Suddenly I can't wait for the next Winter Olympics.  I really believe more sports should result in the losers dying.  Especially if one of those losers is Barry Bonds. 

UPDATE: Yes, as some of you have noticed, this was on a weekend post recently.  Sorry… it's too hot in my apartment to remember things.  Also, I may or may not be drunk.

Claude Makélélé (heinie ho?) is a defensive midfielder for Chelsea who is married to French supermodel Noémie Lenoir (above, right).  And according to the WAG (futbol wives and girlfriends) blog Kickette, Claude and Noemie have possibly the greatest marriage ever:

Makelele has reportedly cheated on [Lenoir] many times with page 3 model Jamelah Asmar [above, left] - and was even said to be high tailing it between London and Paris to keep them both happy.  Still, Noemie has stayed.  She’s recently been quoted as saying she doesn’t mind if Claude spends lots of money on her: "If he gives Keylan (their son) a bath, that’s better than a diamond ring."

I also heard that Noémie makes dinner wearing lingerie and gives blowjobs that cure heart disease.  What a woman.  Why can't I marry a supermodel who's cool with me nailing topless models as long as I come home to wash the kid?  It's almost like millionaire world-class athletes get to do things regular people could never get away with.

(Bored? You may want to poke around Jamelah's website.) 

Just when you think the scandals in cycling can't get any more ridiculous, a British man has been accused of having sex with a bicycle.

Robert Stewart was allegedly caught in the act by two terrified cleaners who walked into his bedroom in a hostel. Stewart has denied the accusation, claiming it was caused by a misunderstanding after he had too much to drink.

The 51-year-old bachelor was charged with the bizarre sexual offence after he was disturbed by the cleaner and her colleague in a private hostel in Ayr. The charge alleges he conducted himself in a disorderly manner, simulated sex with a bicycle and continued to do so while naked from the waist down in the presence of two female employees.

Already the media is trying to frame this guy as some sort of weirdo, but let's not forget that the bike is an inherently sexual creature.  You can't go out on the town dressed like that and expect nothing to happen.  Just look at how loose that chain is, fer chrissakes!  That bike was asking for it.  Slut.

Tank Johnson, the former Bears defensive tackle who was cut last week following an 8-game suspension levied by Der Kommissar, has often spoken about a troubled childhood during which his father was in and out of prison and his mother did drugs.  Except, uh, it may not be true.

''You can't fabricate things, and you can't go around making up accusations and building up stories based on your family,'' said [aunt] Chris Johnson, who lives in Gary.  Said [father] Terry Johnson Sr: ''I've never been in prison."

Tank Johnson also has told a story about how someone doused him with gasoline and attempted to set him on fire when he lived in Gary. Chris Johnson said she had ''no idea'' if that is true.  She said the family ''loves Tank unconditionally, but we don't understand the fabrications and lies. Nobody knows why he does it.''

Ugh, I can't stand liars.  One time I killed a person for lying.  I smashed his head in with a ballpeen hammer, and when the cops showed up they couldn't charge me with a crime because they couldn't find the murder weapon because I ate it.  I was able to digest the wooden handle, but pooping the hammer head out three days later hurt like hell.  True story.

Story via the FanHaus

Freakin' everybody with a love of the NBA and at least a partially formed cerebellum is sharing their thoughts on last night's draft, so I'll spare you my perfectly ill-formed thoughts.  Besides, I get paid to make dead hooker jokes, not provide analysis.

However, as a fan of All Things Pacific Northwest — except white people with dredlocks, I can't fucking stand them — I'd like to congratulate the Blazers and Sonics for giving the NBA a new center of gravity.  Greg Oden and Kevin Durant went #1 and #2 as expected, then new Seattle GM Sam Presti shipped Ray Allen to Boston for Jeff Green at #5 plus Theo Ratliff Delonte West and Wally Sczerbiak.  The Blazers, as expected, unloaded Zach Randolph — and though many credited Isiah Thomas for getting a 20-10 guy for Steve freakin Francis, you can expect the Blazers to buy out the Franchise to get some cap room.

Lots more to discuss, but none of it pertains to strippers and booze (not until Randolph gets to NYC, anyway), so I'm checking out of the discussion.  In the meantime, I recommend you all check in at TrueHoop, where Henry Abbott has been killin' it on location — his talks with some of the tops draft picks shows how good blogging is better than straight journalism — and also the fabulosity that is Miss Gossip.  Let's hear your draft thoughts and cancer jokes in the comments.

Frank Thomas became the 21st MLB player to hit 500 home runs, and Craig Biggio notched his 3000th hit (the 27th player to do so) last night, marking the first time in history that two very good players on teams no one particularly cared about reached important milestones on the night of a more entertaining NBA draft.

Thomas launched his 500th homer (13th this season) in the first inning, a three-run shot that gave the Blue Jays a 4-0 lead.  But the Blue Jays squandered the lead, and Thomas was ejected in the ninth inning for arguing balls and strikes, and the Twins went on to win 8-5.

Biggio, meanwhile, collected five hits last night in the Astros' 11-inning win over the Rockies.  He tried to stretch #3000, a single to right, into a double but was thrown out at second.  But the Astros stopped the game for a little celebration, anyway, and it was all touching and crap.  Then Carlos Lee hit a walk-off grand slam in the 11th with the 'Stros trailing, and everyone lived happily ever after.

Now, of course, baseball fans can argue: do Thomas and Biggio belong in the Hall of Fame?  And the correct response, of course, is omigod, can you believe the Spice Girls are having a reunion?