Ahhh, Florida.  America's Wang.  It's been too long since you graced us at With Leather with your presence.  That's why I want to thank "Kevin Shelton" for this hilariously botched robbery:

A man walked in at about 2 p.m. and slipped the teller a note that said, "$30,000 are else. Have a nice day." The money was booby-trapped… and when it exploded the robber dropped a pile of red-stained $5 and $10 bills. [...]

You know you're dealing with elite criminal minds when they don't even bother with differentiating between verbs and conjunctions. Their only language?  Ruthless violence.  After the dye mishap, our villain sought shelter in a nearby salon:

[Shelton] told the stylist he wanted a manicure and a new mane of hair like Johnny Depp's in the movie "Blow." "I told him we couldn't do the extensions," said the stylist, Erin Winick, 32. "I said it was impossible. It takes too long." [...}

"He was telling me that he was a football player for the Arizona Cardinals and he's here painting boats," Winick said. "I thought, isn't it football season now? Some people just make up stuff, so I don't judge."

Wow.  Suddenly "$30,000 are else" isn't the dumbest thing about this guy.  That couldn't have been easy to trump.  You really have to work to be that dumb.  Or spend five minutes on the set of NFL Countdown.

[Deadspin]