12.16.06 POWER RANKINGS, 12/15/06

Is there anything worse in the sports media than completely senseless weekly power rankings? Well, yes: Dick Vitale. And also people who actually have some kind of emotional investment in power rankings.

Do you care about other people's power rankings? If you answered yes, then you are a dipshit. If not, then these are the power rankings for you.

1. Scarlett Johansson. I saw Josh Hartnett sitting outside the Mercer Hotel in SoHo on Tuesday. He was smoking a cigarette and talking to an albino-looking hipsterish dude. I had no idea what to do. Should I kick his ass? Should I run around the Mercer looking for Scarlett? I felt so close to her, yet impossibly far. That relationship with Hartnett needs to end.

2. The Chargers' Michael Turner. That chump LaDainian Tomlinson is holding him back.

3. Hot booze drinks. Fucking delicious.

4. Cale Yarborough. American Badass. 

5. Tom Brady. Dreamboat is newly single… and loving it. 

6. Cincinnati Bengals. No one can stop them. Not the law, and certainly not an excessively foggy Christmas. 

Peep the rest after the jump.

7. Phoenix Suns. They've won a lot of games in a row now. 

8. Sidney Crosby. I understand he's been doing well at that icy sport.

9. Tank Johnson. Funny: Police raiding your house and finding illegal cache of weapons. Unfunny: your bouncer getting fatally shot in a night club.

10. Philadelphia 76ers. Someone needs to give them some love.

11. Texas. But only if they let blind people hunt.

12. End of the year retrospectives. Like this one.

13. Boston Red Sox. Thank God they landed Dice-K. You may now look forward to constant Yoko Matsugane pictures.

14. Sex breaks during finals. The best stress relief there is.

15. Cartoons endorsing cigarettes: