First things first:  Daisuke Matsuzaka won his 15th game last night as the Boston Red Sox defeated the Minnesota Twins to clinch the AL East, their first division title since 1995.  Whoop-di-fucking-do, the Yanks are still in the playoffs.  By my calculations, Dice-K will only pitch a maximum of 6 more games (unless he's ridden like Grover Cleveland Alexander), so soak up the Yoko goodness sexy readers.  Does the NFL have any Japanese players?

And now the thrilling events of a mediocre league: the Philadelphia Phillies beat the mighty Washington Nationals thanks to the inspired pitching of Cole Hamels and another great catch by Aaron Rowand thus securing their 12th victory in 15 games.  Meanwhile in Queens where David Wright forgot what a force out was, the Mets lost for the 11th time in 15 tries as the Florida Marlins beat them 7-4.  The boys from Flushing were 7 games up on the Phils on September 12th, but now they find themselves 1 game behind with 2 to play . . . the Chicago Cubs bested the Cincinnati Reds 6-0 and Alfonso Soriano actually had an outfield assist.  The Cubs captured the NL Central courtesy of the San Diego Padres triumph over the Milwaukee Brewers.  Congratulations on winning the toughest division in sports - it must have been due to Dr. Venkman's dugout visit . . . and the Arizona Diamondbacks did something.  They either won the NL West or clinched a share of it or the Wild Card - something.  Anyway, whatever they did, it was good.  I think.  I was drunk when Fernando Vina explained it, and I also thought he instructed me to go to the gentleman's club through the pictocube. -KD    

What to watch for in this weekend's biggest matchups.  Home teams in ALL CAPS.

Hope Solo over Briana Scurry — Hope apologized for yesterday's outburst, saying she's sorry "Briana's face is so busted."

FEDERAL DOG FIGHTING CHARGES over Lawsuits from Banks — File this under Michael Vick news: the hits just keep on comin'.

Scarlett Johansson's Bathwater over JONES SODA — I know Jones Soda is proud of its representation at Qwest Field, but representation at Qwest Field, but this story about their new flavors is ridiculous:

A spokeswoman for the Seattle-based company said the four literally named flavors — Dirt, Sports Cream, Perspiration and Natural Field Turf — are "pretty lifelike… Perspiration Soda is kind of salty tasting," she said, with a slightly higher sodium content than the average soda, with a smooth, "stinky football sock" finish.

PAC-10 POON over Big East Poon — Exhibit A pictured, right.  Big East Poon has the same lonely post with Louisville girls.  Apparently the conference doesn't have much to offer.

PLAYING IT COOL over Eating Your Dime Bag — EDSBS has a nice recap of the long fall from grace of Louisville linebacker Willie Williams that ended with a mouthful of marijuana.

Oh yeah, and in REAL sports match-ups, the big games are Rockies-Diamondbacks and Marlins-Mets/Nats-Phillies in MLB, Cal-Oregon and WVU-South Florida in NCAA football, and… there aren't any real blue-chip games in the NFL.  Maybe Indy-Denver?  Stick around this weekend for the KD Shift. 

Is there anything worse in the sports media than completely senseless weekly power rankings?  Just my Prelude column, which rocks your fucking face off every Friday. And people who actually have some kind of emotional investment in power rankings.

1. Scarlett Johansson.  Have I used this picture of her before?  Sure have.  Is that a problem, or is there something you need to tell your parents?

2. Hot, hot poon.  The reason for the light posting today?  It's a Friday at the end of a good month for the site, and I earned a lot of goodwill for the bikini record and college poon posts yesterday.

3. Ohio State.  So I said some hurtful things.  Hold your heads high, Bucks fans.  Turn the other cheek.  And whatever you do, don't make another video like this.

4. Injuries.  Double face-plant + gruesome ankle dislocation = good week. 

5. Mike Gundy.  The other OSU — the one in Oklahoma — had a fun week after the coach's meltdown.

6. Jake Delhomme.  A commercial with a chicken car and explosive footballs?  Sold.

7. Native Americans.  They finally get their own shoe.  It's like FUBU, but by someone else instead of "Us."

8. Gilbert Arenas.  Not much hoops news around here recently (Greg Oden got a dog?  Holy shit!  How fucking exciting!), but a couple of Gilbert gems elsewhere: Deadspin's candid interview and the Sports Bog's live-blog of Agent Zero's training session. An excerpt from the latter:

We're getting ready for the bike ride. It's supposed to take about an hour. If you see a dude on a mountain bike cruising down Constitution Avenue wearing Gil Zeros within the next few minutes, take a closer look. Meanwhile, I'm live blogging this while driving our photographer's Ford Focus so he can lean out the windows taking pictures. If we die chasing a quirky NBA superstar on a mountain bike around the Kennedy Center, tell my family I love them.

9. Oscar de la Hoya.  "I can't believe those strippers turned a profit off my stupidity!  I trusted them!" (Note: link is to post w/ hot stripper pics, not moose knuckle)

10. Prague.  The home to so many Czech women deserves its own mention more often, but today it gets inclusion for its 2016 Olympic bid.  It's funny because they don't speak English! 

Random video of the week: Dice stacking.  Eat a cock, cup stackers.

Residents of Madison, Wisconsin are reeling from the news that a couple in their early 20s were caught having sex in a women's room stall during a Badgers game at Camp Randall Stadium.

The [man and woman] were immediately ticketed for lewd and lascivious conduct, evicted from the stadium, and forced to appear in court for the first time Monday…

“I can’t recall another case in the time I’ve been with the district attorney’s office for someone arrested for having sex at a sporting event,” said Assistant District Attorney Mike Verveer… According to Verveer, both individuals were intoxicated at the football game.

You would think police would understand drunk people's need to fuck RIGHT NOW, and respect that the couple at least found the relative privacy of a bathroom stall.  As you can see, the scene is lovingly recreated in this artistic rendition by 289, and I think it's a pretty powerful image.  The badger costumes really convey the romance of the moment. 

(Thanks to steely-eyed commenter swanychitown)  

Bills tight end Kevin Everett went from near-death paralysis to successful surgery to voluntary movement in his arms to… flailing around in a wheelchair?  What's next, is he gonna fly out of the hospital? 

Live news fuck-ups are my favorite fuck-ups.

[Food Court Lunch, Barstool Sports] 

Three high school football players in Utah have been charged with sexually abusing three teammates.  The boys, all 15-year-old sophomores, are charged with attempted forcible sodomy and forcible sexual abuse (Side note: Good News! Forcible sodomy is not sexual abuse).

On one occasion, the boys held another boy down in the shower, and one of them placed his buttocks on his face, according to court documents.

In another incident, the teens held a boy down and tried to place genitals in his mouth, authorities allege.

I don't understand what the big deal is.  Getting held down and having a teammate's cock stuffed in your mouth is a rite of passage that builds unity and team chemistry.  How else can you explain the New England Patriots' success this year?