11.06.06 MONDAY SUCK-OFF: NFC NORTH EDITION

Welcome to the Monday Suck-Off, where I try my hardest to figure out who sucked hardest during Sunday's NFL games. And kids, this week is a doozy. There was a lot of suckery out there. It was like watching Matt Millen operate a vacuum in the cargo hold of a spaceship with a malfunctioning airlock. Let's take a closer look:

The Titans, as usual, deserve a nod for getting blown out at Jacksonville, scoring a touchdown late to avoid getting shut out. But really, that's just their usual workmanlike shitty performance. The Cowboys Kyle Kosier gets a mention for his 15-yard face mask penalty with time expired that put the Redskins in field goal territory AND put time back on the clock, allowing for Nick Novak's game-winner. The Falcons choked hard against the Lions, but that's the Michael Vick you should expect every couple weeks.

I'm particularly impressed by how the Bears, who previously had gang-raped just about everybody except the mighty Arizona Cardinals, managed to give the ball away six times at home en route to losing to Joey Harrington and the Dolphins. Harrington only threw two interceptions to Rex Grossman's three, but he definitely tried to throw more. And for the Bears to shit so shittily against two different shitty teams, well, that's going to go a long way in the ever-important power rankings. Say goodbye to #1 in Peter King's Fine Fifteen, Bears.

However, the suckiest performance had to come from the Vikings. Say what you will about the Bears, at least they scored a couple of touchdowns. The Vikings lost 9-3 to a 49ers team that managed just 133 yards of total offense. Amazing. The Vikings haven't sucked that hard since — oh. Last year. I forgot about the Mike Tice Era.