03.19.07 DAVID WELLS DEVELOPED DIABETES
Few people know that old fat drunkard David Wells is actually still a pitcher in the major leagues. Wells, who went on the DL last year with a case of gout ("the disease of kings"), has now been with a case of gout ("the disease of kings"), has now been diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes, and must now give up his one true love, drinking. I know, I know: weird, right? Who would expect a chronically overweight drunkard to develop diabtetes?
“This is a major lifestyle change. I don't want this going to Type 1 diabetes. I want to be around for a while. If you don't take care of this, it can lead to some scary stuff… like losing limbs. If anyone has this, it's a red flag, period…
Losing limbs wouldn't be so bad for Wells. He could get that hollow leg he's always wanted.
"I'm dying right now… I need some food in me. I'm eating like a rabbit… salads, fish, chicken.”
Wait, rabbits are eating fish and chicken now? Has Wells been hanging out at the cave at Caerbannon? Because I'm really not ready to live in a world where rabbits are predators. Those visions are reserved for my nightmares, co-starring Dick Vitale, the 18th Amendment, and clowns riding horses.
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There are 10 comments about:
DAVID WELLS DEVELOPED DIABETES
In other news, if you shoot yourself in the face, you die.
Richard Jeni never got that report.
Too soon?
Because I’m really not ready to live in a world where rabbits are predators.
Fear not. A hand grenade and Brother Maynard can protect you.
Why can’t he be more like Bunnicula?
You can thank women for the end of prohibition. They gave ladies the right to vote, and soon enough every official said, “Fuck, I could use a drink”.
He’s got… HUGE.. pointy teeth!!!
given wells’ elmer fuddsian propensity for hunting, i think the sentence is merely missing a comma: “i’m eating, like, a rabbit.”
“But I’m 6-foot-4 and 250 pounds.”
That fat fuck hasn’t seen 250 since he swallowed a bat boy who had the misfortune of grabbing the last piece of pie before Boomer could get his hands on it.
he should look into getting robot legs - it’s risky, but worth it.
My favorite line: “I don’t want this going to Type 1 diabetes.”
Somebody needs to tell him that Type II does not mean that it is less dangerous, just a different disease (which is actually worse) and can’t transform into Type I at any point. Type I diabetes are the kind that little kids are born with, Type II is the type fatass drunks gets
Fuck David Wells. Fuck him in his ear. I’ll never like him again after the way he acted like a little bitch in 2001 when my White Sox traded for him. He feigned like he was finished all year long, and then left and pitched another 6 years. All he did for the Sox was start problems in the clubhouse and pitch like shit against the Cubs. Fuck him.
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