12.13.07 THE LIST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (UPDATE)
entire goddam thing in all its 400-page glory. Yeesh. I'm gonna need some low-paid beat reporter to sum all this up for me. Most of the names below are complete bunk. But not Roger Clemens. He's the Barry Bonds of pitchers.
OMG OMG OMG!!! The Mitchell Report has been leaked! God, I can taste my own bored cynicism! Ladies and gentlemen, your incomplete list of MLB steroid users!
Brady Anderson, Manny Alexander, Rick Ankiel, Jeff Bagwell, Barry Bonds, Aaron Boone, Rafael Betancourt, Bret Boone, Milton Bradley, David Bell, Dante Bichette, Albert Belle, Paul Byrd, Wil Cordero, Ken Caminiti, Mike Cameron, Ramon Castro, Jose Canseco, Ozzie Canseco, Roger Clemens, Paxton Crawford, Wilson Delgado, Lenny Dykstra, Johnny Damon…
…Carl Everett, Kyle Farnsworth, Ryan Franklin, Troy Glaus, Rich Garces, Jason Grimsley, Juan Gonzalez, Eric Gagne, Nomar Garciaparra, Jason Giambi, Jeremy Giambi, Jose Guillen, Jay Gibbons, Juan Gonzalez, Clay Hensley, Jerry Hairston, Felix Heredia, Jr., Darren Holmes, Wally Joyner, Darryl Kile, Matt Lawton, Raul Mondesi, Mark McGwire, Guillermo Mota, Robert Machado, Damian Moss, Abraham Nunez…
…Trot Nixon, Jose Offerman, Andy Pettitte, Mark Prior, Neifi Perez, Rafael Palmiero, Albert Pujols, Brian Roberts, Juan Rincon, John Rocker, Pudge Rodriguez, Sammy Sosa, Scott Schoenweiss, David Segui, Alex Sanchez, Gary Sheffield, Miguel Tejada, Julian Tavarez, Fernando Tatis, Maurice Vaughn, Jason Varitek, Ismael Valdez, Matt Williams, Kerry Wood.
Pretty much the least surprising list ever. I've been more caught off guard by my own farts.
UPDATE: WNBC changed their story when an MLB official disputed part of it. Whatever, man. I've already got my torch lit and pitchfork sharpened. I'm not gonna disperse the mob now.
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There are 81 comments about:
THE LIST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (UPDATE)
Albert Pujols….WELCOME TO HELL!
Thank you Roger Clemens. The early Christmas gift of you being named is all I ever wanted!
John Rocker? You don't say.
The appearance of Mr. Pettitte's name pleases me.
Is Paxton Crawford an ump?
I think I would've liked Mo Vaughn much more if he'd actually gone by "Maurice". Just sounds a lot more smoove.
NO FACKIN' WAY 'TEK IS A JUICAH!!!!!!!
The inclusion of Wally Joyner has pretty much eradicated any happy memories from my childhood.
Hasn't Ken Caminiti already suffered enough? Wait…
What a great trade Ed Wade made to get Tejada to Houston for his 5 top prospects! If he's on the juice, then he must be good..right?
@BDD – "Gotta find Drew's house – Suicide bombs are fackin heavy"
Milton Bradley plays games, not sports, silly!
Rafael Palmiero NEVER took steroids…he said so right in front of congress, so it's gotta be the truth, right??
Somewhere, Wally Joyner's three fans are weeping quietly.
Where the fuck is the other Troy Glaus?!
Kerry Wood and Mark Prior….I guess that explains the injuries.
Darryl Kile will be suspended FA-SHO!
absolutely not a single motherfucker i care about. i am AWESOME! as long as ken griffey, barry larkin, chris sabo, and the entire cast of the 1990 world series reds club stay out of this thing i'm all for it.
except paul o'neil. fuck you and everything you love, paul o'neil. get AIDS and die.
If Ken Griffey Jr. isn't on this list, then my plaque with Two identical Griffey rookie cards, one showing the front, one showing the back, both signed, and a larger photo of griffey, also signed, is probably gonna skyrocket in value.
Games over losers, I have all the money! Compare your lives to mine and then kill yourselves!
Gagne needs to go back on the 'roids…
I'm pretty sure every guy I named in the first post is on that list. There were even some out there picks. Mad props Swany, mad props.
Aarone "FUCKIN" Boone!!! Damn! Jason Variteck! There is a God!! Give me more Red Sox players!! I have movement in my pants!!!
Jose Offerman? Roid Rage?? no way…he's to even tempered…
Could be the fever currently addling my brain, but the fart line struck me as pretty funny.
NO FACKIN' WAY 'TEK IS A JUICAH!!!!!!!
Still laughing…
I watched the Sabres game last night in a bar in Rochester, sitting next to two Massholes. Every 10 minutes they complained that MSG had yet to give the Celtics score.
While some of the lesser players' names appearing on this list are comical, the big names are no suprise. For the old guys you almost can pick the exact year that they started juicing. For the younger guys, you can see how a lot of them fit the profile. They were not great prospects; struggled in the minors or when they got to the majors. Then all of a sudden, they started hitting or pitching like never before. I'm suprised Piazza is not on the list.
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