Rick Majerus may be the next coach of the Iowa Hawkeyes basketball squad if you believe the Mason City Globe-Gazette.  But if you're more of a Cedar Rapids Gazette kind of person, Majerus reportedly denied any interest in the position:

Asked in a phone interview if there were any discussions involving him as Iowa's next coach, Majerus said, “No, no.''  Told there were rumors and reports flying around Iowa that he is replacing Steve Alford as the Hawkeyes' coach, Majerus replied, “No.''  Asked if he had any interest in becoming Iowa's next coach, Majerus said, “What part of no don't you understand?''

Whoa, easy big fella.  Since Majerus is not Nick Saban or Larry Brown, I would tend to believe the rotund coach.  Also, he hails from Sheboygan, WI, and those people usually mean what they say.  Like the time those damn Packer fans told me to to cease impugning Brett Favre's character or they would kick my ass.  I still think "pain-pill popping pussy" is an alliteration worth ten hours in the ER.  (For more on the Iowa coaching search, see Steroid Nation.)

In other Big Ten hoops news, Michigan is very interested in West Virginia's John Beilein.  Expect to see more tattooed white guys who shoot 28 three-pointers a game in Ann Arbor. -KD

Assistant Editor note: This is the best Iowa or Michigan cheerleader picture I could find, so if you have anything better, send it along.  If you truly need need to satisfy your need for hot Big Ten action, check out the M Zone where Wolverines gain a new-found respect for Ohio State.  Study hard ladies! 

"Whoo, I'm tired.  I really am enjoying the inspired play of my Fightin' Phils, but I think that seventeenth beer was a bad idea.  Maybe I'll just go take a quick nap in my comfortable Audi for the bottom half of the fourth inning."

Um, I'm no Smokey Yunink, but I think that's bad for your automobile.   This wonderful incident also exemplifies the marked difference between professionals and amateurs.  Think about how much more athleticism and skill Tony LaRussa displayed by selecting the brake instead of the accelerator.  And he was in drive!  This guy really has some long hours of practice ahead of him before he reaches that level.  I like how they focussed on this drunkard's face at the end.  Hold on, is that Brett Myers?  Run away, run away! -KD

Paul Daugherty of the Cincinnati Enquirer reports some sad news in the world of Little League:

The Knothole Club of Greater Cincinnati has decided to eliminate "chatter." Unless the chatter is "positive" and directed at your own team. You can't say "We want a pitcher, not an underwear stitcher!" unless, maybe, you grew up in a culture that idolizes underwear stitchers. Standings for the Feelgood Division of the Self Esteem League will be available any time now.

What's next?  Are we going to stop keeping score?  No more post-game trips to Dairy Queen because the snack now has to be healthy?  No more referring to your teammates by endearing ethnic slurs?  No more dugout scuttlebutt about how the second baseman's mom is a total MILF?  For the love of God Knotholers, let the boys be boys.

"We didn't want Knothole to get a bad name for anything," Knothole president Dave Epplen explained. "If you're saying, 'Swing, batter,' and this poor little kid is swinging at everything, he feels bad and maybe he turns to the catcher and gets mad. Honest to gosh, I didn't have any trouble doing this."

Honest to gosh Mr. Epplen, I think you were that poor little kid swinging at everything.  Just because you couldn't hit the broad side of a barn with a fly-swatter, don't take away the last vestiges of adolescent hazing we have in this country.  If we don't create a clear demarcation for when adulthood begins, we could have people playing dodgeball, kickball and eating at breakfast cereal restaurants well into their 30s.  Oh wait . . . -KD  

(Much respect to SPORTSbyBROOKS.)

What to watch for in this weekend's biggest match-ups. Home team in ALL CAPS. All times Eastern.

GOING TO ATLANTA over Watching the Games at Home — Yup, my overlords can be kindly masters.

BULLS over Cavs (Saturday, 3:00, ESPN) — And now the Cavs will win. You're welcome, LeBron. You can pay me back by buying me a lap dance.

REGULAR SEASON over Spring Training (Sunday, 8:05, ESPN 2) — Finally, a meaningful game when the Cardinals host the Mets.  Only five more months until this gets exciting.

Georgetown over OHIO STATE (Saturday, 6:07, CBS) — There's a vast Catholic conspiracy here, and Greg Oden won't be able to stop it. (Note: this is the AsstEd's pick. I'm not about to jinx my picks.)

Mavericks over SUNS (Sunday, 3:30, ABC) –  The last Showdown of the Year before the Western Conference Finals. Note: If the Spurs bump off either of these two teams I will break Tony Parker's stupid French legs. Ass.

Super Frankie Lampard over WATFORD — The Chelsea star will face the cellar-dwellers wearing a cast on his broken wrist. Premiership games I care about this weekend: Arsenal @ Liverpool, Portsmouth @ Fulham USA. This concludes your soccer coverage. With Leather regrets bringing it up.

THAI over Chinese — This applies to both the food and the hookers. Naturally, I've only tried the food. Well, that's a lie. I'm afraid Thai might give me indigestion.

…and I'm spent. Have fun with Kevin at the helm this weekend. Drunk at the helm, naturally. Who doesn't drink when they go boating? And by boating I mean motorboating. Or watersports. Ah hell I don't know. I'm gonna go drink a beer.

Is there anything worse in the sports media than completely senseless weekly power rankings? Well, yes: Billy Packer. And also people who actually have some kind of emotional investment in power rankings.

Do you care about other people's power rankings? If you answered yes, then you are a dipshit. If not, then these are the power rankings for you.

1. Scarlett.  

2. Australian Rules Football.  The West Coast Eagles focus on the true fundamentals of professional football: crystal meth, vomit asphyxiation, horse tranquilizers, and beating up cabbies.

3. Venezuelan prisons. Now with sadistic MLB pitchers!

4. Tony Kornheiser. He's probably the one who got Joe Theismann axed. And for that, I shall be eternally grateful. Talk all you want about your fantasy team, Tony.

5. Celery. In Britain it's a useful tool in helping a woman attain climax. Good to know.

6. Sasha Cohen. She's bendy. And when she hangs out with Maria Menounos I get hungry for a sandwich. And by sandwich I mean furburgers.

7. Vince Young. He helped crown the new Miss USA. I requested high-res pics of her in a bikini, and the new Miss USA. I requested high-res pics of her in a bikini, and here they are. Thanks to Justin for coming through with those. I heard he did two chicks at the same time.

8. Keychains that have bottle openers on them. Fuckin love those things.

9. West Virginia. Spurred on by a commenter, I very much want a "Wet Vagina is for lovers" tee shirt. Unless Urban Outfitters makes it. Their tee shirts are for assholes.

10. High-speed car bowling.

11. Me. I spent the last two days writing for this site and over at WWTDD. Has Will Leitch ever pulled double duty by writing for Defamer? I fucking think not, my friends.

12. Assistant editors. They're pretty good about helping out. And you can pay 'em in hooch. Or cooch, but hooch is cheaper.

13. Ankle injuries. Banner week for them here, between Jorge Garbajosa and this poor bastard idiot. 

14. Sports Illustrated. Yeah, they swiped a quote from me, but it wasn't malicious. Check out my letter in their upcoming April 9th issue.

15. Gambling. Here's an awesome gambling ring story I meant to get around to.

A huge brawl that left a man dead has led to Greece halting all team sports in the country for the next two weeks. What sexy sport incited the violence? Women's volleyball.

Witnesses say about 300 fans fought using clubs, knives and stones. Police detained 18 people during the violence, which Greek media reports suggested had been arranged by fans ahead of the match. The 25-year-old man who died had head injuries and stab wounds, doctors said…

"We had warned that this game was dangerous," the head of Greece's volleyball federation, Thanassis Beligratis, was quoted… as saying.

Oh, that's just like Thanassis to be there with an "I told you so." What a dick. Nobody likes Thinasses.

You can't blame the fans, though. If someone told me I was going to a women's volleyball match, and it turned out to be the kind of volleyball on a hardcourt instead of beach volleyball, you can bet your sweet A I'd cave someone's skull in.