The Chicago Bulls defeated the defending NBA Champion Miami Heat this afternoon to complete a First Round sweep and knock the Heat out of the Playoffs.  This series clearly showed that United Airlines and their palatial United Center is mightier than American Airlines and their paltry Miami arena.  If Gershwin's "Rhapsody in Blue" didn't prove it to you before, United is the way to fly sexy readers.  I heard they offer discount flights for sexy assistant sportsblog editors who have to fly to Dublin for emergency weddings.  (How about it UA?  I can shill for you all day long.)  Anyway, I think the Bulls will play the Pistons, who swept the Orland Magic, in the Conference Semifinals.  I'm not sure though because this new NBA seeding system where #5s receive home court advantage still confuses me.  Every time someone attempts to explain it to me, my eyes glaze over just as they did when the lovely Sister Mary Therese tried to tutor me in Algebra.  (Rumors that I "spoiled" her are unfounded!)

In other hot NBA action today:

Smush Parker just took an ill-advised three against the Suns.  Phoenix leads Lakers in the series 2-1, soon to be 3-1. UPDATE: Suns win, 113-100. 23 assists is a lot.

Toronto prepares to even the series against New Jersey later today by employing some vigorous cross-checking.  UPDATE: Leafs Raptors lose, 102-81.  Their Power Play was invisible.

Baron Davis' enchanted beard will try to lead the Warriors to a 3-1 advantage over the highly-favored Mavericks tonight.  UPDATE: Warriors upset Mavs, 103-99.  This game was so enthralling, I could barely look at pics of Jessica Alba.

Finally, can't ABC just show the burlesque skills of the lovely Pussycat Dolls until the fourth quarters of these games? -KD  

These lovely ladies participating in the six-way match (That's a threesome times two – very nice!) are wrestlers from SHIMMER and ROH.  Enjoy! 

There's nothing better on a Sunday afternoon than watching attractive females fake beating each other.  I could watch this over and over again . . . and I have.  I'll see my fellow Chicagoans at the upcoming SHIMMER matches in Berwyn.  I'll be the tall, pale gentlemen in the trench coat wincing with pleasure.  (Chi-towners who are fans of the Son of Svengoolie, say it with me: BER-wyn.) 

Ivan Basso is an Italian cyclist who rides for the Discovery Channel team.  Well, maybe not:

Basso was suspended by his Discovery Channel team on Tuesday after the reopening of the investigation into his implication in Operacion Puerto, a Spanish police probe into blood doping by a group of doctors in Madrid.

Exciting stuff, huh?  I can't believe a sport as pure as cycling could be subject to the same heinous acts as other sports.  Also, is there any way to dope your blood to remove the evils of a Saturday night of binge drinking?  I should have never dumped that EMT because she would administer Saline IVs in such cases.  Any way, here's the funny part of the story:

"However, I feel really frustrated. If these latest events had emerged in December or January, everything would have been clarified and closed now, for good or bad."Instead, new documents have suddenly arrived two weeks before the start of the race (the Giro d'Italia). First they let me train like a donkey and then say 'Sorry, please stop and explain'. That's a time-bomb form of justice."

A "time-bomb form of justice"?  Is that like the time I discovered I was blessed with gonorrhea by my ex six months after her credit cards were no longer useful?  What kind of road bike training entails working like a donkey?  The question we really need to ask is where did Mr. Basso learn his English similes and metaphors?  He  truly is a poet.  Lance Armstrong suspended him from the team, although Lance is supporting the Floydster's fight against Chatenay-Malabry lab.  Perhaps Armstrong shares the Chief's view about our swarthy friends from the boot country. -KD

St. Louis Cardinal relief pitcher Josh Hancock was killed in an auto accident last night:

Hancock was traveling westbound on highway 64/40 within the St. Louis city limits when the accident occurred. It is unknown if another vehicle was involved.  Hancock, who was single, pitched for six seasons, going 9-7 with a 4.20 ERA and one save in 102 games between the Cardinals, Cincinnati, Philadelphia and Boston.

The rest of the Cardinal pitching staff was heard to state, "We don't want to play the Cubs anymore.  First, Darryl Kile and now this.  Nope, you can keep your Cubs games.  We're perfectly happy to pitch against any of the fourteen other NL squads, but we're not putting our lives on the line.  Let Oquendo out of the third base coaching box to pitch against them." 

Due to the tragic incident, the finale of a weekend series between the Cardinals and Chicago Cubs set for Sunday evening was postponed.

Nooo!  Why did I tell my girlfriend that I would take her to see In the Land of Women only if Sunday Night Baseball was canceled?  I think Murphy's Law effects Shanty Irishman more harshly than other people.  Seriously, my condolences to Josh Hancock's family and the Cardinals – he was only 29.  -KD

Dart Champion John Lowe, that is.  One hundred and eighty!!

I could have done that, but I didn't want to.  The great thing about Darts is that it is impossible to date this competition because the hairstyles associated with the sport have maintained their same classic look through the decades.  Also, you can drink while you play it. -KD

I was waiting to write my first post of the day until Brady Quinn was drafted in the First Round of today's NFL Draft, but at this rate, I wouldn't be composing the verbal ambrosia you've come to expect until late tomorrow afternoon.  By that time, Dreamboat Junior would've have bludgeoned his blonde girlfriend (though who could tell – seriously, Mr. Quinn, even if you're drafted in the Fifth Round by the Calgary Stampeders, you can do much better) and have the ash of a carton of cigarettes on his pretty-boy vest.  It was so hard for Mel Kiper Jr. to hide his man-love for Brady when the Miami Dolphins selected Ted Ginn Jr. instead.  (Wow, that's a lot of Juniors.  Have we as a nation depleted our vast supply of first names?)

Now the pundits are talking about some teams trading up to acquire the passed-over Quinn.  That's just crazy enough to work.  Could the Bears GM, Jerry Angelo, be planning this scheme to challenge his Sex Cannon?  Either way, I believe I have been over-served by my lovely draft hostess . . . oh, wait that's a lamp.  Still, there's nothing better than spending a beautiful Spring day in a dark, dank basement watching zealous football fanatics boo the best college football has to offer.  Don't fret Mr. Quinn, I was once a victim of "No Irish Need Apply" as well, and look how far I have come. -KD