Agent Steinz pointed me in the direction of this Mike Wise column on Redskins tight end/H-back Chris Cooley, and there's so much goodness that I've got to shoot bullets of knowledge into your brain. Keep in mind, all of this is besides his super short-shorts at practice and recent growth of a mustache (to honor North Dallas Forty).
• His fiancee, Christy, is a former Redskins cheerleader who was fired when it was learned they were dating. They met through another Redskins cheerleader Cooley had also dated and was also fired. To this day some of the Redskinettes are still pissed at Cooley.
• Coach Joe Gibbs has asked him not eat off the floor of the team plane. From the column: "Hey, the applesauce cup flipped over," he explained. "I just ate it out of the cup off the floor like a dog. I didn't think it was that big a deal."
• Cooley went to Vixens strip club in West Virginia this spring, and he took Christy with him. And her father, her uncle, and her uncle's wife. They were recognized by the staff, and the strippers danced to "Hail to the Redskins."
And I didn't even get to the Captain Chaos nickname or loving '80s hair bands or partying with Dale Earnhardt. Dale Earnhardt, Jr., that is. Although if someone could invent a time machine that was powered by being awesome, Cooley could go back and hang with the Intimidator, too. And maybe stop Hitler too. Yeah, I guess he should probably stop Hitler first, then hang with Dale Earnhardt. That makes more sense.
SEXY UPDATE: 289 points us to Christy's Maxim photo shoot.
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Jim Kleinsasser hangs his head in shame.
@hardawayhatesyou: Kleinsasser could kick this guy's ass.
Also, I heard Darren Daulton's just hanging out watching re-runs of Eight is Enough. Cooley should give him a call about that whole time travel bit.
You forgot two of the better ones:
In honor of Christy's 21st birthday last year, Christy's father, Scott, and Cooley threw back 21 shots of Jim Beam bourbon. Apiece. "Oh, we were hurtin'," Cooley said.
The incensed Redskinettes even choreographed a number in which they were going to turn their backs on Cooley at a home game. He got wind of the plan, ran over after scoring a touchdown and tried to give one of the cheerleaders the football. But she wouldn't accept and the ball fell to the ground. Worse, the touchdown was called back.
"The affinity for '80s headbanger bands, including Whitesnake, Slayer and Poison, might also have to take a back seat to matrimony — although Cooley and Christy managed to take in Def Leppard in the past year."
I'm pretty sure Slayer does not fit in with the rest of these bands.
Slayer, Overkill, and Pantera yes. Def Leppard and poison no. Either way remember you can't spell Cooley without "cool".
I would have liked to have seen, in image format, that exact moment when he handed the ball to the cheerleader and she didn't take it.
Also, my roomate (a DC native and Redskins supergeek) passes the ball to Cooley every goddamn time in Madden.
What's Chris Cooley doing in Clinton Portis's basement?
Because SO many people care what the redskinettes think, especially when chosing sides between them and someone who actually has an outcome on the wellbeing and preformance of the team… Just keep them jiggling, sugar tits, otherwise Smoot will have to teach you all a double sided rubber lesson in pain>.
i have a time machine that's powered by dungeons and dragons experience points, but that only gets me back to partying with ricky martin circa "she bangs." so i've got that going for me.
well-being, performance… sorry, i aint booklearned too good
Although if someone could invent a time machine that was powered by being awesome, Cooley could go back and hang with the Intimidator, too.
Are we sure were talking about Cooley and not about Uncle Rico? "I bet i could throw a football over those Mountains."
Chuck Norris has nothing on Chris Cooley.
Well his last name IS "Cool"ey.
Cooley and Brady tag up every weekend and swap out women.
whoa.
mind bullets hurt.
Oh… Cooley means "Cool" in this case? I doubt that any of us would have gotten that.
You should hear his high harmony.
Hey Chris Cooley, call me when you've had to bury a dead stripper in the middle of the woods in upstate NY at 4am on a freezing February night, until then, you're just an amateur in my book.
He just moved way up the FF draft board for me. I've never bought a player specific team jersey of any kind…I may be wearing a Cooley jersey to Bengals games this year.
For all those that are curious, some hardcore research has come up with this:
[web.archive.org]
You are welcome.
Punch,
Her favorite player was Smoot?
Of course it was!
Cooley did OK for himself….g-damn she's hot.
Cooley. Damn. What constitutes "dating" in order for a cheerleader to get fired (like, a handjob just gets you a warning, right)?
Now if we could only figure out who the first cheerleader he dated briefly was…
Internet Archiving projects are great!
I knew she looked familiar, she was in Maxim a few years ago.
While you entertain yourselves, I am busily finding this Vixens nightclub and paging 289 for a serious road trip for "research".
Chris Cooley, the only Mormon to ever make it rain
Cooley actually is so good, he beat himself.
Late in the season two years ago, he scored 3 touchdowns. Nothing wrong with that – unless you're in a fantasy football championship game – and your opponent has you in his lineup.
Yes, it takes the might of Chris Cooley to take down Chris Cooley.
It is definitly a great day to be a Redskins fan. Cooley is easily the coolest Utah resident ever.
Where's the West Fuckin' Virginia tag? BTW, Vixens is a skankhole.
GO SKINS !! …..and that strip club ain't bad