The Big Lead has the skinny on the feud between ESPN.com writer Bill Simmons and actor/"comedian" Dane Cook. Both are from Boston, both are wildly popular, and neither has any street cred with those cool, edgy motherfuckers who write BLOGS. Apparently Simmons has taken shots at Cook before, and today on an ESPN.com chat, Cook fired back. Part of the transcript (TBL has more):
Robert (Raleigh NC): Some people say you aren’t funny at all. Others say you are genius. Why the varried opinion?
Dane Cook: Everyone has an opinion on what is funny and what sucks. Just ask Bill Simmons, because he knows exactly who is funny, and who is not. After all, he is Bill Simmons.
It's weird to think that I ever liked either one of these guy's work. But that was before I knew Cook stole material and Bill Simmons stole material from himself from five years ago. Now they both suck. It's kind of sad, actually. If they ever worked on a project together it would be called the LOLocaust.
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Even when ripping on someone as douchy as SG, Cook can't be funny. I just hope they both die, like that scene at the end of New Wave Hookers 3 with Tiffany Million and Jon Dough. You know what I'm talking about.
You thought Dane Cook was funny? It's like I never knew you at all.
Also, and this is a serious question, why does everyone from Boston look bloated?
Simmons blows goats for quarters. And if anyone thinks any comedian in the past decade or two is original then I truly feel sorry for you for being retarded.
They are the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked.
It's like I never knew you at all.
Well…
Who is Dane Cook stealing from?
Matt, you may want to keep a low profile for a while…just as a precaution.
C'mon meteor!
HOMER!
"Oh, sorry Moe, I gotta go, my damn weiner kids are listening"
"We are not weiners"
"Oh yea, then what are you wearing those uniforms for?"
"They made us"
"That's loser talk, you need to be more like me and my team, the future league bowling champions of the world!"
SOrry, had to finish that one up for ya
Dane Cook and Bill Simmons have a 'fued'?
Is this going to be settled with pillow fights? It sure seems that way.
Thanks Swany- one day when I have kids, not with a prostitute, I really want to flick a light switch and scream "fight, fight for your parent's love!". I have no imagination left….
Maybe they should complete the circle of life and Bill Simmons should write for Dane Cook, just like he wrote for Jimmy Kimmel? They'd both double the total amount of people who find either one of them funny at this point.
swany, dane cook steals from louis ck blatantly. almost word for word.
gun to my head, im gonna have to side with simmons on this one. at least he was good at one time. cooks been an abortion since day one.
Cook makes real shitty movies and "The Sports Guy" makes real shitty NFL picks. At least with Simmons, I don't have to pay money to see his crap-fest.
The best of Dane Cook dripped down his mother's leg
The best of Bill Simmons also dripped down Dane Cook's mother's leg.
I have no idea what that implies.
Who's the bigger douche? One word(?)…TOURGASM.
Checkmate.
WWSM…first of all, long time fan of your work…lets just say it implies that when Dane Cook's father and mother conceived him, the best part of him is the semen that dripped down his mothers leg rather than what stayed inside of her and got her pregnant.
That is one enormous zit on simmons's chin there. whoa there, that is the chin. withdrawn.
@HHY.
Ahhh! I just heard that guy for the first time like a week ago actually so that would explain my confusion. On a side note, Louis CK is absolutely fucking gold. Better than Ari Gold, and still solid like Robbie Gould. I laughed my ass off.
Dane Cook is to comedy what Steven Hawkings is to the decathlon
Was anyone else NOT confused by what WWSM previously said?
Logjammin:
I understand the original insult. Good lookin' out though.
Swany and Logjammin:
I think I was sort of saying that Bill Simmons fucked Dane Cook's mother, sans protection, and that the ensuing mess is the best thing Bill Simmons has come up with in a while.
Or maybe I wasn't saying that. Let's not think too deeply here.
Yea, we're not trying to re-invent the wheel here…
Dane Cook is the kind of guy that gets out of the shower to take a piss.
and gets back in the shower to take a shit.
Cook should be beaten without mercy for those unwatchably stupid ESPN baseball commercials. I wanna reach through the TV and slap him stupid. Simmons? I got no problem with Simmons.
By the way, when did Simmons chin start looking like a topographical map? It's in 3D. Amazing.
Laughing @ D.C's take on "blue steel"
Althought this will never be answered I must ask; am I the only one that actually DOESNT read ANYTHING on ESPN anymore? I mean, we bitch and moan about ESPN ruining sports, yet everyone seems to read the crap Simmons is putting up just to rip it. So my question is how many closet ESPN ball waxers are in the house? My only dose is when the broadcast my Cubbies or Sox or if I am in the unfortunate position of having to catch my highlights cause for some unfathomable reason I couldn't watch the game. That's it. So who the fuck is reading ESPN? Stand up.
(sits down)
I’ll stand up. I read it for scores, and go there habitually until I remember that I hate their writers. I have a pavlovian reaction to any Simmons post, where I just click and read, in the pointless hope that he re-gains a fraction of his fast ball. ESPN.com is basically like the dumpy neighbor you know you should stop talking to, but then you’re drunk, it’s 2:00 AM, and the next thing you know she’s on her knees like Bill Simmons at a Celtics bar-b-que.
I have a question, has any one ever seen a picture of the Sports Gal? I gotta believe this woman is a cow. an ugly jersey cow
Bill simmons is everywhere. Even if you like him, you can get sick of him. But no pictures of the Sports Gal and she has columns, adds to his columns and he is always talking about her, but no pictures.
Major ugly cow, gotta be.
The tragedy is that last year I enjoyed reading the Sports Gal mini-columns more than Bills. That either means that I'm gay, she's funny, or Bill just sucks that badly. Maybe all three. All I know is, at the end of the day, I still hope Dane Cook shits blood. And also that I'm not gay.
ESPN's website is filled with more banners, pop-ups and computer-paralyzing applications than most porn sites. Complete waste of time, and then they have the audacity to charge you if you make the mistake of thinking that you might want to read something their crack staff has written. If it wasn't for Scoop Jackson, that site would have no redeeming qualities.
lucky louie (Louis CK)> anything dane cook has ever or will ever do in his entire fucking life
Sure, Simmons is often–too often–a shill for the Boston teams. But, his worst stuff is far better than 99% of the stuff the bloggers are churning out. These same bloggers–who believe they are clever and edgy because they can denigrate ESPN and use the work
fuck"–would trade places with Bill Simmons in a heartbeat.
Oh, and Dane Cook is a real-life Kenny Banya ("it's gold Jerry!").
Is anyone else wondering what photographer at the Tribeca Film Festival thought to himself, "ooh! The Sports Guy! Photo op! I'm rich!"
And don't get down on Dane for that weak comeback/insult. It's likely he stole that as well and just botched the execution.
What I can't get over is that preposterous photo. It's like he knows he's the largest douche on the planet and is preparing to defend his title against Carlos Mencia. Two douches, one cage, no viewers. Rated R for incomprehensibly low ratios of talent to arrogance.
There is a pic of SG's wife (Kari? Something like that) in a thread over at Sons of The Sports Guy. She's some skinny NE broad.
Page 11 of the "How Hot is the Sports Gal?" thread under More Cowbell. Near the bottom, there's a post that points to some Flickr pics that show a Kari Simmons. A couple of people in the thread confirm it's her from the book signings.
And I find it hard to pick a side in this when Cook won't shut up about One October and Simmons seems to have embraced his inner wrestling heel persona to champion all things Patriots.
You say "Skinny NE Broad" like its a bad thing.
Dane Cook hands down!!
[www.spymac.com]
If it wasn't forAs exemplified by ESPN's mystifyingly continued employment of Scoop Jackson, that sitewould havehas no redeeming qualities.Fixed.
Yeah scoop jackson is a no talent, ignorant, hack.
Ike Barinholtz was funnier portraying Dane Cook than Cook himself.
Dude, Dane Cook's pic is phot-shopped to enhance his B-movie-star good looks. Extra shading on the spindly biceps, oh yeaaaaaaahhhh. Do it to me baby.
BTW, I was a fan of Bill Simmons till I heard him on a podcast. Instantaneously I realized how much of a little shit he was and could no longer stand anything coming from him. I projected Bill Simmons better than Bill Simmons projects himself. My inner douchebag is greater than both of theirs.
Bitches.
hahaha, fucktard.
testing whether you can't curse on comments
wow… this thing is ooold, I just realized, and I'm trying ot blow it up. Might explain why it won't let me post. Damnit! Me so funny, me must publish stupid, self-deprecating comment on internet thingie. Add comment, for me! For me! Will repeat activity only to recieve same result ad infinitum till stupidity rots the rest of me brain. Scurvy!