How do you end up with a job as the guy on a morning radio show who gets forced to do "zany" things like get his crotch whacked with a golf club?  Do you need a resume as a failed stunt man, or is it enough to be the mildly retarded friend of one of the deejays?  Is there a minimum number of cans of spray paint you have to huff per week?

Anyway, this is "Dare Dieter" of 92.3 in Cleveland, and he offers up his testicles as a tee to a golf pro with a habit of taking large divots.  Hilarity ensues.

[Via GolfHooked] 

A shocking new study has emphatically proven beyond all doubt that one-third of all football players are gay.  The study is Truth with a capital T: iron-clad, airtight, and waterproof.  Just try to find something wrong with the methodology (emphasis added):

In his study of homosexuality among sportsmen in the United States, openly gay sociologist Dr Eric Anderson found that 19 in a sample of 47 had taken part in acts intended to sexually arouse other men, ranging from kissing to mutual masturbation and oral sex.

The 47 men, aged 18-23, were all American football players who previously played at the high school (secondary school) level but had failed to be picked for their university’s team and were now cheerleaders instead.

What a bunch of crap.  That percentage of gay players is way too small!  I conducted a similar study composed of former football players who became interior designers and Broadway stars, with a handful of lumberjacks who worked in steel mills during the off-season.  And it may be hard for you to believe from your sheltered, anti-intellectual little bubble of homophobia, but it's true: football players are doing it with each other ALL THE TIME. 

Emmy Rossum sang the National Anthem at the New Jersey Devils' game the other night, which is pretty important news because she's hot and just turned 21 last month.  Apparently she brought along her evil stepmother and her friend Some Dark-haired Chick, and judging by the photos it looks like having seats right behind the bench is a total–

Whoa.  Hold on a second.  When did hockey start?

As noted yesterday, Cardinals wide receiver Larry Fitzgerald has a paternity suit coming his way, despite his alleged efforts to keep his impregnated cheerleader quiet with bribes and his desire for her to get an abortion.  It's one of those heartwarming stories.

In an in-depth follow-up to the story, I couldn't find a picture of the cheerleader in question, but industrious Internet wizard Brent sent along this photo of the mom-to-be, Angela Nazario, back when she was in playing shape.  At least I have reason to think it's her.  I mean, the file is called "angela_nazario" — how can it NOT be her?  Plus "Nazario" is one of those names that's, like, Italian or some kinda Spanish, and this chick has dark hair and dark eyes, so that checks out, too.  On the other hand, the photo looks like it could easily be from the early '90s, so maybe Fitty's got himself one of those time-cocks I keep hearing about.

Right.  So anyway, this post seemed like a better idea before I started writing it.  Whatever.  Hey, it's a picture of a cheerleader.  What the hell else do you want from me?

Monday Night Football played this twice.  TWICE.  Lab rats injected with 500 Diet Cokes' worth of saccharine watched this and were like, "Dude, that's a little much."  The Hallmark Channel, We, and Oxygen all thought this was a little heavy-handed. 

Nora Ephron, however, can't wait to get the film rights.

[Awful Announcing] 

The Packers beat the Broncos 19-13 in overtime last night when Brett Favre opened the extra period with an 82-yard bomb to Greg Jennings.  This capped off a game that also had a semi-thrilling end of regulation, with Jay Cutler leading a drive that gave the Broncos a couple shots at the end zone before they ran out of timeouts and rushed the field goal unit onto the field to tie the game as time expired (all highlights available at NFL.com link above).

But the real story of Monday Night Football can be told by my email inbox this morning, which was filled with subject lines that invariably included the words "Favre," "fellation," "balls," and variants of "fuck."  Yes, as we all know, Brett Favre has a distinguished history on MNF that is exceeded only by the distinguished verbal blowjobs given to him by the game announcers — they even invited Favre's wife Deanna into the booth to ask her the proper technique for massaging his balls (gently, and in a circular motion).

Don't get me wrong: I have nothing against Favre personally, and he certainly played well last night (300+ yards, 2 TDs, no picks)… but Ron Jaworski and Tony Kornheiser's zeal for praising him was unsettling.  At one point Favre overthrew a wide open receiver in the end zone from 10 yards away.  The commentary?  "Wow, look how hard he threw it!  He's really got a cannon!" 

Shit, man.  The only other place you can ind that kind of sycophantic zeal is a boy band concert filled with pre-teen girls.  And they're not nearly as good at blowjobs.