I'm sick of that guy. You know, the wide receiver for the Cowboys? This farce of a suicide attempt-but-not- really-even-though-it-was-or-maybe-just-a-cry- for-help-and-in-no-way-an-allergic-reaction bullshit will get no attention from me. You know that Simpsons Halloween episode where the advertising logos come to life and wreck Springfield? And Lisa has to come up with the jingle "Just don't look!" to make them go away? Well, consider that mentally unstable prima donna an annoying Applebee's ad. Just don't look.

I'm not even going to put up a picture of that wang wrangler. I'm going with tennis champion Maria Sharapova. She's six-foot-two and slightly mannish, yet I'm still totally hot for her. That doesn't make me gay, does it? What if I want her to wear a strap-on and do me in the butt? I'm still straight, right? It's not like I'm asking her to cut off her hair and wear this fake mustache.

Although that would be hot.