09.25.06 David Wells Has Gout Yes I said Gout No it’s not a typo

The Padres scratched David Wells from his scheduled start Monday night because the old, fat pitcher has gout. Yeah, gout. When I read this I was all, "Who the fuck gets gout?" so I went to good ol' Wikipedia, which hit me some new ka-nowledge like this: 

Many still believe that gout is caused by a combination of dietary factors and "laziness". In particular, many believe that gout develops following several years of excessive alcohol consumption…

 and 

Gout was traditionally viewed as a disease of the decadent and indolent, because the foods which contribute to its development were only available in quantity to the wealthy. The stereotypical victim was a lazy, obese middle-aged man who habitually overindulged in rich foods and alcohol, with port consumption often cited as a specific cause. This stereotype is especially evident when Gout is referred to as "The Disease of Kings".

Port consumption? Has he eaten the port of San Diego? I wouldn't be surprised. You see, it's funny because David Wells is a lazy fat drunk. And kind of a dick.