Assistant Editor Note: Do not throw batteries at anyone!  This is all in fun.  If your team lacks luster, taunt them with ribald rhymes in iambic pentameter like I do.

MLB has nearly completed a month of play, and it's time for the fans of the last place clubs to evaluate their team's performance in terms of volts of Direct Current.  The bigger the disappointment, the bigger the battery.

New York Yankees – Energizer 'D' cells.  Classic, like the Big Apple.  Heavy enough to let pitching staff know you're upset, but light enough not to do any permanent damage.  The Bombers have enough injuries.

Kansas City Royals – Eveready 'AA's.  They're light, and you get more bang for your buck – you're going to need these for a while.  

Texas Rangers – Wal-Mart brand 9 volts.  Make sure they're out of juice by licking the poles. (Hi-yo!)

Colorado Rockies – Duracell Rechargeable 'AAA's.  The Mountains still have a chance to recover, and Christian Clubhouses love to recycle.

Had the Cards played the Cubs tonight, one of these teams would be tied for last place in the NL Central with the Astros, so . . .
St. Louis Cardinals and Houston Astros – Beltone Hearing Aid batteries.  This division is wide open, but let them know you're annoyed with a token purchase.

Chicago Cubs – George Westinghouse's magic Alternate Current.  It's been 99 years, time to tell the Lovable Losers you mean business.  It will anger Thomas Alva Edison, but what has he done for you lately? 

Washington Nationals – Sears Die Hard car battery.  Add some jumper cables to reanimate Walter Johnson. 

There you have it, we'll review the standings again near Memorial Day.  And please dispose of your batteries in the proper receptacle, or, failing that, I've heard that low grade battery acid makes a serviceable hallucinogenic. -KD