than John Rocker, are there any other Braves listed that I'm forgetting? If not, this list just validated their amazing NL East run.
I'd like to give big ups to George Mitchell for proving that even retirement can't keep a good congressman from distracting us from various global conflicts and domestic strife.
Also: Dante Bichette? Not one of the Blake Street Bombers!
RICH GARCES!!! El Guapo must have been given steroids during his daily 2nd breakfast consisting of chicken fried bacon covered in lard.
The wrestlers started getting smaller about a year ago, long before the Benoit incident.
Sammy Sosa? SAY IT ISN'T SO!
@bloof
WTF do you mean there is no Santa Claus?
@Swany
WWE is saying they are cleaning up their act, but I'm nowhere near convinced. Batista is the World Heavyweight champion and he's been fingered in these probes more times than a drunk sorority girl at the Kappa Sig house. Orton is the WWE champion and he's already failed the wellness policy twice. The kicker about Orton's second failure is since he came to them before hand, they didn't suspend him or some nonsense.
The WWE is offering treatment for all their past superstars and quite a few are taking them up on it, so that is at least decent of them. They did fire one guy that failed their policy twice and was named in another probe. (Chris Masters)
haha, dykstra, i am pretty sure roids were in his chew.
Not Brady Anderson! He has legit 50 HR power, as well as dreamy sideburns!
/fellow Anteater alum in deinal
ha, figures no
notablePirates on the list. Perhaps that explains the 16 straight years of losing. Need to start juicing up Pittsburgh…. pirogies and sandwiches with french fries on them will only get you so far.The Pittsburg players on steroids aren't Pirates. They're Steelers, and one is a Dolphin now.
Guillermo Mota, no wonder he was able to play in 5 different decades.
Supposedly Chuck Knoblauch and Mike Stanton are on the list as well.
Knowing that there is/was back acne & shrunken testicles is really going to put a damper on the sex fantasies I have about Jeff Bagwell. That's unfortunate.
Someone wanna go ahead and figure how many of these guys were playing in the NL East?
Knoblauch??? that explains his overthrows to 1st….too much power!!
@lcpl Then whither Steve Sax?
Add David Justice as well.
Maybe we should wait until the real list is released. Just sayin…
Way to piss on everyone's Cheerios, Taco_JOnes…fucking Debbie Downer…
I was waiting for Lee Smith, I figured that slow walk had to be enhanced
No White Sox on the list? No wonder we suck. MANDATORY ROIDS NEXT YEAR OZZIE!
They should put everyone on HGH, just put things on an even keel.
@Tim
The 60 game suspension at the start of this year didn't tip you off that Mota would be included on the list?
ya know… with all the steroids in baseball you'd think that there would be a lot lot more fighting involved. put some of these guys in hockey and let them beat the shit out of each other… but then again, Puerto Ricans and blacks don't really play hockey do they?
Maybe MLB could send all these guys on an island somewhere and have a "Survivor" type contest. The top 5 get to play baseball again. The losers die.
Scott Showenwisse was a WHitesox for a while, but the redsox obviously have many many more douchebags on their team.
Get it right, there are 5 former Pittsburgh Pirates on this list!
Abraham Nunez
Barry Bonds
Matt Lawton
Raul Mondesi
Jose Guillen
16 losing seasons here we come!
I want all CarrotTop's stats erased right fucking now.
@crapgame
oh yes, it was enhanced. enzyte does wonderful things if you also do massive amounts of LSD
Wood, Prior, Sosa……Man, that 2003 Cubs team just keeps giving and giving.
/White Sox fan
Surely the Texas Rangers are the most represented team on this list:
Ken Caminiti, Jose Canseco, Carl Everett, Eric Gagne, Juan Gonzalez, Jerry Hairston, Rafael Palmiero, John Rocker, Pudge Rodriguez, Sammy Sosa, David Segui, Fernando Tatis.
But hey, that 1-9 franchise postseason record was worth all the liver failure, brain cancer and small nards.
@Easy Pretzel
You can't count Jose Guillen. He's been on every team.
Taco, I was making a Manny Mota joke because who the fuck cares about Guillermo Mota.
Robert Machado? what the fuck does the karate kid have to do with all this? although i'm not surprised he was juicing.
pujols is not mentioned in the report at all… check your shit
Pujols is mentioned in the earlier WL post, which Matt has already said is disputed and not correct. Read the update, not the grey part in the middle.
And check YOUR shit.
Wait? Barry Bonds?
The presence of Neifi Perez's name is mind-boggling. Mainly because it boggles the mind to think how crappy Perez would have been if not for the steroid boost.
SOrry to whomever wanted to legitimize the braves division championship run, kent mercer is mentioned.
also HHY
Jim Parque is on it. dammit all.
Who did Willie McGee have to blow to keep his name off this list?
Someone could totally do a spoof commercial…from roger's cell phone commerical
where he calls his wife and he doesn't hear anything?
Someone could call him and tell him about the list. THAT would be a funny commercial
swany, i saw it. fucking parque.
2000's dream season is ruined now. (well, it was already ruined by the mariners' sweepm but still)
Fucking M's. I had such high aspirations for that little fucker too. The Sox look relatively unscathed by all of this though which is nice to see. The Cubs just look stupid. Ah the pains of my dual loyalties.
A Jim Parque reference!!! That give me a boner.
So does that mean Barry Bonds goes from arrogant asshole who ruined baseball to arrogant asshole who didn't want to snitch on his peers?
It seems that he is very popular among blacks. I met plenty of black friends on bigblackconnect.com which is the most trusted for collage-educated minded blacks. They all love this guy. Why?