What to watch for in this weekend's biggest match-ups. Home team in ALL CAPS.

Navy over BOSTON COLLEGE — Ah, the Meineke Car Care Bowl. A true classic. I don't think the Eagles will have an answer for long-range Tomahawk missiles fired from Seawolf-class subs parked off the coast.

CHAMPAGNE over Beer — I'm one of a handful of people on Earth who doesn't get hung over from champagne. I think that qualifies me for a role on "Heroes." 

Toronto over MEMPHIS — Saturday night. A requiem for Mike Fratello. 

CHARGERS over Cardinals — I make only the most daring picks.

The Blogospehere over PATRICK HRUBY AT PAGE 2 — Read Hruby's year-end police blotter power rankings, his year in review, and the Sports 'n Drugs Quiz. Once you're done not laughing, tell me why ESPN.com hasn't hired someone (funny) to actually blog the way Deadspin, The Big Lead, and Yours Truly do. Answer: because they're dumb.

Texas over IOWA — Iowa went 2-6 in the Big Ten this year. Why the FUCK are they in a bowl game?

Ass over TITS — I just wanted to go on the record on this one. I get mislabeled as a breast man because of my photo selections here, but that's really just because it's easier to keep the boobies in the picture when I crop a photo. HOWEVER: in a perfect world, this isn't an either/or scenario.

Phew. Tough two-day week for me. I'm gonna need this three-day weekend to recover. But I'll be back on Tuesday. Will there be pictures of hot chicks only obliquely related to the stories I cover? My prediction: And how.

Is there anything worse in the sports media than completely senseless weekly power rankings? Well, yes: Joe Buck's smug, self-satisfied brand of smarm. And also people who actually have some kind of emotional investment in power rankings.

Do you care about other people's power rankings? If you answered yes, then you are a dipshit. If not, then these are the power rankings for you.

1. Scarlett Johansson. She's back. I think we all missed her.

2. Your mom. Ohhhhh!!!

3. Allen Iverson. The Nuggets are totally my new favorite team. But that's just because I'm from the skreets.

4. Shitty bowl games. Because your 7-5 team matters.

5. Sweet fucking YouTube videos. I found two in two days that make me very pleased with myself: free running and NBA Hanukkah wishes.

6. Public transportation on New Year's Eve. No drunk drivers in the subway. At least I hope not.

7. "Fatty beej." I'm starting a crusade to bring this term back. And I'm gonna start by going out and getting a fatty beej.

8. San Francisco Giants. They make outstanding financial decisions. 

9. Gift cards. So much better than a shirt I'll never wear.

10. Some NHL team. Who's good this week? The Ducks? Whatever.

11. New York Giants. Just kidding. They suck hilariously. And I say that as a Seahawks fan.

12. Hooters Best Damn Dream Girls. A nice way to spend a couple minutes looking at pictures. I'm partial to Anna Burns, though Michelle Nunes is now slouch, either.

13. Champ Bailey. Hey, another DPOY candidate hates Shawne Merriman for cheating and being good!

14. A.J. Daulerio running Deadspin. It looks like Deadspin, but it's demented like With Leather. Well done, sir.

15. Not making plans for New Year's. Crashing parties where you don't know anybody and drinking their champagne… that's how I ring in every year.

This may not be a huge deal to all you people with NFL Sunday Ticket, but for those of us in the Comcastic cable black hole of New York City, the Earth is a sweeter place today:

The National Football League, for the first time ever, is giving its broadcast network television partners, CBS and Fox, this Sunday a right to air two games each in markets that do not have a home football team–a double doubleheader.

"With tight playoff races and so much interest in so many games, a Week 17 double doubleheader offers fans more football as they look ahead to the playoffs," said Howard Katz, NFL senior vp of broadcasting.

I don't have anything mean to say about this. It's just awesome fucking news, and the first nice thing the NFL has done for fans since that sonofabitch Roger Goodell took over at the end of the summer. Now if you don't mind, Mr. Goodell, how about doing this every damn week?

But there I go making sense again. I've got no future in the business of sports. Which is good, because if I had to go into an office every day I'd end up grabbing female coworkers' tits. Best to keep me inside.

NASCAR driver Burney Lamar married Niki Taylor on Wednesday. Us Weekly has all the gay details like potato gnocchi and Vera Wang dress, if you care about that.

I've never heard of Burney Lamar, but way to go, dude. Niki Taylor at 31 is still a hell of a catch. I don't know about the spelling of "Burney," though. It's the kind of nickname you give somebody after a fiery car wreck, not something you name your child. Let's see him earn that name.

The catfight between the Dolphins' Jason Taylor and the Chargers' Shawne Merriman is reaching fabulous new heights. Taylor, who claimed that Merriman's steroid suspension earlier this year should preclude him from consideration for Defensive Player of the Year, is likely the non-steroid-using favorite for the award. And now Merriman has fired back:

"I sent him a 'Lights Out' hat and a 'Lights Out' T-shirt and a bag of popcorn, so he can watch us in the playoffs."

Ooh, burrrrrrrrrrrrnnnn.

Merriman then added, "I also sent him four cycles of nandralone so maybe he can play at my level." Merriman finished his press conference by nailing Zach Thomas's sister.

…and yet another American sports hero has fallen from grace. Mike Tyson was arrested last night for DUI and drug charges.

[Tyson] was stopped after his car almost struck a sheriff's vehicle while leaving the club at about 1:45 a.m.

Man, those fucking pigs will pull you over for anything these days, huh? 

Tyson was placed under arrest after "showing more signs of impairment" during the field sobriety tests. Police then found cocaine on him and in his car.

A lot of people abuse the word "hero" and "brave," but that sheriff deserves the Medal of Honor. There isn't enough money in the world or a handgun large enough that could convince me to arrest and search a drunk and coked-up Mike Tyson. He's raped people for less. And bitten off ears. And traveled to Africa to practice female genital mutilation… I mean, probably. I guess I can't prove that.

UPDATE: A hunky tipster sends these fetching mug shot photos of the champ.