Good afternoon, sexy bitches.  The year's final Monday Morning Suck-Off is coming to you at a special p.m. time, and today I'm taking a look people who are getting fired for sucking all year long.

First up: Marv Levy.  Technically, he's resigning, not getting fired.  And good thing, too.  The man is 82 years old.  Eighty-fuckin-two.  I wouldn't trust an octogenarian to wash my clothes without dying, I don't know why you'd give one a football team.

Next up: Dolphins GM Randy Mueller.  This is just the first of the Parcells executions, of course.  The 'Phins staff is gonna look like the Romanovs when V.I. Parcellskiy gets done with 'em.  That's a joke for the smart kids.  You can Google it if you don't get it, but it won't necessarily make the joke funny.

And yes, as headlines everywhere are blaring, Brian Billick has been fired from his position as All-Time Best Offensive Genius with the Baltimore Ravens.  And what can you really say?  He had a gigantic ego and he sucked at his job.  Shit, if that's enough to get you fired, I may have to clean up my act.

Hugh Hefner matriculated through the University of Illinois, and he's very excited about the Fighting Illini's appearance in this season's Rose Bowl:

"Illinois has already knocked off the No. 1 team in the country, Ohio State," the founder, editor and emperor of Playboy kindly reminds me. "They're miracle workers . . . I was an undergrad in 1946,'' recalls Hefner, now a spry 81, " which was at the very beginning of when the two conferences forged an arrangement to play against each other in the big game every year. "We came out to play UCLA in that 1947 game, and nobody expected us to win. Nobody."

That's right, a guy that went to college in the 1940s pulls scores of hotter tail than you. Anyway, when Illinois was in Pasadena in for the 1984 Tournament of Roses, they visited the famed Playboy mansion, but not this time:

"No, no Playboy Mansion necessary for us," senior offensive lineman Martin O'Donnell explains to me. "We have our hands full as it is." Ron Zook's team did go to the Improv comedy club, did the Disneyland bit and fed its face at the traditional feast Lawry's sponsors known as the Beef Bowl.

Not necessary? What could have been filling their hands? Oh, wait . . . I get it. Different strokes and all that, and right now I believe conducting a thorough interweb search of my favorite Playmates is absolutely necessary. -KD 

"Can I get a little help here?"

My older sister had Volume II of the Greatest Hits of Olivia Newton-John on LP (that's 4 music platforms ago for the younger readers) which had a 3-panel foldout on the cover of lovely Olivia and provided me with my first sexual experience. Sure vinyl had hisses and pops, but the album covers were much easier to see. Have you ever tried to masturbate to those small pictures on an iPod screen? It's almost impossible. Almost. -KD 

An escalator malfunctioned last night at Giants Stadium injuring 7 people. Or was it an elevator?

The escalator at Gate A apparently failed at the bottom steps, state police Lt. Jim Crann said. The escalator runs from the stadium's upper tier to the ground level, and Crann said it appeared that some bottom steps became bent, causing some fans to sustain foot and leg injuries . . .  "The elevator apparently started running fast" [executive vice president of facilities for the New Jersey Sports & Exposition Authority, James] Minish said, adding that all of the stadium's escalators were turned off after the incident and would not be in use during Sunday's game there between the New York Jets and the Kansas City Chiefs. Minish said the incident would be thoroughly investigated and that the escalators "would not be used for a while."

Before you accuse Mr. Minish of being a nepotistic hire who doesn't know the difference between an escalator and an elevator, as executive VP of facilities for the New Jersey Sports & Exposition Authority, he may refer to 'escalators' as 'elevators' because revolving stairways and endless conveyors were called elevators in the 19th century. When I was Executive Assistant to the Sanitation Engineer in charge of Ceramic Fixture Viability at the steel mill, I would call a mop, a toilet brush, and a plunger all a "shit stick" even though there are subtle differences. -KD  

Right after Mike Vrabel recovered the Giants' attempted on-side kick with just over 1 minute left in last night's game between the undefeated Patriots and the G-Men, I knew New England was going to win the much anticipated match. Yes, as my bookie will tell you, that's just how good of a prognosticator I am. Anyway, the New York Football Giants were excited with their performance in the loss:

"We didn't win the game, but if you saw everybody in the locker room, everybody was excited," [Eli] Manning said. "I never saw a locker room so upbeat after a loss because we played so well, did some good things and hung in there in a game where we didn't have to play. We wanted to. We wanted to come out and play well, and we did that." "There is nothing but positives," Giants coach Tom Coughlin said. "I told the players in playing this game everything would be positives, there would be no negatives and that is how I feel."

Congratulations all around fellas. I wish I would have known this theory of positivism when I was screaming at the TV as Eli and the offense lolly-gagged through their 2-minute drill, or as Pats' RB Kevin Faulk ran past the sticks on crucial 3rd downs in the 4th quarter. How come throwing short and running for the 1st down only works for good teams? -KD 

Did you receive a new basketball hoop for Hanukkah, Christmas, Tet, Kwanzaa, Ramadan or Saturnalia? Well, here's an efficient way to remove your old pole: 

By the way, skinning a cat is not as simple or fun as it sounds. Unless, the feline in question is already shaved, then "skinning" can be very enjoyable and quite easy if alcohol is involved. -KD