Two college students tried to break into Heinz Field late Saturday night. I can't even recap this. Read it for yourself:

The men cooperated after being apprehended, telling police they had tickets to the game Sunday afternoon and "decided to check things out so they knew where to go," [Police Chief Nate] Harper said.

Police found a video camera and tripod in the Lexus sport utility vehicle they were driving. Harper said Sudeep, a 21-year-old film student, was planning to shoot the final part of a music video featuring the 20-year-old Durvasula at Heinz Field.

"We don't know exactly what their intentions were," Harper said. He added that if the men were trying to locate their seats, "they really could have gone online … versus coming over and trying to make entry into the stadium."

Words can't express how exhausting it is trying to comprehend how dumb people in Pittsburgh are. Do you realize that Carnegie Mellon is supposedly a good school? It attracts students with high SAT scores. Then they move into their freshman dorm, start drinking the Monongahela water or something, and two years later they're trying to break into an NFL stadium three weeks after a serious terrorism scare.

What amazes me is that Pittsburghers have held on to the use of language and technological tools at all. Every time I think of that city I imagine myself driving through at 100 mph while people in crude animal furs and Bettis jerseys throw bones at my horseless carriage.