We needed 3 teams to win and 1 to lose in order to create the most awesome playoff to the playoffs scenario in the history of the collection of shit that is the National League.  Instead, 2 teams lost, and the ramifications of today's games were about as anticlimactic as an old man in a brothel.  Sure we still get to see the Rockies play the Padres in a 1-game playoff for the NL Wild Card, but Fate could have caused much more psychological pain.  Imagine if the Mets would have won today, but then lost tomorrow to the Phillies in the match to decide the NL East Champion.  Then, just think if they would have beat the Friars on Tuesday to face Colorado in the Wild Card playoff game.  And they were winning by 3 going into the bottom of the 9th.  And then Troy Tulowitzki hit a 2-out grand salami to beat them.  Dr. Kevorkian is back on the streets, and I believe he would be in high demand in Queens.  Anyway, the moral of the story here is that I'm a cruel bastard.  Mr. Met's mood is still optimistic though. 

Are you looking for a special way to ask for your ladyfriend's hand in marriage?  Well, this is how they do it in Bloomsburg, PA:

Kevin Weaver's engagement to Karen Slusser got off to a smashing start — he painted his proposal on a car and drove it in a demolition derby. "Every woman I know says she wants to announce it to the world when she gets engaged. I figured I'd announce it for her and make it well noted," said Weaver, 34, of Danville. Slusser, 47, of Mifflinville, knew Weaver was entering the derby. She saw him paint the car white and light blue, then top it with a stuffed bunny to advertise her rabbit-breeding business. But this past week, Weaver moved the car to a friend's garage, saying he needed to keep it out of the rain. While it was hidden inside, he painted "Karen Slusser will u marry me?" from the hood along the driver's side and up the trunk. He also attached a large stuffed ring — with fabric diamond — to the bunny's paws.

A demolition derby driver marrying a rabbit breeder?  What are the odds of that happening?  Talk about a mismatch.  This pair is definitely headed for counseling beause she'll be all like "I need the space in front of the trailer house for more cages because these fucking bunnies are breeding like fucking rabbits!", and he'll be all like "But I need the the space in front of the trailer house to repair that fucking Olds Omega for the derby this weekend!" -KD  

Well, not really, but at least they have some great hits once in a while.  My head this morning feels a little like Kyle Jefferson's felt after this collision:

Wisconsin ended up defeating the warriors of Leonidas 37-34.  It's comforting to see a ranked team beat an unranked opponent, especially when 7 squads failed to do so yesterday.  Time to liquidate the baseball card collection - act now for reduced rates on Jack McDowell rookie cards. -KD 

{Andy's Blog} 

#3 Oklahoma was upset by the Colorado Buffaloes today 27-24 on a last second field goal:

After [Colorado kicker Kevin] Eberhart's kick cleared the crossbar, the fans stormed the field as the dejected Sooners, who had blown a 24-7 second-half lead, walked off, their hopes of a national championship having taken a major hit.  The Sooners (4-1, 0-1) came in averaging a whopping 61.5 points to lead the nation. But behind a tough defense, the Buffs (3-2, 1-0) earned their biggest win under Dan Hawkins, who went 2-10 in his inaugural season last year.

To which I say, wasn't Oklahoma a 23-point favorite?  Hmm, interesting.  If you see smoke emanating from chimney, don't worry - it's just me burning all my personal papers, Social Security card and birth certificate.  Say hello to your new assistant editor, Miguel Sanchez.  

In other Top 10-ranked Big 12 team news, #7 Texas is losing to Kansas State 34-21 with 13 minutes left to play.  Memo to the gridiron squads in Norman and Austin:  You play in the BIG 12 not the BIG TEN, which means you can't just lose to any team you want. -KD

College football is killing me.  Well, at least causing me severe pain.  Two representatives of my local independent businessman just stopped by to tap my patellas with a ball-peen because West Virginia couldn't beat the South Florida last night.  It's a good thing I "borrowed" all that morphine from that oncology nurse I used to date.  Anyway, let's celebrate this minor upset with a body painter: 

Other than the obvious, there are 3 ways you can tell this astute scholar has been over-served:

1. He's painted green and yellow, and it's not March 17th.
2. Everyone knows sober Floridians don't smoke.
3. He's hitting on the fat chicks. -KD 

"Sugar" Shane Mosley has been accused of using BALCO's  "the cream" and "the clear" before a 2003 victory over Oscar De La Hoya:

Mosley on Friday confirmed that he had unknowingly taken some banned substances . . . "Unknowingly, yes, some of the substances they are talking about, were being used as part of the workouts," Mosley told ESPN.com. "I didn't know what the hell it was.  I didn't know anything about that stuff. It was something given to me, pushed up on me. I'm a health freak-type of guy. I like to have everything organic, natural."

Public defenders are always incredulous when I tell them this right before the bond hearing, but just like Mr. Mosley, sometimes I can't be sure what I'm ingesting, injecting or inhaling.  It could be grain alcohol, or smack, or spirit of turpentine - I just don't know.  When you're at a soiree where most of the party-goers are packing heat, it's best not be rude.  And you know, when in Rome . . . Anyway, the people in charge should change the name of "the clear" to "the sugar" in honor of Shane.  That way, we can discreetly ask for cream and sugar in our beverages at the local gym to achieve more robust physiques.  Or, you could ask for whatever Oscar De La Hoya is taking to achieve a standing ovation at the local female impersonator club after your rendition of "If I Could Turn Back Time". -KD