Even though the Cardinals snapped their 7-game losing streak on (who else?) Albert Pujols's late home run, the real story in the NL Central is the red-hot Astros, who rallied from a 6-1 deficit to win 7-6 in 15 innings. Trailing the Cards by 1.5 games, and with only four games left — all on the road — the Astros basically can't afford to lose, especially with the St. Louis Pujols deciding to finally win a game. After Brad Ausmus's go-ahead sac fly in the 15th led to the win, 'Stros manager Phil Garner said,

I've complained all year about not being able to get a run in from third, so I'm going to kiss his lunch for getting that one in.

Ewwwwww. I don't know where a man's "lunch" is, but if it's anywhere near the meast or the rumph, I'm really glad I don't have access to the Astros locker room. 

I'm sick of that guy. You know, the wide receiver for the Cowboys? This farce of a suicide attempt-but-not- really-even-though-it-was-or-maybe-just-a-cry- for-help-and-in-no-way-an-allergic-reaction bullshit will get no attention from me. You know that Simpsons Halloween episode where the advertising logos come to life and wreck Springfield? And Lisa has to come up with the jingle "Just don't look!" to make them go away? Well, consider that mentally unstable prima donna an annoying Applebee's ad. Just don't look.

I'm not even going to put up a picture of that wang wrangler. I'm going with tennis champion Maria Sharapova. She's six-foot-two and slightly mannish, yet I'm still totally hot for her. That doesn't make me gay, does it? What if I want her to wear a strap-on and do me in the butt? I'm still straight, right? It's not like I'm asking her to cut off her hair and wear this fake mustache.

Although that would be hot.

When I heard that Bill Romanowski was coaching his 12-year-old son's flag football team, I was ecstatic. Romo used steroids (allegedly!), spit in an opponent's face, and broke a teammate's eye socket during a locker room fight over the course of his 16-year career. He was the Karl Rove of the NFL. Surely this would end in some kind of insanely blow-up in which he killed a child. Right?

Ummm… no. In a recent game that turned to physical — according to the San Francisco Chronicle – Romo talked sternly but sensibly to the opposing coach at halftime, then scolded one of the opposing players after an illegal leg-whip in the second half. He apparently even told his team that they were strictly forbidden from retaliating to the dirty play.

What the hell is going on? Can't I get one decent scandal? I don't need him to molest the kids, but can't he at least give the kids steroids? Or encourage them to cheer for Barry Bonds? Or tell them that unprotected sex in San Francisco is a good decision? This is like when I read A Clockwork Orange and at the end the head droog has grown up and lives a normal, boring life. Just one more reason not to read books: they're more realistic than movies and they never have explosions. Okay that's two reasons but whatever.

Barry Bonds, who at present is 21 home runs behind Hank Aaron, has announced that he will return next year. Well, actually it was his agent who announced it, but I'm having a hard time coping with the details.

Well, this has been just a real spectacular day. This really gets me stoked for next year, because the season-long ticker from ESPN hasn't kept me aware of how many home runs Barry has. I fucking hate this guy. Nothing would make me happier than Ken Griffey Jr and Hank Aaron beating him to death with Louisville Sluggers then dumping his body in McCovey Cove for those asshole kayakers to find.

Well, one thing would make me happier. Unfortunately I don't think Scarlett Johansson would really fall in love with me just because I punched Josh Hartnett's squinty eyes out. But she should.

A day after being arrested on drug charges, Chargers safety Terrence Kiel has admitted to DEA officials that he mailed prescription cough syrup back to his hometown of Houston. Really? The Feds are cracking down on codeine abuse these days? Apparently:

While Kiel did not tell the DEA his motive, the agency in Texas has found widespread abuse of codeine-based cough syrup mixed with soft drinks or drugs and referred to as "lean"… A pint bottle of "lean" can cost between $200 and $325 on the street.

Hold on a second here. People are paying 200 bucks for a bottle NyQuil and7 Up? Whoever's running that operation has the biggest group of idiot drug users on the planet. You can get a bottle of Mad Dog 20/20 for three bucks then add some seltzer water, and it's the same damn thing. What the hell is wrong with the drug trade in Houston? I live in a neighborhood full of rich yuppies with golden retrievers and four-year-olds who read Hemingway, and even I think that's lame.

Kiel, who was shot three times during an attempted carjacking before his rookie season, also admitted to authorities that he's having financial difficulties, even though he's under contract for $500,000 a year. Some people may think that's perfectly enough to live on, but that's just because they have NO IDEA how much the government takes away in taxes. In fact, Terrence Kiel is a modern-day Robin Hood. He takes cough syrup from himself and sells it to the poor. A lot of "lean" junkies call him a hero, but really he's just doing his job.

Today may very well be the biggest lube-free blueball handjob ever in sports news. T.O. tried to kill himself! No he didn't! Bill Simmons is doing a four-hour chat! But he's being a douchebag! Shaun Alexander might play on Sunday after all! Or maybe not! Fuuuuuuuuuuuck. Stop it stop it stop it.

Let's focus on the NFL's reigning MVP and current Madden Curse victim: earlier today, Alexander cited the power of prayer as improving his health to the point that "Holmgren said Alexander reported for work on Wednesday 'feeling really good' and 'kind of frisky as a matter of fact.'" Well, that's just great, the veteranarian has upgraded Alexander's condition from "serious" to "frisky" and now I can't help but picture him fetching sticks and roughhousing with Matt Hasselbeck. And teaming up with Maurice Morris to kill a miniature horse.