ELIJAH DUKES IS SMOOOOOTH
06.18.07
Elijah Dukes has had an exciting couple of weeks, what with his now ex-wife getting a restraining order against him and the claim that he impregnated a 17-year-old foster child. And now his ex-wife is doing radio interviews! Huzzah! Of course, I don't like listening to people talk, but The Big Lead used up some of the minutes in his life to listen to the whole thing, and he's compiled some highlights:
* Dukes has been diagnosed as bi-polar and is a ‘good husband when he’s on his medication’
* She’s trying to figure out which 17-year-old slept with her ex-husband, because ‘those girls have kept my children before’
* Elijah’s most frequently-used pickup line is: ‘I want you to have my baby’ and he follows that up with ‘Can I be your first baby daddy?’
Hmmm… I'll have to try that one. My old stand-bys of "I'd like to give you chlamydia" and "I will pay you for sex" just haven't been panning out for me recently.
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You could always try "I'll fuck you so hard your kids will be born dizzy".
It's worth a shot.
i always went with "want to fuck, dogstyle"? never seemed to work for some reason.
‘good husband when he’s on his medication’
That medication? Flomax.
My main pickup line: "I'm not Elijah Dukes."
It isn't as successful as you may think with the 17 & Easy crowd.
My main pickup line: "I'm not Elijah Dukes."
It isn't as successful as you may think with the 17 & Easy crowd.
If she looked a little less like a cross between a troll doll and an orc she probably wouldn't have to worry about him banging 17-year-olds.
Try these Ufford:
"Do you wash your pants in Windex? Cuz' i can see myself in them."
Or my favorite:
"Hey little girl on the bike, do you wanna make $82 dollars?"
"No, I swear, when he's not threatening my life or brandishing a gun, he's a wonderful husband. He's very affectionate – why just the other day he forced sodomy."
I don't know how effective Dukes' pick-up lines are. I mean, just one bastard child?!? It would seem that if you want to spread the lingo that spreads the legs, Shawn Kemp is still the master.
Assuming this is a movie instead of real life, let's suppose that the drugs make Elijah completely and utterly useless in the game of baseball. However, in order to keep his marriage with the love of his life (played by Jay-Z apparently) he has to take the Flomax (haha). Which would you choose?
Haha.. I'm just kidding. As Hov taught us back in the day (2 Jay-Z references in one post? really?), Money and Cash come before Hoes.
That picture is like the ugly version of "Intolerable Cruelty"
These lines worked after the drugs started taking effect:
"Hey little girl, do you want some candy?"
Leaning out the back of the van door, "No, honey, this is the same van that Scooby Doo rides in, see the dog collar?"
I have a T-shirt that says: "Will drop pants for sex". It's gotten me laid at least twice.
"I want you to have my baby" was the line used by Tyrese's character is the very terrible movie Baby Boy. And, to be clear, Dukes is no Tyrese.
I think you have the photos mixed up, Matt. Isn't the one shown above supposed to go with the "Eddie Murphy agrees to out of court settlement with trannie hooker" post?
Alternate photo caption: "No, No… it's "I before E, except after C"…
I like to be subtle, so I usually go with:
"I'll bet you give better head than my wife or girlfriend."
Saw Tyrese in a "Stop snitchin'" clip on 20/20. He's so street.
He is no Chris Cooley
[journals.aol.com]
Chris Cooley is one smooooooth operator!
Another favorite would be "let me show you a little trick I learned in prison."
Have you tried, "I'm mostly sterile, want to have sex with me?"
You know what cartoon I miss? Grape Ape.
You really don't need pickup lines if you have enough chloroform on hand.
Wow, she looks like the retarded offspring of five monkeys having butt-sex with a fish squirrel
retarded fish frogs.
She forgot about his most popular pickup line, "Hey, you look just like the guy from Forest Gump."
I'm fond of "you wanna see if it fits?"
Dawg
in other news….Dukes' batting average has slipped below the Mendoza line for the first time this season to .191. Kudos to the Devil Rays GM for waisting a roster spot on a wife beating, pedaphile, schtizo who can't even hit .200.
She looks like she combs her hair with a caramel apple.
Classic!
Collin - I don't know where to even start with that abomination of a sentence.
Punch Rockgroin – I actually got that one from my old man. I can't remember who he originally said it about but it is a classic.
I don't wanna sound racist, but could we get a black dude to tell me what 'those girls have kept my children before’ means?
Spelling the word pedophile in the WL Comments. The adventure continues!
HHY: Babysat.
i guess 'I want you to have my abortion' is a little too abrasive. Damn.
Thanks Tim. Although I grew up on the southside of Chicago, I'm not as street as a Elijiah Dukes. Or a Chris Cooley. Or a 'Tim', I guess.
fuck! all the good comments we're already taken!
"kept my children before" is street for "dealer wouldn't sell me crack when I'm wheeling around a stroller"
"Do you know what GHB tastes like?" doesn't exactly charm the ladies, but it lets me know my chances up front. And time is money to a guy like me.
Ah, foster children as labor (in this case babysitting & baseball player servicing), a great American tradition.
I've been known to use, "Don't be frightened, it's just saying hello." On a side note, you cannot be wearing pants.
I always score with the "Hey Baby. Want to be the last woman I fuck for the next 25 to life?"
"I'm judging the city wide blow job competition. Wanna enter?"
That hasn't actually worked for me yet, but simple math says it has to eventually.
I used "I'll sleep with your wife for a boat ride." at the lake yesterday. And no, i did not get a boat ride.
There's always the old standby when you're at a bar or danceclub: "Are you walking to your car alone later?"
'those girls have kept my children before’ – what does that even mean? did a foster child say that a kid Mrs. dukes up there gave birth to was theirs? or did she sell one a baby?
Isnt it a universal benefit to being a jock (even in the minors) that you get decent trim?
Isnt it embarassing when major league ballplayers cant get quality pussy?
When baseball was still america's sport, you could have been a slick fielding .220 hitter and still hit above average poon on a daily basis.
Radio interviews? No shit. Wonder why her fug ass isn't doing tv?