When I got home from the shittiest game in NBA Finals history last night, I had about twice the normal amount of email I usually have after a couple hours away from the ol' thinkin' machine. Then I took a close look at the subject lines — Elijah Dukes strikes again; Dukes again; Elijah Dukes keeps on givin'; Elijah Dukes is setting up franchises; Elijah Dukes Lovechild; More baby mama drama for Elijah Dukes — and I wondered if, just maybe, Elijah Dukes had done something of interest.
And indeed he has: Dukes allegedly impregnated a 17-year-old foster child who at the time was living with his step-grandmother. (A foster child? Dukes is a genius! Those teenagers don't have parents who get all pissed off when you give 'em a little attention.)
The girl, expected to give birth Nov. 5, told investigators she and Dukes had consensual sex on the living room sofa. She said Dukes got angry when she and another person confronted him about the pregnancy. "Yeah, we sat down and told him and he got mad and threw a Gatorade at me," she told investigators.
Oh, c'mon now. It probably wasn't even one of the big Gatorades you drink when you're hung over. Elijah was just bullshittin'. He usually lets you know if he means otherwise.
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Shhhhh Jenny…It's just me, Elijah…dawg.
Happy Father's Day!
its his couch, its his relative's foster child. if thats what he wants to do, i think people should just mind their business
Dukes has already shown that he's the best when it comes to responsibility. I he's just waiting for a real challenge. Like election to be the United States first King.
I call bullshittin'! You can't get pregnant on a couch.
Sounds like Gatorade has their new spokesman.
Foster children just want to feel loved. Which makes them easy.
Can someone please let pro athletes know that condoms are not only cheap, but readily available?
The second I become Rich & Famous… Vasectomy
This sort of shit happens all the time. Why do you think Dave Thomas liked foster kids so much?
"Hey dawg, I need some supply for my puppy fighting ring." Vicheal Mick.
the black mamba thinks he should've just pulled out & taken aim.
Cool.
-Mark Chmura
whowillsexmutombo? apparently a foster child.
this guy is a prison bitch waiting to happen. I mean that towards dukes not mutombo
dukes needs to learn how to put it in the butt….remember, if there's grass on the field play ball and if not, there's always mud out back.
I agree with the bullshit call. Odds are, she was on top. And everyone knows a girl cant get pregnant when she's on top…it's just gravity.
She had to be better-looking than his ex-wife, so he had that going for him, which is good.
Plus I think its juts about time to get that Chris Henry/Elijiah Dukes giant scoreboard going.
Anybody up for a Henry/Dukes drinking game?
And somewhere in Jersery, Jason Kidd nods his head in approval. Well played Elijah!
Best…Maury episode…ever.
"He's doing well on the field," she said. "He's doing so good. It's just every time he turns around there's something coming at him."
-From the linked article
It seems every time he turns around he's coming at something there.
Also his step-grandmother is named Johnnie Johnson. I ain't even bullshittin', dawg.
As Elijah is the Cary Grant of potential wife-murderers is it any wonder he can charm the pants off impressionable young ladies? Especially ones he can pin down.
What is the over under on how long until Tampa drops/suspends/trades his ass?
Dukes is going to be the new Steve Howe. But instead of getting suspended 7 times for substance abuse, Dukes will get suspended 7 times for spousal/girl friend/foster shild abuse.
If the man could control the black athlete, the sports world would be a much duller place.
I am seriously considering changing my handle to Elijiah Aint Bullshitting.
Woody Allen wants to know what the big problem is.
Gatorade the thirst quench… errr the abortion in a bottle.
Fosters: It's Australian for Jailbait.
Don't see what the big deal is. What would the world be like without athletes going through life impregnating women? THis kid will probably weigh 40 pounds when it is born. They will cut the cord and the kid will bust a cap in the doctor's ass while drinking a 40.
It will happen dawg.
The shittiest game in NBA Finals history, Matt? Wait, I though the playoffs were over now. What did you do, catch a reply of the Spurs-Nets finals on ESPN Classic, or something?
Simply stunning.
That kid aint mine dawg, no bullshittin. I gotz to play playstation bitch. Here's a coat hanger, you know what to do dawg. I aint frontin.
In the words of "Pops" in Dirty Work:
Back then we didn't have these fancy birth control methods… Like pulling out!
I bet it was an orange gatorade too…goes well with fried chicken
The best part of this story was the deadspin angle:
That's because, while the age of consent in Florida is 18, if the other person is 24 or younger, age of consent is only 16. The Devil Rays outfielder was born on June 26, 1984, so … and Dukes gets in under the tag!
I bet the kid is actually federline's that guy is going around and knocking up everyone these days.
I heard they give warnings at D-Rays games (like they do at Pats games for Tom Brady) that if Dukes looks at you for more than 3 seconds you've just been impregnated. I'm tellin’ you guys, don't even make eye contact with the TV when Dukes comes on cuz if a midget can get Arnold Schwarzenegger pregnant in a bad mid 90's movie( [www.imdb.com] ) we have no chance against the Dukes. And seriously, dude, a Gatorade? Come on, you gotta hit her in the stomach with something harder than that.
I've never been much of a Devil Rays fan. In fact, they kinda scare me. I think this goes back to when I was a kid and Elijah Dukes killed my dad.