MONDAY SUCK-OFF: ICE-COLD COLTS
11.12.07
Well, sexy people, it's another Monday morning, and it was another Sunday chock full o' sucktastic badness in the NFL. Let's get straight to the contenders, because it's Veteran's Day — a holiday dedicated to ME — and I'm not gonna waste time with frilly verbiage when I should be taking the day off.
The Browns' Derek Anderson deserves a mention for his second-half shitfest that helped the Steelers get back into the game; Joe Gibbs's play-calling hasn't changed since the 1980s; and the Green Bay Packers are officially evil for hurting our Purple Savior. C'mon, Green Bay, wasn't pitching the shutout enough? Oh, and remember when Brian Billick was an offensive genius? His team almost got shut out by the team that gave up 51 to the Browns.
But the big winners of the Suck-Off are Peyton Manning and Adam Vinatieri, who combined forces to out-suck Norv Turner, the gold standard of sucking. Manning threw a franchise-record six interceptions in the Colts' 23-21 loss. Of course, Marvin Harrison and Dallas Clark were out with injuries, but I didn't realize their substitutes were wearing Chargers jerseys. Vinatieri missed two field goals, including a chip-shot would-be game-winner with less than two minutes to play, cementing his status as past his prime and overpaid. The best part about this Colts' loss (other than the schadenfreude)? KSK's Unsilent Majority will be giving up masturbation for a month because of it. It's gonna be just like that shitty Josh Hartnett movie, what's it called? 30 Days of Night. Yeah, it'll be like that, except instead of vampires he'll have to fight his urge to jerk it.
SITE NEWS: Yes, I'm going to go enjoy a day off. If you had a holiday dedicated to you, you'd take it off, too. Unfortunately, until Sloth and Incompetence Day becomes a federal holiday, you'll just have to deal with it. Anyway, don't worry, I've got a couple more videos and posts that will go up through the day so you don't get too lonely.
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I don't know if I want to live in a world where Maj isn't jagging off.
Hey. Look. We're not afraid to kick it to Devin Hester. (Ignore the inability of the offense to score a TD.) And, that Seabass, he sure can kick it far. (Ignore RBs who like to fumble.) And…wait…isn't that the Sex Cannon?!?
Fortunately, I had the foresight to start Vinatieri over by backup Shayne Graham, thus cementing my spot at the bottom of my fantasy league. $100 bucks, down the drain.
Next August is a loooonnng way away.
Is that…Marvin Gaye? Oh my, God. That's Rex Grossman's music!
Yea Smello… that was a barn burner. Nothing like being beaten by Sexy Rexy. I thought we were golden when he fumbled the first snap.
Season's tanked. Start JaMarcus. Get him some playing time before next year. Pleeze.
Josh was in another terrible movie that had a similar premise called 40 Days and 40 Nights. Shannon Sossamon can tounge my balls anytime.
Way to connect the dots, Careless.
289: The only man who can make the Pieta look ugly.
I personally amazed by the Sex Cannon. Not by his performance – by the fact that they found him in time to go in for Griese.
Seriously, since he's been benched, I've never seen a shot of him standing on the sidelines. I always figured he took the field with the rest of the team, then would sneak away and find an unoccupied administrative office. Then spend the next 3+ hours surfing for Web porn, that filthy degenerate.
Do you hear that? Listen carefully. . .that's the sound of the Colts sucking. ha ha ha ha GO PATS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Josh Hartnett was also in "Lucky number Slevin." FYI.
@Earl
The FCC had mandated that, unless playing, the "Cannon" could not be shown during the daytime, as his presence is not "family friendly".
@WWSM – Charlie Chaplin once entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest in Monte Carlo and came in third…that's a story.
The Sex Cannon and Swanychitown are back fulltime. I know we are all extatic.
Glad someone else thought that 30 days of night sucked balls also.
Ahhh, to think that merely a week ago, some of the less informed in the football world actually had the gall to argue that the Colts were better than the Pats. You know who woulda made that 29-yard FG? Stephen Gostkowski, that's who!
PS the Celtics are now 5-0 and apparently we have some sort of professional soccer team up here that's in a championship game against a team from Houston. Holy shit they're called the Houston Dynamo wow is that gay. Anyways, you can't stop Boston. Greatest sports city on earth, blah, blah, blah.
If Brad Childress isn't fired today, I'm definitely not watching a Vikings game until at least next Sunday. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, Vikings organization!
Seriously, fuck that fucker.
Smello, Punch….I retract my statement last week that your boys would beat mine. I didn't know it was going to get so sexy in Oakland.
I told you about how heartless Cedric Benson was tho. He's gotta be the worst starting RB in football. Week before, Ron Dayne lights the Raiders up. Next week, 2.7 ypg for Ceddy Ben.
HAPPY VETERAN'S DAY FROM JESSICA SIMPSON AND STEVE GUTENBERG: [filmdrunk.com]
It's takes an atheist to do god's work.
Actually, I don't remember when Brian Billick was an offensive genius. Pompous ass, yes? Genius, no.
Can I win the suck-off award for actually sitting through the whole Raiders/Bears game?
You're gonna have to fight me for it Erstad, you aren't the only one who endured that.
Wait – I visit here when I work, so I shouldn't come here because it's my holiday? :::shrugs::: Ok, see ya!
Nobody noticed becuase it was the Lions, but they had -18 yards rushing as a team. Which is the lowest rushing total in 60 years or something like that.