The good news for the Washington Nationals is that no one is hurt. The bad news is… well, there isn't any bad news. It's just funny news. You see, the Nats' train home from New York derailed Tuesday morning, proving that God may have a sense of humor, but his comic timing is actually three or four months late if he wanted to get the most out of the joke.

It's weird. I sit here all day looking through sports stories for something as perfect as this, and when it finally happens, I'm disappointed. It's too easy. Train wreck. Washington Nationals. What else can I do? Second-graders can connect the dots on that one. And second-graders are still laughing at puns on popsicle sticks.

Couldn't the Nats have given me something to work with? Like, say, everyone got killed except for Alfonso Soriano? I could bring the room down with that. Okay, okay, I don't want to wish death on the Nats… but were there at least banana peels on the tracks? Monkeys distracting the engineer? Clowns in the caboose? C'mon, gimme something.

The University of Phoenix has bought the naming rights to Cardinals Stadium, ending the dreams of many that the structure be called the Pink Taco. So now it's going to be called University of Phoenix Stadium, which totally just rolls off your tongue. The president of Apollo Group Inc., which owns the U. of P., said, "We want to lend more credibility to the students who earn degrees from here." Well then, spending scores of millions of dollars over two decades to align your product with one of the most inept football franchises in history was a good call.

In case you're unfamiliar with shitty excuses for college educations, the University of Phoenix is a great way to get your degree online. Who wants to go to college over the Internet? That makes luring sorority girls up to your room way too difficult. And what about ultimate frisbee? And skipping class on the first nice day of spring? And selling your books three weeks into the semester because you're out of beer money? No fucking thank you.

Naturally, Deadspin alerted me to this, but I owe it to the world to show this to everyone I know, and we all owe it to ourselves to laugh at another's pain.

This woman is Lia Mara Lourenco at a Brazilian national athletics competition of some sort in Sao Paolo. I've always thought that Brazil was really cool, but i didn't realize that spear-hunting women was a sport there. Fucking AWESOME.

I'm getting my net and club and flying down there immediately. Are there free-range women? Have they been effectively trained and equipped to evade nature's greatest hunter? Ah, who cares? Release the hounds!

Because I'm white and talking about race is right up there with getting my urethra scraped on my list of Least Favorite Things To Do, I ignored the scope of ESPN's coverage of the Atlanta-New Orleans Monday Night Football game. Yes, I noticed that it was mostly white folk in the stands, and yes, I'm well aware that the majority of the Superdome populace a year ago was another race. Do I think that's okay? Absolutely not. Is it the kind of material I like to work with? Not really. 

But if you're looking for an excellent denunciation of ESPN's whitewashing, I direct you to FreeDarko, the Internet's finest source for sports coverage that feels like homework. Bethlehem Shoals — which I suspect may be a pseudonym — writes:

I'd assumed this would be a chance for the American mainstream to 'fess up about the diaster's real shape and form. I'd anticipated something that, if not downright lugubrious, would at least verge on cathartic. Cathartic, presumably, for those who had been most affected by the high water… [Then] it dawned on me: not only was the mood more festive than moving, they'd also totally neglected the whole "rechristen the Superdome" angle. This was "football returning to New Orleans," minus any of the messy, wrenching stuff that would've come up had ESPN cut to the quick… I can't help but suspect that if the NBA had to do this, it wouldn't have been quite as insensitive, rote, thoughtless, and blind to the reason for this night's importance. Maybe it would've done a little to remind people what went wrong, instead of simply going along with a status quo that caused the calamity in the first place.

So, um… there's that. I thought Reggie Bush made everything better? No?

Update: WL conspirator Big Daddy Drew says, "He's kidding, right? Because I'm pretty sure the NBA would have hired Beyonce to perform in a mermaid outfit."

The Cincinnati Reds kept their playoff hopes alive by coming back from an early 4-0 deficit to win 5-4 on Ken Griffey Jr's three-run, pinch-hit home run in the 8th inning. It was Griffey's 563rd career home run (tying him with Reggie Jackson all-time) in his first appearance since dislocating his toe trying to catch a Barry Bonds home run at the beginning of the month. God, could Barry Bonds BE a bigger dick? Using every steroid under the sun wasn't enough, now he's taking out his nearest competitors in the Hank Aaron chase.

It's easy to make fun of Griffey because he could get injured walking to the car in the morning, but sports fans with pure hearts should like Griffey. He singlehandedly saved baseball in Seattle (1995 ALDS comeback victory over Yankees = sweet), then left not because of money but because he wanted to play for his hometown team. He's one of the few bright stars from baseball's steroid era whose name hasn't been linked to the scandal. And he reminds me of a time when I was just a starry-eyed, naive sports fan, a virgin who worked too hard and didn't get noticed. Funny how some things never change.

The Minnesota Twins are in the playoffs, joining the Tigers on the list of non-New York teams for FOX executives to openly root against.

Everyone wants to make a big deal out of Mauer and Morneau, or Torii Hunter's leadership, or the deep young pitching rotation. But the real story here is the Kansas City Royals. That's two consecutive games they've played where teams have clinched playoff berths by beating them. Seriously, consecutive days. Ninth inning ends, your opponent streams onto the field to dogpile he pitcher on the mound, the PA makes an announcement about them going to the playoffs, and the Royals take one last look over their shoulder on the way to the showers: yep, they broke out the champagne on the field.

Do they travel to Oakland next? I could get used to this. I love depressing stories. They make me feel better about myself.