Remember the '80s? Well, they're back. Again. Drew Gooden, at least, is now rockin' it old-school (third item in "Dribbles"):

Gooden is on a big 1980s kick, a current fad in his hometown of Oakland. The Cavs forward recently plunked down $300 on eBay to get a vintage Casio calculator watch… He's growing a square patch of hair in the back of his otherwise shaved head, which he calls a "ducktail." His left eyebrow also has two lines shaved into it."

I don't understand why people think the '80s are so great. It's just regurgitated sentiment for an era that really isn't all that proud in American history. I mean, sure, the rise of organized labor was essential in establishing workers' rights, but mostly, it was a lot of battles with Indians as the whites took their land. And lets not forget Jim Crow laws, xenophobia against the flow of immigrants–

What's that? The 1980s? But I just got this new bowler hat at the haberdasher! It looks great when I'm riding my very tall bicycle.

Sheesh. The 1980s. So, like, what am I supposed to do? Have sex with Heather Locklear or something? Should I get nostalgic for puppet dictatorships in South America? Cuz I'll do it if it makes me cool.

He's not just a pretty face: Tom Brady disemboweled the Vikings last night. I'm pretty sure that after the game he raped some cherleaders and set fire to the Metrodome as well, just because he thought purple was a stupid color for vikings. And, seeing as how Kissing Suzy Kolber's Big Daddy Drew, a devout Vikings fan, taunted me relentlessly after the Seahawks lost to the Vikings, I found this blowout immensely enjoyable. So thanks, Dreamboat. You and I both know that SI's Andrew Perloff is an overrated journalist.

I think the real key to the Patriots' victory — other than the Vikings not going for it on 4th-and-30 after thee straight sacks in the 4th quarter — was Coach Bill Belichick. He had his players repeat a mantra: Clear eyes. Full Hearts. Can't Lose. Which is similar to Fred Smoot's Big Dong. Two ends. Both chicks., but somewhat less effective in inspiring a team to play as one.

So Will Leitch, the blogosphere personality who has on more than one occasion posted an unflattering picture of yours truly over at Deadspin, got caught on camera celebrating the Cardinals World Series win. Well, back at'cha, Holmes.

(For the record, my compatriots at Kissing Suzy Kolber posted this a few minutes before I did.)

During the week, I hardly remember that I have a TV. I'll sit on my couch, look at my TV, and be like, "I'm bored; what can I do?" Then I'll look at my TV for another 10 seconds or so, shrug my shoulders, and go into my room to crank out another 300 push-ups and 500 sit-ups. So I'm not one of those TV people.

However, thanks to the World Series sucking balls so hard, I flipped through the channels during baseball one night and found Friday Night Lights. Now, I understand that people who tell you that you just have to watch a show are assholes who are just forcing their interests on you, but… you have to watch this show. I know it's confusing, because it's called Friday Night Lights and it's usually on Tuesdays, only tonight it's on Monday, up against Sunday Night Football which is also now on Mondays, but take some time out tonight to watch this show. It's on at 10 p.m. on NBC. Oh, and all times are Eastern, because the Midwest is dead to me.

Then, at 11 o'clock, skip the local news (today's headline: somebody got shot) and watch the Daily Show, where King James, Monsieur LeBron Himself, will be the guest during Jon Stewart's week of recording the show from Ohio. I guess Carl Monday wasn't available.

Finally, if you get really bored and "Two and a Half Men" just isn't bringing the laughs like it usually does, check out Monday Night Football, Pats at Vikings. You can marvel at John Madden's plasticky blubber Tony Kornheiser's lazy combover in HD, and — if we're lucky — Tom Brady will cuddle a goat.

Hooman Hamzehloui, the Orlando Magic season ticket holder who was ejected for calling Dikembe Mutombo a "monkey" during Thursday night's preseason game, has issued a written apology to Mutombo, claiming he is not a racist and didn't realize that calling a black person a monkey was a offensive.

I was shocked to learn of this story. I mean, Dikembe Mutombo is still playing? I had no idea.

More importantly, I'm thankful that this incident has brought the name "Hooman Hamzehloui" to light. Doesn't saying it make your day a little bit brighter? Try it: Hooman Hamzehloui! It puts me in such a good mood that I want to write "To err is Hooman; to forgive, Dikembe." And then put a fork through my hand for making a pun.

Miami blogger and all-around malcontent White Dade — last seen clashing with, then later befriending, the father of FSU Cowgirl-cum-SI columnist Jenn Sterger — had a run-in with Shaquille O'Neal while lifting weights, and it turns out that Shaq is That Guy at the gym:

At the end of each set, instead of placing the weights down like a normal person would, Shaq not only slammed them but did so with such force that they bounced up and knocked other weights off the rack. Essentially unracking every dumbbell in the place. Not cool, I thought. So, as I was between sets two benches down, I looked over at Shaq and his trainer like “Are you going to put those back?” …And while I am generally a big fan of Shaquille’s, I think he could make a better role model to America's youth by showing them that is important to be courteous to others. As in RERACKING YOUR FUCKING WIEGHTS [sic].

All in all, it's not as bad as, say, drawing a gun on you and interrogating your children, but still: c'mon, Shaq. Just put the weights back. Or hire someone to put them back for you. That's what I'd do if I were a gazillionaire and the star of box office gold like Kazaam and Steel and I'd recorded with rap legends Fu Schnickens. I'd probably even hire people to lift weights for me. And shoot my free throws.