Michigan's football team has set the bar high in the Beef Bowl, the annual eat-off between teams paired off in the Rose Bowl. Yesterday the Wolverines downed more than a quarter-ton of slow-cooked prime rib.

Michigan gorged itself on 612 pounds of meat, roughly 100 pounds more than the team devoured two years ago. In fact, teams average somewhere in the high 400s to low 500s.

Lest anyone think the Beef Bowl is just another silly night of California decadence, we happily point out this: Teams that eat the most prime rib win the Rose Bowl 70% of the time.

Ah, I see. And here I was thinking touchdowns during the game were what affected the outcome. Say what you will about the Midwest, but those boys know two things: beer and meat. And football. So, three.

Anyway, USC gets its chance tonight, and you know those southern California pussies are gonna lose. "No thanks, I had sushi earlier." "This much meat is terrible for my complexion." "Aw jeez, I just had my colon flushed last week."

Why the photo of Love Brigade's Alyssa Key? Well, the story's about prime rib. Connect the dots, dumbass.