Is there anything worse in the sports media than completely senseless weekly power rankings? Well, yes: getting newspaper ink on your fingers. And also people who actually have some kind of emotional investment in power rankings.

Do you care about other people's power rankings? If you answered yes, then you are a dipshit. If not, then these are the power rankings for you.

1. ScarJo. If you haven't seen the full nine-minute version of Justin Timberlake's "What Goes Round Comes Around," starring Miss #1, it's time you corrected that.

2. Norv Turner. I wish I could be that bad at what I do and still get work. I have to piss excellence every week. 

3. Flip-flops. I can't wait until summer.

4. Aqua Velva. If it's good enough for Pete Rose…

5. Cheerleaders. They're finally getting their Hall of Fame.

6. Ray Emery. Such a badass.

7. Indianapolis Colts. Not only did Dominic Rhodes piss his pants during a DUI arrest, but Dallas Clark got ejected from a girls high school basketball game. Good way to follow up a Super Bowl.

8. Virginia Tech. Because I like dunking.

9. Milwaukee's Best Light. Beer: it's not just for shooting out of cannons any more.

10. The letter 'H'. Doesn't make the headlines, but it's efficient. We really couldn't get by without it.

Short list this week due to the holiday- and flu-shortened week. Whatever. Don't pretend you're disappointed.