Argentinian soccer star Diego Maradona has some health problems:

One of the most enduring sports icons in the world, retired soccer star Diego Maradona, remained sedated in a Buenos Aires clinic Thursday for treatment of alcoholism and excessive eating and smoking.  Maradona, who led Argentina to the 1986 World Cup title in Mexico, was taken by ambulance to the Guemes Sanatorium on Wednesday.  Clinic director Hector Pezzella said the 47-year-old was under sedation to avoid problems with withdrawal from alcohol.

Um, why would you want to withdraw from alcohol?  Maybe Diego just has a big personality, and other people can't handle it.  Perhaps he becomes so effervescent when he's had a few drinks, that jealous types, who want to be the center of attention, said he had a problem.  Man, this is like the intervention all over again.

The former soccer star has battled cocaine addiction and obesity in the past.  Maradona was hospitalized in Uruguay in 2000 and again in 2004 in Buenos Aires.  He was counselled for drug abuse in Argentina in 2004 and, in September of that year, travelled to Cuba for treatment at Havana's Center for Mental Health.

Ok, I know what you're thinking, maybe this guy has some substance issues, but, next to Pelé, he is the greatest soccer player South America ever produced.  So, according to sports fanatic standards, this guy is going to get as many free passes as he needs.  I only wish assistant editors received the same treatment.  Senor Maradona will always hold a special place in my household because he humiliated England on the World Cup Stage after the Falklands War.  The enemy of my enemy is my friend, and you can see his two great goals here and here. -KD 

Buccaneers running back Lionel Gates (who?) was arrested and put in jail for punching a pregnant woman in the face (what?!) and pushing her into a wall.

Gates kicked in the front door of Peggie Lavender's apartment Thursday night, destroyed two televisions and two doors, put a hole in the bedroom wall and assaulted her, a Hillsborough County Sheriff's Office report said. He was arrested later at his apartment in the same complex.

Gates was charged with burglary of a dwelling, aggravated battery of a pregnant woman and criminal mischief.

Holy crap this guy is the Incredible Hulk. This is terrific news for the Bucs. I mean, if he doesn't go to jail during the season. They've got themselves a real hard-nose player with a mean streak. 

Meanwhile, Tom Brady saw this story and said "Hmmm… punching a pregnant woman, eh? Note to self…" 

NOTE: It's pretty hard to find pictures of pregnant women getting punched. 289 photoshop is forthcoming. 289's got other stuff going on. Bummer.

Carl Pavano, the Opening Day pitcher for the Yankees (who have paid him $20 million to not pitch over the last two seasons), got dumped by Gia Allemand, the student / model to whom I previously called your attention. And it's apparently because the epically injured hurler previously called your attention. And it's apparently because the epically injured hurler wasn't getting the variety he wanted (or so she claims).

"I stood by him and didn't work so I could help him out, and he cheats on me. Nice, right?" …Obviously hurting, Allemand described their relationship as being "as bad as Carl's pitching!"

The 23-year-old Allemand's next move is to pose for the men's magazine Maxim in a jaw-dropping pictorial.

Bada bing bang boom. Desiree, cancel all my appointments and hold my calls. I'm gonna be busy with this issue of Maxim for a while.

What? It's not out yet? Oh, fine. I'll just go to her website. What can I say? I dig her musical selection.

The FanHouse, which apparently has bloggers who actually watched the NIT, noticed that West Virginia celebrated its championship game victory last night in a uniquely West Virginian way: by wearing NIT championship t-shirts with their state's name misspelled. However, the blame goes to 6thManSportswear.com, not the institution that produced outstanding sports citizens like Pacman Jones and Chris Henry. They posted an apology (since removed):

***PLEASE NOTE: In our rush to put up a graphic immediately after the closing buzzer, we inadvertently used in incorrect image. We apologize for the error. The correct Championship Tee Shirts will ship, not the "misspelled" shirt! Thank You!

Also, in their rush to get an apology up, they failed to catch the difference between "in" and "an." Man, these guys are awesome at copy editing. I can see why they're working for the tournament that determines the 66th best team in college. Maybe they do tattoos. I've been wanting some new ink. I'm thinking about something half-assed and crappy.

HICK-Y UPDATE: NBX sends in this action shot of the tee-shirt not being read.

This is a clip from a 1992 episode of "Americana," a British show that looks into different aspects of American culture. It is eight and a half minutes of non-stop brilliance. The mascot school feature at about 2:30 is so preposterously like a Monty Python skit that I have a hard time believing it's real. Enjoy.

(Thanks to reader Gen, who should get more credit for helping out around here. And for having a big rack.) 

LeBron and the Cavs lost to the Knicks Wednesday night, but that hardly seems interesting when the big story is Bron-Bron going to Scores afterwards.

The Cleveland Cavalier forward brought 15 pals to the mammary Mecca, where he had the champagne flowing and a stunning squad of strippers doing table dances for three solid hours. "He tipped in cash and was very generous," said blond knockout Lindsay, who jiggled her 34C-23-24 bod in front of the appreciative group. James and Co. finally called it a night at 4 a.m.

I appreciate Page Six putting Lindsay's name in bold, so that people who scan the page for famous names see Lindsay and go, "Wow, Lindsay. Good to see her name in the paper. She does phenomenal work." No but seriously she does phenomenal work. I should give her a call, actually. But the tracking device I implanted in neck says that she's still asleep, so I'll just make a note to get around to it later.

I also appreciate the term "mammary Mecca." I guess now I should make a pilgrimage there once before I die. Or three times next week, whichever comes first.

Ummm… was this story supposed to be about sports? I kind of got distracted. And where are my pants? 

(Image courtesy the stupendous YAY Sports! NBA.)