Is there anything worse in the sports media than completely senseless weekly power rankings? Well, yes: Joe Buck's smug, self-satisfied brand of smarm. And also people who actually have some kind of emotional investment in power rankings.

Do you care about other people's power rankings? If you answered yes, then you are a dipshit. If not, then these are the power rankings for you.

1. Scarlett Johansson. She's back. I think we all missed her.

2. Your mom. Ohhhhh!!!

3. Allen Iverson. The Nuggets are totally my new favorite team. But that's just because I'm from the skreets.

4. Shitty bowl games. Because your 7-5 team matters.

5. Sweet fucking YouTube videos. I found two in two days that make me very pleased with myself: free running and NBA Hanukkah wishes.

6. Public transportation on New Year's Eve. No drunk drivers in the subway. At least I hope not.

7. "Fatty beej." I'm starting a crusade to bring this term back. And I'm gonna start by going out and getting a fatty beej.

8. San Francisco Giants. They make outstanding financial decisions. 

9. Gift cards. So much better than a shirt I'll never wear.

10. Some NHL team. Who's good this week? The Ducks? Whatever.

11. New York Giants. Just kidding. They suck hilariously. And I say that as a Seahawks fan.

12. Hooters Best Damn Dream Girls. A nice way to spend a couple minutes looking at pictures. I'm partial to Anna Burns, though Michelle Nunes is now slouch, either.

13. Champ Bailey. Hey, another DPOY candidate hates Shawne Merriman for cheating and being good!

14. A.J. Daulerio running Deadspin. It looks like Deadspin, but it's demented like With Leather. Well done, sir.

15. Not making plans for New Year's. Crashing parties where you don't know anybody and drinking their champagne… that's how I ring in every year.