Malaysian officials are investigating a soccer referee who allegedly retrieved a gun from his car and fired warning shots into the air after an ejection incited mobbing from the offending player's teammates.

The referee, who was also a policeman, ran to his patrol car to get his gun after players mobbed him for showing the red-card to one of them, the New Straits Times said.

"We are investigating as to whether the policeman was justified in taking out his firearm and discharging it, and also why he had it with him during the match," it quoted Hussin Ismail, police chief in the southern Johor state, as saying.

Really?  This is worth investigating in Malaysia?  Shouldn't the more pressing issue be, "Why aren't we arming more of our referees?"  Especially in third-world countries.  Malaysian police already have enough problems, like figuring out which starving children in the streets can fetch the best prices in the black market sex trade.

I've been posting these Carl videos ever since he started doing a weekly pissed-off rant about sports, and this is by far my favorite one yet.  Perhaps it's because Carl has softened his tone for the holidays, perhaps it's because his college bowl picks seem so insightful… but probably it's because the video includes this sentence: "I then pelted her with ice and loose change."  That goes a long way in my book.

[adult swim] 

A judge in Louisiana has postponed a trial because it conflicts with the BCS National Championship Game between LSU and Ohio State. Well, the trial doesn't conflict with the championship itself, but it gets in the way of the defense attorney getting shitfaced before the game.

Stephen Babcock, an attorney defending Imperial Casualty Insurance Co. in a lawsuit over a car crash, requested the delay because he has tickets to the Jan. 7 game at the Superdome in New Orleans. He and other LSU fans have rented out the second floor of a Bourbon Street bar for a pre-game tailgate party.

In his written request for a new trial date, Babcock refers to Ohio State as "Slowhio" ("due to their perceived lack of speed on both sides of the ball") and notes that Allstate sponsors of the Sugar Bowl, are not a party in the insurance case.

I have some friends who took the bar exam in California and New York, and apparently it's a crazy-hard two-day, 16-hour test in those states because so many smart people want to be lawyers there.  I imagine it's a little less difficult to pass the bar in Louisiana.  Like, the test is administered during halftime of an LSU game, and it includes the question Do you want to be a lawyer? YES/NO.  And the hardest part is tuning out the guy in overalls chasing live chickens around the room.

I've said my share of bad things about Tony Parker, like how he's a whiny bitch, and how he's a cowardly Frenchman, and how he probably shaves at night just so he can sport his stupid stubble, and how he's a moron for marrying Eva Longoria past her prime, or how she's probably a beard for his gay lifestyle, et cetera.  But I'd be remiss if I didn't clear his "good" name by pointing out that the recent claims of his infidelity by Alexandra Paressant are completely made up, and that she's just about the craziest bitch you can possibly imagine. 

This story from the HuffPo via WWTDD tells you everything you need to know about how awesome it is to be Tony Parker and not have illicit sex with imaginary supermodels.  There's simply too much to quote it all, but it goes like this:

1. None of the sexy pictures on Paressant's MySpace page are of her.  Most are of German model Hana Nitsche.
2. She was previously sued by Brazilian soccer star Ronaldhino, because she is insane and fabricated their entire "relationship."
3. After finding more holes in her story than in Paris Hilton's rectal lining, reporter Dana Kennedy confronted Paressant, and was met with super-crazy denials and more lies.

In conclusion, the imaginary sex Tony Parker had with some made-up broad is probably the closest he's ever come to touching a vagina.

Have you been taking the time to watch all the lesser bowls being played over the holiday break?  If so, I'm sorry.  If not, I went to the trouble of looking up what happened, so you can talk to the Florida Atlantic and East Carolina grads at your job about what happened during the games.  Although why you're talking to the custodial staff I have no idea.

• Poinsettia Bowl: Utah 35 (9-4) , Navy 32 (8-5)  — I can't believe Kevin and I somehow wasted not one but two posts on this game.  Apparently it was close and exciting until the end, but whatever.
• New Orleans Bowl: Florida Atlantic 44 (8-5) , Memphis 27 (7-6) — There are a lot of ways to have an amazing time in New Orleans, but watching a meaningless football game between Florida Atlantic and Memphis isn't one of them.
• Papajohns.com Bowl: No. 22 Cincinnati 31 (10-3) , Southern Miss 21 (7-6) — Oooh, a ranked team!  What an honor!  Mmm-mm!  Suddenly the Papajohns.com Bowl tastes like prestige.  Goes great with congealing garlic butter and pepperoncini.
• New Mexico Bowl: New Mexico 23 (9-4) , Nevada 0 (6-7) — So New Mexico invites a .500 team to play them at home and they call it a bowl game?  This game couldn't even get a corporate sponsor.  What a crock.  New Mexico couldn't get laid in a whorehouse's cemetery.
• Las Vegas Bowl: No. 17 Brigham Young 17 (11-2) , UCLA 16 (6-7) — Imagine two retarded seventh graders trying to remove a woman's bra, and you'll get a good picture of how this game was coached.
  
• Hawaii Bowl: East Carolina 41 (8-5) , No. 24 Boise State 38 (10-3) — Whatever.
• Motor City Bowl: Purdue 51 (8-5) , Central Michigan 48 (8-6) — Matt Millen watched from the owner's box, scouting for wide receivers.

Welcome back to Con Cuero, amigos.  Hope you all had a feliz Navidad.  I'm back from three days of Christmas fun with a Colombian hooker, and as you can tell I picked up a little bit of the español before I dropped her off…  Back at her home, a bridge — does it really matter where I dropped her?  Let's just hope that the español was the only thing I picked up from her, am I right?

Anyway, what with all the sweaty Spanish lessons and the gift of love over the last couple of days, I don't think I've watched a minute of sports since the Seahawks nearly shut out the Ravens on Sunday, and I've been online even less.  You wouldn't believe all the emails and blog posts on my RSS feed I had to delete this morning just to get caught up. 

As a result, over the next two half-days I'm working until the weekend, I'll just be working on the stories that I feel need to get mentioned, and not from my usual monster RSS feed.  So if you're a blogger who worked over the holidays and you don't get a precious fucking "hat tip," shove it up your ass, because I didn't see it.  That's what you get for working on the holiday, Scrooge. 

Stay tuned.  New posts on the way.