Bolivian President Evo Morales is upset that FIFA has barred all international matches above 8,200 feet:

The president of Bolivia says he has the support of Argentina, Uruguay and Venezuela in a bid to overturn a FIFA ban on international soccer games played at high altitude . . . [t]hat would exclude much of Bolivia as well as parts of Ecuador, Peru, Colombia, Chile and Mexico.

So he sought the support of nations that would not even be effected by the ban?  And he didn't seek the cooperation of the countries that would?  That doesn't make any sense, unless, like me, he doesn't think South America is important enough to know which nation is which.  Take that, geography snobs!  The Bolivian citizens celebrated sport to show FIFA they mean business:

[S]tudents jumped rope, women danced and police cadets leaped through flaming hoops during celebrations of a high-altitude sport in the chilly Andean air. Joining the rally, the president ran a lap through the streets of La Paz, jumped on a trampoline and played pickup soccer against former members of Bolivia's national team.

Nothing exhibits your readiness to host an international competition like police cadets jumping through flaming hoops.  Or maybe that displays the first stage dementia of altitude sickness.  Whatever, it sounds like a vibrant culture wherever it is. -KD

The lovely Maria Sharapova advanced to the second round of the French Open by defeating Emilie Loit of France 6-3, 7-6(4), and I'm going to pretend like I know what that 4 in the parentheses means. 

The second-ranked Russian wasted seven break points in the first game of the match, but then converted both of her opportunities in the third and fifth games.  "My shoulder is still not where I want it to be. It's still not perfect," Sharapova said. "I don't think I've had a more serious injury."

I beg to differ Maria, your shoulder is perfect.  Your whole body is perfect.  God must have been drinking Jamaican Blue Mountain coffee the day he crafted your form. But I injured my shoulder once.  In fact, you were indirectly involved.  I'll tell you about it some time over drinks perhaps?  

In other hot clay action, Venus Williams beat Ashley Harkleroad (who is now on my radar) of the United States 6-1, 7-6 (8), Svetlana Kuznetsova triumphed over Ekaterina Bychkova (I wonder what her nickname is?) of Russia 6-0, 6-3, and Anastasia Myskina, the 2004 French Open champion, lost to American Meghann Shaughnessy 6-1, 6-0.

In men's action . . . I'm assuming you don't care either.  I'm going to daydream about playing "Cold War interrogation" with Miss Sharapova now. -KD

Lakers owner Jerry Buss joined the ever-growing list of fabulously wealthy people who can afford to have a personal driver but still get behind the wheel after drinking, as he was arrested for suspicion of DUI late Tuesday night.

The 74-year-old Buss was taken into custody shortly before 1 a.m. after he drove his gold Mercedes-Benz station wagon the wrong way on a street… "Although I was driving only a short distance, it was a bad decision and I was wrong to do it," Buss said in a statement issued by the Lakers. "It was a mistake I will not make again."

Well, yeah.  Of course he's not going to make the mistake again.  He's 74 years old.  He may be dead by the time I finish writing this sentence.  Still alive?  Okay, whatever.  He's got, like, a week.

Also of note: an unidentified 23-year-old woman was with Buss in the car when he got arrested.  Please God let that be his granddaughter or his secretary.  Because any other explanation… ew.  Just ew.  Old people are gross.

As you all surely know, Bears defensive tackle Tank Johnson was recently released from a two-month stay in Cook County Jail, and 300-pound athletes can't exactly get by on "a scoop of grits for breakfast, a bologna sandwich for lunch and a chicken leg for dinner."  So Tank turned his attention to the jail commissary.

[Johnson] spent almost $700 buying assorted junk food during the 60 days he spent in the Cook County Jail. And while the 6-foot-3, 300-pound lineman is built like a vending machine, the roster of items he ordered reads like he raided one, too.

That's right, his purchases included 162 beef sticks, 40 honey bun sweet rolls, 35 summer sausage blocks, 35 bags of barbecue chips, and a Halloween haul of candy over his sixty day incarceration.

Johnson supplemented his diet by relying on the commissary and all the treats it offers — though nutritionists don't advise anyone follow Johnson's food choices.

Man, where would this country be without nutritionists?  They're like a cross between firefighters and ER surgeons, if firefighters were braver and surgeons were smarter.  America's heroes?  No, friends: the world's heroes.

(From Pro Football Talk via the FanHouse) 

Say what you will about the New York Post's headlines, but this is the kind of paparazzi work we expect from the most raggedy of the daily rags: Alex Rodriguez took a stacked blonde to a strip club in Toronoto before retiring to his room at the Four Seasons with her.

The cozy duo… headed to a glitzy strip club before making their way to his hotel, where the pair ducked into an elevator and headed upstairs just after midnight.  Cynthia Rodriguez – A-Rod's wife and mother of their 2 1/2-year-old daughter, Natasha – was nowhere to be seen during the slugger's big night out on the town… And it came as Rodriguez took a room at Toronto's Four Seasons hotel – down the street from the Park Hyatt, where most, if not all of his Yankee teammates and coaches are staying during a three-game stint that ends tonight.

Oh man.  I can't even begin to imagine what they did in the hotel room.  Do you think they talked about shoes?  I bet they talked about shoes.  Then they probably watched West Side Story on DVD, maybe listened to some Bette Midler.  That's the kind of thing a gay man should only do with his wife.  Shameful.

Okay, okay: he's straight.  And he's a pro athlete who isn't faithful to his wife.  Shockeroo.  But in his defense, have you been to a Canadian strip club?  Any man alive needs release after setting foot in one of those pleasure havens.  Lesser men might have humped the couch in the lobby of the Four Seasons.  I applaud his restraint.

Listen, I dislike the East Coast bias just as much as everybody else.  I live in New York: you think I'm not tired of the Yankees?  However, that's what's made these first couple months of the baseball season so positively delicious.  Because as irritating and obnoxious as Red Sox fans are, the Red Sox as an organization are still slightly less loathsome than the pinstriped fellows in the Bronx.

The Yankees' freefall — A-Rod's late-night transgressions notwithstanding (more on this in a bit) — continued last night with a 3-2 loss to the Blue Jays, their fifth straight defeat and 13th in 18 games.  They're now tied for last place in the AL East with Tampa Bay with a record of 21-29.  Andy Pettite pitched well but gave up a steal of home in the seventh and a sac fly in the 8th that sealed the game.

Four hours up I-95, it's a different story.  Josh Beckett returned from the DL last night to pitch seven strong innings in the Sawx' 4-2 victory over Cleveland, and I can actually feel the schadenfreude from here.  Oh wait, that's just my own schadenfreude.  Anyway, Boston's got an 14.5 game lead over the Yanks, and it's going to take more than Roger Clemens and some extra hussies for A-Rod to turn the Bombers around.  And for every sports fan who doesn't swear allegiance to the Yankees, that's great news.

Other MLB scores: The Rockies won their seventh straight game for the first time since 1998.  Does it still count if it came against the Cardinals? … Armando Benitez blew a 12th-inning lead and Carlos Delgado hit the game-winning home run (his second of the game, and his second multi-homer game this week) as the Mets beat the Giants 5-4… Elijah Dukes is sorry, dawg.  He ain't even bullshittin'.