A day after the Washington Nationals' train literally derailed and several months after it figuratively derailed, manager Frank Robinson met with the media to dicuss his meetings with team preseident Stan Kasten and drunk-driving GM Jim Bowden. Actually, Robinson didn't reveal what was discussed, but he did cry like a little bitch. Actually, that's too mean. Frank Robinson was a truly great player and sometimes an okay manager. He didn't cry like a bitch, it was more like a little girl. Still too mean? Ummm… he cried like Clint Eastwood in Million Dollar Baby?

Whatever, I've cried before. I'm not ashamed to admit it. My parents were rough on me when I was a teenager. I mean, I'd slept with that blanket since I was a baby.

Less than two short months after Deadspin brought our attention to Beep Baseball, ESPN.com has created a fancy little interactive "E-ticket" on the same subject, a whole page built in Flash with slow-loading video and sappy Bob Ley commentary.

I don't really give a shit that Bob Ley is schmaltzifying something that Will Leitch's piranha pit of commenters has already mercilessly ridiculed. What really matters is that we finally have video of blind people hitting a beeping ball and running towards a padded base that they crash into. And the blind players all wear blindfolds, because some of those cheating fucks can actually see light. Anyway, go check it out and laugh it up. It's a cross between baseball and Marco Polo, and it delivers the goods.

Just don't read any of the player info or history of the game. That presented the human side of things, which made me feel like an asshole for laughing.

So even though Tiger Woods merely had a winning record in match play at the Ryder Cup, apparently he hasn't forgotten how to play golf: Eldrick took the lead in the America Express Championship with an 8-under 63 today.

Of course, my favorite thing about Tiger Woods news is Elin Nordegren. That's her with Luke Donald's girlfriend Diane Antonopoulos. I don't know what's up with the bird that's roosting in Diane's hair, but I do know that she went to Northwestern, where she met Mr. I Have Two First Names. She was in Kappa Kappa Gamma there, which is the sorority for girls who are hot (by Northwestern standards), rich, and bitchy. That's only the stereotype, of course. Diane looks quite nice. Great name, too: Antonopoulos. Really rolls off the tongue. I prefer to think of her as a Greek shipping heiress rather than a sorority girl. And I prefer to think of us together on her yacht, sharing quiet moments in the fluffy California king bed below deck, naked under the covers save the tropical bird trapped in her hair. Don't worry, baby, I'll get it out.

This should come as a surprise to precisely no one who has been awake during any part of a baseball season any time over the last three or four years, but Pedro Martinez is having trouble recovering from an injury and got rocked by the Atlanta Braves last night. Martinez gave up 7 runs in 2 2/3 innings and got pulled after the opposing pitcher clubbed an RBI double off him.

This is just depressing. Pedro was so brilliantly dominating for so long that to see him blubbering about another poor performance from his wet noodle of an arm is like watching a new porno from Jenna Jameson: it ends up being more disturbing than arousing, and you find yourself getting nostalgic for the artist's prime, before she went to lesbian scenes only, then retired, then un-retired, then went back to no-holds-barred filth.

Well, at least that's how I feel after I get done masturbating. I don't care if she's been ridden hard and put away wet, it's still fuckin' Jenna Jameson. Which is more than we can say about Pedro.

I can barely even write about this because I keep shuddering involuntarily, but here goes: a high school football player in Wisconsin named Jake Asp almost missed part of his season because he had a beetle lodged in his ear. For real: 

"Someone said I could have popped my ear drum," Asp said. "…But when I got to the [clinic], they took a look in there and saw it, and I was like, 'What the heck? How did I get a bug in my ear?'"

Asp could hear it, and it nearly drove him nuts. "It was digging and biting into my eardrum," he said. "That went on for, like, 15 minutes. I could hear it — a whole bunch of loud popping noises. It hurt pretty bad."

Asp eventually went into surgery after his ear started filling up with blood.

Okay, deep breaths. I'm a pretty tough dude. I invaded Iraq in a tank and killed some people and generally wasn't too afraid, then because I'm such a hardass I got my own sports blog. But this… fuuuuuuuuck. No chance I'm sleeping tonight. Hey, YOU try watching The Wrath of Khan when you're five years old and see if you don't have nightmares about bugs in your ears for the rest of your childhood.

The school district responsible for Oscoda Area High School in Michigan has cancelled the football team's season. Through four games Oscoda High was 0-4 with zero points scored, and my calculator says that's not very good. The board ruled that Oscoda was so overmatched in its tough conference that it was a safety risk to the team's players.

In other football news, the Oakland Raiders are 0-2 with the highlight of their season — the bye week — already behind them. They have been outscored 55-6, and those 6 points didn't come from a touchdown. Starting QB Aaron Brooks has already gotten hurt from being sacked 800 times in two games, and now the Raiders look to The Andrew Walter Experience to carry them to less embarrassment, which is about as likely as everyone in Raider Nation getting a job.

I think you can see where I'm going here: the Raiders should look into drafting some Oscoda players so the carnage never stops.