01.30.07 LANCE ARMSTRONG IS DATING A RICH MILF

If you're a sports fan, you probably don't know who Tory Burch is (pictured here with a gay man; more photos here). She's an obscenely wealthy socialite originally from Philly, and she designs ugly clothes for moms who think they're fashionable. She's also — according to the never-wrong gossip pages — dating Lance Armstrong.

The champion bicyclist and socialite designer were quite cozy at a birthday party in L.A. over the weekend, says our spy. Word is Armstrong liked what he read about Tory in a recent Vanity Fair profile of her and ex Chris Burch. Armstrong, who won the Tour de France seven times, supposedly told a pal: "She came off as intelligent and successful," and arranged to meet her.

Not exactly a huge story, except for two points: First, Tory Burch has six children. SIX. And she looks like that. Her uterus must have magical powers, like turning lead into gold, or making the Knicks good.

Second, while I'd ordinarily take the opportunity to make a one-testicle joke here, I actually want to express some manner of congratulations to this prospective couple, because Chris Burch is a HUGE cockgobbler. A former associate of mine worked with Burch's label, of which Chris Burke Burch (Freudian slip there!) was CEO. He managed to do everything from call female employees fat to refer to his wife as an "asset." So I guess that's proof that having one ball is better than being a humongous dick.

Huh. I guess there's always room for single-testicle jokes.