Get out your knee pads and Neosporin to keep those boo-boos away, it’s an extreme power rankings in honor of this weekend’s X Games festivities.

#1 Motocross babes – Do you know the difference between a 250 cc and a 450 cc hog? If not, these ladies would be more than happy to give you a tutoring session or two. Here’s a gallery of the sport’s most bodacious of babes for, you know, research.

#2 Travis Pastrana – Arguably the baddest man in X Games history, Travis took home the gold medal for Freestyle Moto X after his first two runs, then for kicks, threw down a double backflip on his victory run.

#3 Jake Brown – Skateboard Big Air is by far the most badass sport at the X Games, and Jake Brown is its gold medal winner. The win is even more impressive considering he did this a couple years ago. His runs after the jump.
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Welcome to Weekend Picks, where Shakey arbitrarily picks a handful of games and then demands that you watch them. His picks are in bold for some reason. Probably because I’m a horrible manager of people. -JZ.

Phillies @ Nationals: Hey hey, it’s the inaugural start for Roy Oswalt as a member of the Philadelphia Phillies, the team that I pledge my allegiances to! I mean, I’m not going to watch the game because I’ll be busy playing board games while mocking all of my friends until they loathe me, but I’m sure it’s going to be excellent. By the way, I have deemed the duo of Roys at the top of the Phillies rotation as ‘Royz In the Hood’, and if you choose to call them by any other name I will call on my very large and street savvy neighbor black men to slay you. They won’t actually OBEY me, but it’s still a threat! Anyway, this reminds me of the famous Oswalt story shrouded in folklore that is most invariably a lie. When Oswalt was a high school pitcher, his elbow was hurting him quite terribly one day when he decided to try and fix his dad’s truck. He received a gigantic electric shock from the motor that went right up his right arm and ever since then his arm has never hurt him to this day. Though I choose to believe this story as it is awesome, it eerily reminds me of the story of one of my favorite extremely shitty superheroes “Static Shock“, who flies around on a trash can lid fed by electricity and got his powers when he was shocked by a nuclear reactor, because he is a gigantic imbecile who hangs around nuclear reactors in his free time. Oh yeah, the Nationals will be there too.

Diamondbacks @ Mets: There’s really no point in watching this game unless you want to watch Jose Reyes do all of those ridiculously complicated handshakes he’s spent all of the time he should be using to get better at baseball figuring out. On the plus side, watching him do them will make you realize he is a complete and utter douchebag. Read the rest of this entry »

As the story goes, Louisville coach Rick Pitino and serial hat wearer Karen Sypher met in a restaurant and quickly took their conversation to the bathroom stall where things started getting frisky. They did something naughty, she got pregnant and he gave her $3,000 for an abortion. Later, she realized she didn’t get the national attention or money (or sexual satisfaction) she so desperately desired from her ‘encounter’ with Pitino so she cried rape and tried to extort him for $5.5 million. He called her bluff, she took the story public and now they’re fighting it out in extortion court.

Anyway, the latest installment of the sordid tale of Rick Pitino and his 50-year-old restaurant bathroom sex partner has gotten pretty graphic, and you’re about to read the disgusting details! Thanks to the strong stomach’d Matt Jones of Kentucky Sports Radio who dutifully attended the extortion trial and tweeted out a play-by-play of all the horribly entertaining statements by Pitino and his bang maid, we get to be the creepy voyeurizing neighbor as he takes us through one night moment in Karen Sypher, and I get to break out the seldom used premature ejaculation tag. Everybody wins.

Pitino sad he did not plan on having sex with Sypher but he didn’t protest. She asked if he had a condom and he said, “I don’t carry condoms.” Sypher tells Pitino she is fertile. Rick testifies, “she told me her husband looked at her 4 times and she got pregnant and I pulled out”. Defense attorney asks how could she have become pregnant then if he did not ejaculate. Pitino testifies, “I did, down my leg.” Pitino said entire sexual encounter with Sypher “took less than 15 seconds”. Pitino then testifies that “it is physically possible” he could have gotten her pregnant but declines to go further. Thankfully topic ends. -KySportsRadio Twitter

My favorite quote from the encounter (besides the one about how he lasted 15 seconds, of course)?

He said it began when she started rubbing his leg as they were sitting at the bar, then suggested that they go to a booth. “One thing led to another,” Pitino said. He said he got nervous after Sypher told him she was very fertile and joked that her first husband once got her pregnant just by looking at her. -Couriar-Journal Read the rest of this entry »

The Sacramento Kings must be nervous about the emotional maturity of their first round draft pick, DeMarcus Cousins, because there’s no other reason the franchise would hire Cousins’ high school coach, Otis Hughley. Cousins, the fifth overall pick in this year’s draft, is like a 10 year old in a giant 10 year old’s body, so hiring someone to serve as an authority figure is a good idea. Better to be safe than sorry, and in this case, sorry is having the second coming of Eddy Curry.

Cousins was the No. 1 pick by the Kings and Hughley coached him at Mobile (Ala.) LeFlore High.

“Otis has a wealth of experience working with young players and is ready to jump to the NBA,” said coach Paul Westphal. –USA Today

The Kings are hoping that Hughley can be the Bizzaro Don King. Here’s a tip, Sacramento management, when DeMarcus starts dressing like JaMarcus Russell cut him. At which point, you should hire me to run the team, because I know everything about basketball. I’m sorry, I forgot to tell you I was Bill Simmons. Read the rest of this entry »

In moves that must be terrifying NBA executives from coast-to-coast, MLB teams are actually making pretty big deals in order to win as the trade deadline approaches tomorrow. Of course baseball has the waiver deadline as well, but this has been one of the more active trade deadlines in recent years, with the Texas Rangers and San Diego Padres stocking up on bats to hold on to their first place spots, while contenders like the Philadelphia Phillies try to erase the past with blockbuster deals. Meanwhile, the Pittsburgh Pirates are still the lone vote for a 12-game season.

The week began with the Arizona Diamondbacks dealing ace Dan Haren to the Los Angeles Angels of Angels Angels for a package involving Joe Saunders and prospects, and from there the trade deadline panties dropped. The biggest name to be dealt is Roy Oswalt, who has been the target of trade speculation for the past five seasons. The former Cy Young Award winner finally waived his no trade clause to pitch for a contender, or at least a team within 14 games of first place.

Just try to make us forget the Cliff Lee debacle, Philadelphia Inquirer:

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I’m not going to complain about how sorry my life is for like three days after reading this story. After the North Korean national team qualified for the 2010 World Cup for the first time since 1966, you’d think things were looking all peachy keen (Besides the fact that they have to reside in North Korea, of course) for them, right? WRONG. Their trip to South Africa resulted in a miserable flop of an appearance that resulted in three straight losses, including a nationally televised debacle of a game against Portugal when they surrendered 7 goals in a mortifying loss that ended with a walk to the locker room that probably felt like the Bataan death march.

Now a loss like this would ordinarily have sent a bout of white hot rage searing through the veins of almighty leader Kim Jong-il if he still had the ability to stay conscious for more than 5 minutes, but now that he spends most of his time trying to find his glasses the punishment responsibilities were handed down to his son Kim Jong un, who came down upon his mangy bunch of soccer playing failures with the full force of the hammer of Thor, which Kim Jong-il coincidently claims he owns.

The entire squad was forced onto a stage at the People’s Palace of Culture and subjected to criticism from Pak Myong-chol, the sports minister, as 400 government officials, students and journalists watched. The players were subjected to a “grand debate” on July 2 because they failed in their “ideological struggle” to succeed in South Africa, Radio Free Asia and South Korean media reported.

The team’s coach, Kim Jong-hun, was reportedly forced to become a builder and has been expelled from the Workers’ Party of Korea. The coach was punished for “betraying” Kim Jong-un – one of Supreme Leader Kim Jong-il’s sons and heir apparent.

Following ideological criticism, the players were then allegedly forced to blame the coach for their defeats. -Telegraph

Remember all of those people who joke that the North Korea soccer team was about to be sent down to the coal mines in a runaway mine cart to work in a spooky cave filled with flesh-eating mega-bats? Well you guys must feel like a bunch of jerks now, don’t you? Read the rest of this entry »