"Ask Ron Artest" is a new advice column from Dime Magazine. Finally.
Ron, I’m thinking about popping the question to my girl. How should I do it? – Calvin
First you gotta have sex one last time, you know, and tell her you love her. You should probably take her out to a simple dinner, nothing too crazy. Keep it simple, because a lady is looking for the little things. If she wants to be with you forever, she’ll like that.Ron-Ron, what’s your favorite quote? – Kevin
Ooh! Ooh! I'll be it's something by Thomas Paine, like "The world is my country, all mankind are my brethren, and to do good is my religion." Or maybe "Moderation in temper is always a virtue, but moderation in principle is always a vice."
My favorite quote is “I’ma smack the [expletive] out of you.”
Oh. Who said that? Dorothy Parker?
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Ooh, Ron! If you were any dumber, would they make you wear a helmet? -Tattooed
” Dear Ron,
Who do you agree more with, Socrates or Descartes?”
I belive it was the great poet Adam PacMan Jones.
Dear Ron,
I have 2 dogs, a dalmation and a bit bull. What is the better of the two dogs foods in your opinion, Alpo or Pedigree?
Thanks Ron, Dan-O in CA
Dan-O,
What’s this thing you call dog food?
Ron-Ron
Ron-Ron
If I’m playing a sport in an organized league with rules and regulations and during an on-field altercation an over-zealous spectator happens to toss a beverage cup that hits me, should I let security handle the situation or act like a total and utterly classless person, jump into the crowd and “smack the [expletive] out of them” ?
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I’m so proud of Ron. He’s come a long way since I was teaching him sign language back at the lab.
I suppose giving a deranged sociopath an advice column seemed like a good idea at the time. At least his answers will be a lot more violent and ridiculous then your average boring advice columns.
“First you gotta have sex one last time…”? What?
What question did he think the guy wanted to ask? “Do you mind that I fucked your sister?”
You’re clearly not married, Otto Man. Yes, you do need to have sex one last time.
Actually, Mrs. Man is real and a tiger in the bedroom. T-i-g, E-R!