Guard Kris Dielman re-signed with the Chargers this weekend after realizing his most avid suitors were headquartered in a dystopian hell.

The rain-vs.-sun dichotomy was re-emphasized over the weekend when the free-agent guard left Seattle in the middle of his soggy visit with the Seahawks and returned to San Diego after agreeing to re-sign with the Chargers.

The Saturday-morning conversation with his agent, Mike McCartney, came with this statement that is destined for free-agent infamy: "I told him, 'Get me out of here, man. Get me home, back to sunny San Diego.' "

Whew. What a hard-nosed monster of a football player. And smart, too. Who knew it rained in Seattle?

Dielman also panned Chicago as "too cold," Arizona as "too hot," Miami as "too humid," New York as "too city-y," San Francisco as "too hilly… and gay," Cincinnati as "too lawless," Cleveland as "too much the shittiest place I've ever seen," and New Orleans as "too black."