
You may remember Tom Porras, the former Arena League quarterback and high school track coach. He's the guy who invited one of his underage athletes into his home to give her an "athletic massage," then fondled her, ejaculated on her, and told her his semen was massage oil. Yeah, him. Great guy. Hard to forget. Well, his court battle is underway, and it looks like things could get ugly:
The [victim's mother] came to court expecting to hear that Tom Porras, the fired teacher and part-time coach, had planned to enter a plea agreement, requiring him in part to register as a sex offender and spend 20 years on probation. He would also pay fines and restitution to the victim of up to $10,000.
Instead, Porras' defense attorneys told [the judge] their client "had changed his mind" and asked to set a Nov. 15 hearing to suppress evidence. The lawyers didn't specify what evidence they wanted thrown out, but it could include his confession to Scottsdale police after arrest.
I'm not a defense attorney, but I'd have to think that yeah, your client confessing to the crime would be a good thing to suppress. Gee, I sure hope that Porras's lawyers can prove his innocence. Wait, did I say "can prove his innocence"? I meant "get eaten by bears." Sorry, I get those two confused all the time.


Tom Porras was the greatest QB ever to play for the Albany Firebirds.
Assuming there is a God, this will happen soon…
"Listen, peckerwood, that's just massage oil on your back. Now just relax while Bubba gives you a nice massage. In your ASS! WOO SNAP!!!"
(Yes, in my imagination, prisoners say WOO SNAP.)
I am soooooo confused; we're AGAINST sex acts with barely-illegal minors now?!?
Wait that is illegal…
There are rumors around Albany that former Arena League star Touchdown Eddie Brown would chase his teammates around the locker room with his *ahem* large member.
Tom Porras missed playing with Brown by a year. This does not excuse him from his crime.
BATMANTHINKS THIS IS REALLY GROSS. BATMAN THINKS THAT HOT FEMALE TEACHERS DOING THIS IS OK THOUGH
@alumni, great call on TD Eddie Brown.
Suppressing evidence always worked for me…My lawyer said one time when they found a ho in the gutter, "That hooker didn't belong to him, it belongs to the pimp on 4th street, not 2nd street where Doogie is at." There, all better.
With a mustache like that, isn't a confession redundant?
lscwxman thinks batman is fucking annoying
BATMAN THINKS YOU SHOULD NOT COPY BATMAN AND FOCUS ON A RELEVANT POST INSTEAD.
BATMAN OUT
Jimmy likes Elaine
Good to see Al Stokke is having no trouble finding work.
I've been trying to convince my girlfriend that my semen can be used as a "message oil" for years, she hates when I try to disperse my "message oil" to other women in the neighborhood.
I only masturbate in the third person, not speak in it.
Hey, Rachel McAdams is single. I wonder if she needs a massage… I better hydrate just in case.
@TEXAS, I've been trying to convince my wife for years that semen is a great remedy for a sore throat, but it only works on female throats.
Defense attorney: Mr. Porras, you've been accused of a very serious crime. What's the toughest part of this whole ordeal for you?
Porras: Mustache.
I only masturbate in the third person, not speak in it.
BATMAN HAS THE RARE ABILITY TO SPEAK, TAKE OUT BAD GUYS, AND TALK TO ROBIN, ALL WHILE MASTURBATING IN THE THIRD PERSON WITH THE HELP OF MY UTILITY BELT
BATMAN OUT
@UU – actually semen doesn't heal a sore throat, but it has been known to prevent head trauma in females I've dated
@HHY – excellent reference, just excellent
@alumni, I'll let my wife know that.
HHY. Thanks for that.
Hmm. Semen as massage oil. That's got to be cheaper than the crude I've been using.
20 years probation??
Is the jail/probation exchange rate as bad as US/Canada now too?? Shit….
I hope he gets the Haitian plunger treatment.
And Schillinger and Adebesi enjoy a threesome with him as the PBJ in their sandwhich.
I must give Matt props for posting the video a while back and reminding me of it.
You don't want to know what he uses in place of cocoa butter
Hey Hardawayhates You- Are you trying to suck Matt's cock. "I must give Matt props…" Sorry bro, but that is really gay.
The guy kinda looks like Higgins with an almost-Magnum mustache.
Same line worked on Marion Jones, didn't it?
"It's just the 'cream' and the 'clear'. You'll be winning meets in no time if you rub this onto your face and breasts."
Safari Joe is getting tired of Isckwman. Safari Joe is getting angry!
I'm glad we got an update on this as this story is probably my favorite since I've been coming here. Fuck you, though, people with mustaches can be trusted/blown.
If Chuck Long got the ban, I'm wondering why Batman is still allowed to queer up this joint.
What I find most appalling is not the cum-massage, but the flagrant rip off of what I like to call my 'crossword puzzle' polo shirt style.
Expect a lawsuit.