03.30.07 POWER RANKINGS: CELERY AND SCARLETT
Is there anything worse in the sports media than completely senseless weekly power rankings? Well, yes: Billy Packer. And also people who actually have some kind of emotional investment in power rankings.
Do you care about other people's power rankings? If you answered yes, then you are a dipshit. If not, then these are the power rankings for you.
1. Scarlett.
2. Australian Rules Football. The West Coast Eagles focus on the true fundamentals of professional football: crystal meth, vomit asphyxiation, horse tranquilizers, and beating up cabbies.
3. Venezuelan prisons. Now with sadistic MLB pitchers!
4. Tony Kornheiser. He's probably the one who got Joe Theismann axed. And for that, I shall be eternally grateful. Talk all you want about your fantasy team, Tony.
5. Celery. In Britain it's a useful tool in helping a woman attain climax. Good to know.
6. Sasha Cohen. She's bendy. And when she hangs out with Maria Menounos I get hungry for a sandwich. And by sandwich I mean furburgers.
7. Vince Young. He helped crown the new Miss USA. I requested high-res pics of her in a bikini, and the new Miss USA. I requested high-res pics of her in a bikini, and here they are. Thanks to Justin for coming through with those. I heard he did two chicks at the same time.
8. Keychains that have bottle openers on them. Fuckin love those things.
9. West Virginia. Spurred on by a commenter, I very much want a "Wet Vagina is for lovers" tee shirt. Unless Urban Outfitters makes it. Their tee shirts are for assholes.
11. Me. I spent the last two days writing for this site and over at WWTDD. Has Will Leitch ever pulled double duty by writing for Defamer? I fucking think not, my friends.
12. Assistant editors. They're pretty good about helping out. And you can pay 'em in hooch. Or cooch, but hooch is cheaper.
13. Ankle injuries. Banner week for them here, between Jorge Garbajosa and this poor bastard idiot.
14. Sports Illustrated. Yeah, they swiped a quote from me, but it wasn't malicious. Check out my letter in their upcoming April 9th issue.
15. Gambling. Here's an awesome gambling ring story I meant to get around to.
![[image]](http://cdn.wl.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2009/11/megan-fox-nyt-out-11.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.wl.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2009/11/amanda_harrington-135x135.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.wl.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2009/10/mermaid-135x135.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.wl.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2009/10/isla-fisher1-115x115.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.wl.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2009/10/kate-beckinsale-115x115.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.wl.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2009/10/rio-115x115.jpg)
There are 10 comments about:
POWER RANKINGS: CELERY AND SCARLETT
I loved your work over on WWTDD. You were totally a step up from getting my trashy celeb news from Perez Hilton.
The new Miss USA is for Lovers. Toe lovers, that is. I think her talent was hotness.
Mr. Ufford, we salute you. Who knew you could talk smack about both pro athletes and movie stars!
Oh, I know you didn’t steal that bendy line from my comments, did you?
Wow, SJ looks a lot like Naomi Watts in that pic. Beautiful.
God, what I would do to Scarlett. Look at her curves–yum.
I’m surprised Jessica Beil didn’t make the rankings after your solid post over on WWTDD.
Next move for Al Davis, to hire Andy Reid’s son as general manager. Who knows crime and drugs better than this guy?
Yeah, that was nice work over on WWTDD, Ufford.
Kornheiser rules. I do wish he’d give up MNF and stick to radio full time. His demographics (aka ME, can’t stand all the NFL commercials just to hear his occasional nuggets of humor).
BTW, since no one else has mentioned it: they took away the Garbajosa clip. It’s been a few days. It sucks cuz that shit was sick.
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