As usual, David Stern swoops in, sweeps a mess under the rug, rolls the rug up, incinerates it, and has the ashes buried under the end zone at Gians Stadium. In other words, the Knicks and Larry Brown settled their case, and we're not going to learn the details.

"At my request, the New York Knicks and Larry Brown have agreed to a compromise resolution of the dispute between them," Stern said in a statement. "Neither the club nor Larry have any future obligation to each other and have assured me, in response to my direction and request, that there will be no further public discussion of the matter."

I really don't understand why David Stern isn't running a military dictatorship in South America, or some kind of Jewish mafia crime syndicate. That kinda stuff has got to be more profitable than being commissioner of the NBA. It's just so sad to see him keep his evil laugh bottled up all the time, and for him to use slick words to control spin when he'd be so much more comfortable petting a cat and saying things like, "Mr. Black, dispatch this nuisance" while a sexy secret agent bearing my resemblance struggled to escape.

Note: This is my last post of the day. I'm taking off to go volunteer at a children's Halloween party. And by "volunteer at a children's Halloween party," I mean "volunteer at a children's Halloween party." You sick bastards. 

The Jets are dismissing a Star-Ledger report that Curtis Martin won't be returning this year and is close to retiring.

Allow me to be the first to say: Ummm… so?

Why is this even a story? It's either: 33-year-old running back with knee problems might retire! Or: Past-his-prime athlete may try to hang on a little longer! Could I be less surprised either way? 

But I guess I can see how it's pertinent, because the Jets are contending for the playoffs this year. What's that? They lost to the Browns? Oh. Well, then. I guess if you need me, I'll be over there, not caring.

Mina Brees, the mother of Saints quarterback Drew, is running for a spot on Texas's 3rd Court of Appeals. And she's using pictures of her son in her ads. Or was, anyway.

Brees has asked his mother to stop using his picture in TV commercials touting her candidacy for a Texas appeals court… [He] said he got no response from his mother when he first heard about the ads and called her to ask that she stop using them. His agent sent her a letter Oct. 20 threatening legal action, he said. He called his relationship with his mother "nonexistent" after it crumbled six years ago when he refused to hire her as his agent.

Wow, talk about issues. This makes me glad that I've got a such a close relationship with my mother. Of course, I was breast-fed until I was eight.

One of my girlfriends called me a "momma's boy," but she was obviously just jealous. Thats why I buried her in a cornfield in central Illinois one night.

As everyone surely knows, the NBA returns tonight with a doubleheader on TNT: the Bulls at the Heat, followed by the Suns at the Lakers. I'm going to do my best to keep up with the NBA for a full 82 games, but to be honest, I probably won't really start caring until the players do — probably after the All-Star game.

Thankfully, there are 800 million NBA blogs for you to read. My favorites — just like everybody else — are the indispensable TrueHoop, the newly podcastic Basketball Jones, and of course FreeDarko, which combines a passion for the League of Stars with philosophical mumbo-jumbo too dizzying to disagree with. I can never understand FreeDarko, but I always do the reading, because the T.A. usually clears things up in discussion section.

Also, for those of you are new to the ideas of "blogs" and this league called the "NBA," you may enjoy the sometimes overlooked but always high-quality YAYsports! NBA. Also, Wizznutzz is a favorite amongst sailors of this great big blogosphere — I admit, they have a certain autistic ingenuity, but as a stern grammarian I can't condone their celebration of the deterioration of the English language. But if you like that picture and/or need daily worship of Gilbert Arenas, Wizznutzz is the place for you.

…And I'm spent. Welcome back, NBA. Have fun tonight. But please, leave your guns at home.

For those of you arriving from the colossal gay train wreck of Deadspin today, welcome. Stay tuned for dick jokes and some actual sports news.

Like this: Jeff Borris, Barry Bonds's agent, believes that thirty teams will be interested in signing his client this winter. Thirty Major League Baseball teams, that is — the number is actually much higher if you count the teams in the Federation of Colossal Assholes.

"When you analyze the economics and demographics that Barry might mean to a franchise, I believe all 30 teams would be interested in him based on the revenue he could bring to the franchise."

An insider reports that Bonds is looking for $14 million a year wherever he goes.

Wow, $14 million to play 120 games and hit as many as 22 home runs? That's almost Clemensesque. What team wouldn't want to add him to their lineup? Plus you get the added bonus of his veteran leadership, which I've heard is a combination of Ty Cobb with syphilis and Shannen Doherty.

Up-and-coming Bulgarian soccer star Ivelin Popov has been ordered by his club, Livex Lotech, to get married in the next year in order to curb his wild lifestyle. I am not fucking with you. This is true.

Popov, …who turned 19 this week, …is known for his countless girlfriends and volatile temper and upset the Litex fans on Friday when he made a gesture towards them after scoring in a 2-1 victory.

What does Popov think about this?

"I accept the order and I promise to do it. My bosses are right to want such a thing from me because they know my temper."

Frankly, all of this sounds like extremely sound logic to me. But then I'm the one who put my penis in the toaster this morning, so take that with a grain of salt. What? It looked warm and inviting, that's why.