Broncos kicker Jason Elam and his pastor have teamed up to write Monday Night Jihad. No, it's not a TV show — although I'd watch it as long as Kornheiser wasn't providing commentary — it's a novel. Specifically, a pro-football-themed spy thriller about fighting terrorists. It's sure to be…
…A story that combines all the action of a first-rate spy thriller with the intrigue of professional sports. After a tour of duty in Afghanistan, Riley Covington is living his dream as a professional linebacker when he comes face-to-face with a radical terrorist group on his own home turf. Drawn into the nightmare around him, Riley returns to his former life as a member of a special ops team that crosses oceans in an attempt to stop the source of the escalating attacks.
But time is running out, and it soon becomes apparent that the terrorists are on the verge of achieving their goal: to strike at the very heart of America.
Oh yes, this is all very real. There's plenty more of the crazy here (including a book excerpt), but I don't think I can top Arrowhead Pride's pitch-perfect take on Elam:
He's like Dan Brown and Kirk Cameron had a love child and it was raised by Howie Long with nothing but choose your own adventure books. In a sense he's equating the NFL to the Knights Templar.
Meanwhile, a true story about combat NOT co-written by a pastor is presently sitting on my hard drive, and it's been rejected by ten publishers. That's not a joke, but it certainly is funny. I guess mine needed more linebackers.
[Also see: I Dislike Your Favorite Team; 100% Injury Rate]
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Best movie/book about football players fighting terrorists: Red Dawn. Wolverines !
The only reading I need to do about the middle east, except for the e-mails from my old unit, is skippy's list… found at skippyslist.com…. funny funny stuff.
This will be the second best Jason Elam related book of 2008.
Go ahead and give me another reason to hate the Broncos.
You know what… I wasn't going to take KC at -4, but now I realize without cutler, and since elam has clearly gone ape-nuts insane, I will indeed put my money into that trap.
It's written in Choose Your Own Adventure style…
UH-OH! A God-hating terrorist is about to kill a Christian or make him gay! What will Riley Covington do?
If Riley uses the power of Christ's love to butcher the terrorist with a cleaver, turn to page 19.
If Riley wins over the terrorist by kicking a 64 yard goal in high altitude, turn to page 23.
If Riley wears a rainbow shirt in solidarity with the terrorist, go straight to hell.
Is that true story's protagonist an ego-maniacal pretty-boy from the Northwest? Because that might be your first problem. Second problem: taking ten no's for an answer. According to the many women I've talked to, I didn't know that word was in your vocabulary, Uff.
Also: this year just keeps getting worse and worse.
I guess mine needed more linebackers.
I TOLD you you should have slept with Zach Thomas when you had a chance. But you were all "but we're both tops!" and he was all "grrrrrrr!" and you were all "it'll hurt!"
The chick who writes NASCAR romance novels thinks this book is schlocky crap.
Steve Yohn is the Jewish Steve Young.
Yes….kill me now, please.
From Wikipedia:
In a statement issued by his publisher, Elam said, "The genesis of Monday Night Jihad goes back almost 10 years…My brother kept a journal of all the crazy football stories I'd told him over the years. About a year-and-a-half ago, I began to think what if I was able combine all those quirky stories with a terrorist element to create an action-adventure story."
Matt, based upon this logic, all your rejected book needs is some crazy football stories. I suggest bringing on Chris Henry as co-writer.
By day, he's an NFL place kicker…
"It's up, and it's good!"
But when terrorists kidnap the president's daughter, that's when he gets into the game.
"Looks like this one…" <removes shades> "is going into overtime!"
Directed by Michael Bay.
Ian Gold has been wondering why Jason Elam has been watching him in the shower.
@ Hugh B. – Do You Know WHO HE IS!?!?!?!
Matt's book > the bible
Meanwhile, a true story about combat NOT co-written by a pastor is presently sitting on my hard drive, and it's been rejected by ten publishers.
Well, Matt, you're a smart dude. You know what you have to do…..get a pastor.
I pick my favorite sites based on how many posts get tagged by literature… this one has now reached 2. keep up the good work matt, cuz we don't none like that book lernin around these parts.
Riley finds out that the bomb is in the football. With seconds to spare the kicker Mason Felame kicks the ball/bomb through the uprights for the win and saves the world!
Screw the WGA strike anybody can write this shite.
I'm sorry Jason Elam, but stories about football and terrorism begin and end with Bruce Willis riding a horse on a football field, shooting people. If you can top that, as well as shoe-horning in the comedic stylings of one Damon Wayans, only then will you have my respect.
So is Riley's sidekick 'Joe Everyman'?
Drop kick me Jesus through the field goal of life.
I love Matt, he is my hero, i want to suck his penis
If the characters don't burst into an uplifting & ultimately unifying version of I Will Survive by Chapter 10, I'll be very disappointed.
Arrgh! Matt would love you to suck his dagger. And the fag that created Kissing Suzy Colber-he'd like you to suck it too! Arghh!
The pirate thing is refreshing, if not inspiring.
Hello Matt, your site has gone downhill, its no longer funny and the only guys who like it still are the fags who audition to be matt and suck his dick (i.e. everyone above me saying" matt i love your foreskin")
You post stupid shit, not sports related, and arent anywhere near as funny as the wwtdd guy.
Matt, basically i think youre a cock, and youll just delete my name and pretend like it never happened, so youre a pussy. Why dont you actually say something back, rather than this is my workplace, i like cock, dont mess with me, i like cock.
PUSSY….PUSSY. IM A PUSSY – MATT
Why do I see Bruce Willis involved in this movie, as well as Steven Segal?
I POST STUPID SHIT AND LIKE GAY SITES. tHAT KISSING SUZY KOLBER SITE SUCKS AND UPDATES LIKE ONE POST A DAY. YOU COULD BE CONSIDERED A GOOD SPORTS BLOG IF WE ACTUALLY TALKED ABOUT SPORTS HERE
Arggh!The worst part was when Matt told all of you to vote for Kissing Suzy Kolber. The comments flooded in from you ass kissing pussies about how great the site is. Actually, Matt, the site sucks. Withleather is still cool, but you may have jumped the shark with that bit. Pretty pathetic. Argggh!
Garr guybrush why must ye be soooo mean
I begrudgingly have to agree with Captain Hook. Even I thought that stunt was smarmy Matt.
Rum & Wenches!
It looks like the folks at Deadspin are really pissed about KSK kicking their ass in the weblog awards voting.
Garrrrrr! I'm an african american pirate. I hate Canadians. I've come to fuck you alll up. Talk shit back to me ye bitch and I'll steal your avatar and make it me own.
Deadspin sucks cock too, asshole. Now shut the fuck up before I board your vessel and steal your women. Arggh!
Arggh! Permission to come aboard, Cap'n Morgan.?
It looks like the folks at Deadspin are really pissed about KSK kicking their ass in the weblog awards voting.
Garr we dont even go to either of those pussy sites. they Suck. This used to be the only cool sports website until it started sucking foreskin anal herpes.
http://WWW.BARTSOOLSPORTS.COM – MILLION TIMES BETTER
Permission granted me negro friend. Arggh!
ARR CAPTAIN MORGAN, LETS FEED DES SCALLAWAGS TO DA SHARKS
They all must be on a smoke break, or have nothing important to report over at Givemesomeballs.com
Naw, not deadspin. I assume either filmdrunk or wwtdd. Since the wwtdd people are too busy having cybersex, it must be the same people who brought us lazytown.
<i>WWW.BARTSOOLSPORTS.COM – MILLION TIMES BETTER</i>
Way to spell it wrong, cockgobbler.
OR ITS JUST PEOPLE WHO THINK MATTS A COCK. WHY DO WE HAVE TO BE FROM A SITE,WERE FROM THIS SITE. GO JERK OFF TO WORLD OF WARCRAFT FAGS
Allright, since we're all being piratey and honest, I have a few things I'd like to get off my chest. You fags are a bunch of sycophants. Your comments are rarely funny, or interesting. You act like a bunch of pussies. A bunch of Gammons cock sucking, pussies. Boo-yah!
GOOD CALL http://WWW.BARSTOOLSPORTS.COM
I CANT SPELL WITH ME HOOK
bartools.com
/fixed
Hey co60, why don't you fuck off?
GUYBRUSH, YOURE BEING MEAN TO THE
COCKMATTSUCKERS. YER GIVINUS PIRATES A BAD NAMEYA COOL AVATAR CO6O…..FAG
Merk is a fag
Correcting spelling mistakes is for little fags.
What the fuck is going on here?
Also, CAPS LOCK RULE TO THE EXTREME!!!!!!!!1!
I THINK SOMEONE IS JEALOUS OF BARTOOLS…COOL JOKE….FAG
ARE YOU JEALOUS THAT THEY ACTUALLY POST SPORTS, FUNNY SHIT, AND NAKED CHICKS?
I'd like to be the first to submit my resume for the newly available position of commenter executioner. Pick me, pick me!
It's like if Pirates of the Caribbean were more gay and took place in the comment thread of a blog post about a book written by a place kicker and a pastor. That and no one gave a shit. It's kind of like that.
GARR 85, ITS THE ATTACK OF THE PIRATES
ARRGGHHH! IF YOU DON'T LIKE CAPS LICK THEN WALK THE FUCKING PLANK. YOU LAND LUBBERS ARE A BUNCH OF COCK SUCKING FAGS! ARGGGH! WHERE'S ME RUM? OH THERE IT IS!
And why are these idiots so obsessed with pirates?
YEAH 85, WHAT ARE YE FUCKING BLIND?
Attack of the Butt Pirates
Having the name Capt Hook is for fags….Being a douchebag is for fags…..Having nothing better to do than to jump on a site and be a prick is even being a bigger fag….So why don't you go fuck your dead mother or blow your pedophile father
MERK IS A FAG! SO IS ENRICO PALLAZZO! AND THE REST OF YOU PUSSIES-YOU ARE ALL FAGS! ARRGGHHH!
ALUMNI, GO SUCK A DICK YOU FAG BEFORE I GIVE YOU AIDS
UNDERDOG, I MGOING TO GIVE YOU CANCER OF THE ASS AND TEHN SLICE YOUR THROAT WITH MY HOOK
RICHMUND, SUCK ON SOME FORESKIN. FAGGG FAGGG FAGG FAGG
This is very bizzare. I welcome our new comment executioner overload. Even if everyone are fags.
So I have to assume this is all coming from one guy right? Or is there a room full of angry pirates on a pirate ship that has a Wi-fi connection? I'm going with the former.
DOOGIEINRICHMOND, WE'RE COMIN FOR YE NEXT! I'D WATCH YOUR BACK-PIRATES CAN BE SNEAKY! MY BROTHER CAN CONNECT ME TO YOUR IP ADDRESS, THEN YOUR PHYSICAL ADDRESS- SO FUCK WITH ANY OF US PIRATES AGAIN AND YE'LL BE WALKIN THE PLANK, FAG!
HA CARELESS IS THE ONLY INTELLIGENT ONE HERE
You guys spend a tremendous amount of time ridiculing a site you claim to hate. You're welcome to stop visiting WL anytime…but you won't, 'cause you're still trying to figure out why it's so much more successful than your site. 1. learn how to spell the name of the blog you're shamelessly trying to promote 2. write funny shit that people actually want to read, that way you won't have to come to successful sites like this one to poach readers 3. take a writing class — preferably one that teaches you how to be witty and how to write an insulting sentence without the work fag.
Pirates that were at sea for long periods of time were often known to resort to homosexual acts.
But don't let me ruin your good time.
Blow me
down.Hey, hey, I may be a fag and write without the caps lock on, but I… um, what was the third thing you said?
Sweetness, you are way off-base. I am now going to bartoolsports exclusively, thanks to the pirates. Like that one post that said "fag", but in ALL CAPS?!? LOL! Try and see if Matt can top that.
It's the same fucking person. Has to be. I'm trying to figure out how he located the computer's on-button in a straight jacket
Hey sweetness, who died and made you hall monitor. Arggh!
Whoa, I post something and then when it refreshes, everything is back to normal. Spooky.
IP ban in 5…
LAZYTOWN, BITCHES!!! Seriously, though, Jason Elam is insane.
The Last Boyscout Two: Punter's Revenge?
I missed it!
Completely missed it as well. Sounds like it was a lot of fun.
tim, ues007 – i'll recap.
CAPSLOCK – FAGS – ARGH
essentially, over and over
That must have been an epic struggle for the ages. I'll go back to sleep now.
So, how would it work if somebody called a timeout just before Covington pulls the trigger on the bad guy, but the bad guy is shot and dies anyway? Would he have to be propped up and re-shot?
Red flag.
I missed another insurgency, godammit. Pirates this time, huh? Boarders repelled like the scurvy dogs they were.
Why am I always the last to post?
Maybe I should wake-up before 5pm
When lame people try to start a flame war, nobody wins.
/stating the obvious