David Wells, the aging, overweight diabetic who last year was stricken with gout, returned to the mound last night as a Dodger, spinning five innings of work to get the victory in a 6-2 win over the Mets. The highlight of the night may very well have been the 44-year-old's bunt single in the fifth inning (thanks to commenters TEXAS and Camp Tiger Claw, who noted that he also probably knows more about bundt cakes and gunts than bunts). Wells described his performance and state of well being after the game as such:
"I might not look sexy, but I feel sexy."
If I've learned anything from Oprah, it's that "sexy" has nothing to do with your appearance and everything to do with your confidence and self-esteem. Which is probably why she has a show that appeals to fatass Midwestern housewives, because nobody sitting on their couch watching TV wants to be told that they're ugly as hell. But I'm here to break it to you: if you like watching Oprah, you're not only fat, but also a complete simpleton. How you've survived this long is a mystery.
[FanHaus]
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I felt sexy one time, and it got me a restraining order.
They're all on the couch watching Oprah? I thought they were all on the Internet with 15 cats running around like Vick's dogs.
Fat middle-aged women abuse and neglect animals too, and I don't see them being arrested. They just go to Oprah and get free shit.
"Follow me."
-Tommy Lasorda
And if you take offense to that, then you're taking this site WAY too seriously.
Get help for that too.
I just bit into a pepper.
Something tells me that I need David Wells to feel less sexy about himself.
I've hated David Wells ever since he got traded to the White Sox and then proceeded to bitch about his teammates for two months and made 6 starts before going on the DL and then asking for a trade.
Does anyone care? No. Just thought I'd throw that out there.
Also, +4 to RBD for a completely useless and off the point observation.
He's bringing it back? Did he eat it? I don't want it if it's been in him.
Wells looks like a fat Rob Halford.
but I feel sexy
By this criteria, other items that feel sexy include: 20 LB bag of shit; Bowl of jello; Pot of chili; floating cadaver; hair trimmings and shortening; Oliver Miller.
Feeling sexy really shouldn't be admissible… cause I'm sure man tits feel pretty damn close to the real thing… but they are so far from sexy that even A-Rod wouldn't hit it.
Which is probably why she has a show that appeals to fatass Midwestern housewives, because nobody sitting on their couch watching TV wants to be told that they're ugly as hell. ——————
Why you gotta talk about my sister, Matt?
If David Wells Did "Dick in a Box" instead of Timberlake, I would have that video playing in my house 24/mother fuckin' 7!
289, is that Common's body? The good people of Chicago object to the use of a legitimately sexy local to promote the campaign of a legitimately tubby lefty.
BigFan, are those Yoko’s?
@Hardaway: Damn right. She's the only reason I like Dice K.
I think he's pitching today. Or tomorrow. One of the two.
Tits please.
I just saw the back of today's Daily News. It says, Porky's Revenge, with the following subtitle, David Wells feasts on Mets… I have nothing to add really. That just cracked me up.
@HHY:
Rusty Ryan: Are you alright?
Danny Ocean: Yeh, um, I just bit into a pepper.
Rusty Ryan: Is that… are you… are you watching Oprah?
Hopefully you won't take back my points – I LIVE for those.
I called my girlfriend a gunt. I got hit in the face.
In unrelated news, Terry Forster called and said he, too, feels sexy. Big Tub O' Goo sexy.