Now see, THIS is a cheerleading story:

The pictures posted on MySpace.com looked like the latest installment of "Girls Gone Wild." In them, cheerleaders from McKinney North High School in Texas exhibited all variety of bawdy behavior. One shot showed a bikini-clad girl sharing a bottle of booze with a friend. Another featured a cheerleader and several other girls in risqué poses offering glimpses of their panties. But the most infamous photo of all was taken in a Condoms To Go store. Five smiling cheerleaders dressed in uniform posed with large candles shaped like penises. At least one of them appeared to be simulating fellatio…

[T]he group of cheerleaders, known as the "Fab Five," were out of control—an elite social clique… [whose] alleged ringleader was the daughter of McKinney North's principal, Linda Theret. Amid charges that Theret gave the girls preferential treatment, the school district launched a $40,000 investigation conducted by Jones in the fall [resulting in a 70-page report]…

When one teacher told a squad member to quit chatting on her cell phone in class, the girl replied, "Shut up, I'm talking to my Mom."… The girls were apparently just as ornery in their cheerleading activities, leading five coaches to quit in the last three years.

Bada bing. Clearly there's only one way to punish such naughty cheerleader behavior: handcuffs.

But let's get to the heart of the matter: Get me those fucking pictures. I've been on YouTube, I've been on Google, I've been on MySpace… and all those little F'ers have their profiles set to "private." About the only thing I learned is that the queen bee of the Fab Five is named [redacted]. I'm exhausted from all the sleuthing. C'mon, people… help me help you.

UNSEXY UPDATE: Ex-principal Linda Theret sent me a not exactly pleasant email telling me to take down the pictures — something about me not having permission to exploit minors — and I'm just not really in the mood to get sued… so you're on your own to find photos of minors. Good times.