After looking kinda crappy but still winning for the last couple weeks, USC finally succumbed at Oregon State on Saturday by a score of 33-31.

Who's ready for a sexual innuendo-off? Ready… go! 

Yes, the Beavers really swallowed those Trojans. The Trojans, ironically, had some protection issues. The Beavers really suffocated the Trojans until late in the game: with the Trojans down 33-10 in the third, the Beavers looked like a sure thing, but any celebration was premature until John David Booty couldn't hook up for a two-point play at the end. And if a man named Booty on the Trojans can't fuck the Beavers… well, what kind of world do we live in? Cock. Balls.

I like to keep things short around here, because I know everybody's real busy and has shitty attention spans and — hey! That car has the rims that spin! That's why I don't write long stuff about my NFL viewing experiences or post about my hand-wringing love-hate relationship with the Seahawks. Because nobody wants to read a site that's non-stop excited homerism for one team. Um, right?

But there's just so MUCH to talk about on Monday morning; how can I get it down to only one or two people or teams to pick on? The obvious choice is Big Ben and the Steelers, who lost to the Raiders thanks to a pair of pick-6s from Ogre himself. Indeed, my gleeful schadenfreude is booming over that bed-defecation, but it's a little bit too easy. How about the combined shittiness of Jets-Browns? Too boring. A Romo-sexual joke? Too easy.

A-ha! 49ers at Bears. Wow, what a debacle. I mean, the Bears couldn't put up a single point in the second half. The Niners outscored them 10-0 in the 4th quarter alone. The 49ers! Can you believe that? Way to fall apart at home, Bears. Best team in football, my ass.

Via the Wizard of Odds and the FanHouse, I bring you this little piece of broadcasting genius. The game: NIU-Iowa. The announcer: Brian Kinchen.

I like the part where the booth falls awkwardly silent.

Longtime Celtics coach and GM Red Auerbach died at the age of 89 yesterday, which has led us to lovely retrospectives on his life such as this ESPN.com piece. You can go there for sentiment; it's Monday morning, and I don't really feel like being nice about anything, especially when it comes down to a coach for a team I don't particularly care about.

Does that make me a bad person? Fine, fine. I'll be nice:

A nation weeps as we look back on Red Auerbach, whose life was tragically cut short by natural causes. It's times like these where we have to try not to question God's will, and merely accept that He takes some of us before our time. May the light of his life outshine the shadow of this dark day, or something like that.

Aw, man. Even when I try to be nice it comes out sarcastic. I swear that wasn't intentional.

Congratulations, St. Louis Cardinals. Thank you for sparing us as many as two more games with Joe Buck (even if you did prevent us seeing another awesome start from Kenny Rogers). You did it the only way you know how: extremely whitely.

To put this series in perspective, the best part of Game 5 — another game that the Cardinals won by playing fundamentally sound baseball while the Tigers did the opposite — was when Varcity came on to sing during the seventh inning strecth. "Varcity?" my buddy said. "More like Var-shitty!" Then we high-fived.

Anyway, baseball is finally over, so now we can finally focus on football. Because, uh, I haven't been doing that since July or anything. 

What to watch for in this week's biggest match-ups. Home team in ALL CAPS.

HAWAII over Idaho — This is a college football game, but I'm going to go ahead and make the same call in the battle of which state I'd rather live in 

Sexy Cat over SEXY NURSE — Because "pussy" innuendos are so rarely acceptable at parties 

Tigers over CARDINALS — Will Leitch is attending Game 5. You should probably bet whatever money you have on this

DAMON HUARD'S HAMSTRING over Matt's Hasselbeck's knee – Sunday's Seahawks-Chiefs game may be the battle of Seneca Wallace and Brodie Croyle. Yikes

Revenge Sex over DRUNKEN ONE-NIGHT STAND — It's just so much more satisfying 

BIG BEN'S HEALTH over This Fabergé Egg I'm Balancing On My Finger While Hopping On One Leg — But it should be really, really close