Diamond Jim, an English springer spaniel owned by people in Virginia who haven't lived with their dog in two years, won best in show at the Westminster Kennel Club.

Dressed in a glittering copper top that perfectly matched her brown-and-white pet, [handler Kellie] Fitzgerald cuddled the 6-year-old certified therapy dog.

"I'm over the moon," she said.

What year is this? 1940? She then added, "Ohhhhh doctor! The world hasn't seen a dog this determined since Marine Devil Dogs earned their moniker at Belleau Wood in the Great War. I do declare, this canine is the bee's knees."

Goddammit this is boring. How the fuck is this a story on ESPN? Somebody tell me the only reason this got a story is because of Disney corporate synergy. That's the only excuse I can think of for them. Now, my excuse for writing about it is way better: I'm totally mailing it in.