As I mentioned earlier in my Peabody Award nominee post about Princess the Prognostic Camel, I’m not much of a gambler. That doesn’t stop people from asking me for advice, though, because when you tell people that you’re a sports blogger, you should probably include that you’re a dick joke maker and not an expert, otherwise people will assume you know things.

But aside from bar squares and fantasy football, there is one specific type of gambling that I’m a sucker for – Super Bowl prop bets. And this year there are some awesomely stupid bets to be made, from Kelly Clarkson’s National Anthem prowess to Madonna’s Skeletor arms. Side note: Madonna, LMFAO and Cee Lo are set to perform updated variations of Madonna’s old hits. She’s like the George Lucas of music. Madonna might as well make Cee Lo dress like Jar Jar Binks.

Where was I? Yes, prop bets. They’re typically for the most degenerate gamblers, as people who feel the need to bet on every little thing – including the coin flip, the color of Gatorade dumped on the winning coach and how many yards Hakeem Nicks’ first catch will be – for the sake of getting their rush and/or making up for all the money they lost during the regular season. Today, though, I’m making prop bets into something for the average person.

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From the video description:

After getting sprayed from point-blank range with some silly string, an upset Bruins fan goes after Tampa Bay’s mascot and gives him a push. He is then kicked out of the game. Seems a little silly to me, as it was just a little shove. It’s not like he beat the hell out of him (though he looks like he could have), and theres a fairly good reason why he was upset to begin with (though it WAS just silly string). Hot headed much?

So, where to begin?

1. You cannot get sprayed with silly string at “point blank range”. While we’re at it, you also can’t load a can of silly string with rock salt and spray it in a spread.
2. “Seems a little silly to me, as it was just a shove”. I’m guessing the sillier aspect of this is that a grown man would get sprayed with silly string by a guy in a plush firefly costume and his reaction would be to rush up the steps in a rage and shove it, instead of pulling the string off his face, saying “heh, argh you son of a bitch” with good nature and continuing to watch the hockey game as not a sociopath.
3. “It’s not like he beat the hell out of him (though he looks like he could have)” is the worst part of this. I don’t think anyone was calling the guy’s toughness into question and you don’t really have to jump to defend a guy who shoved down a cartoon character for f**king with him. I’m sure he’s sufficiently tough, and that he shows and tells people as often as possible.
4. “There’s a fairly good reason why he was upset to begin with”. There really wasn’t, unless “being a constantly-pissed off anthropomorphic dick hockey fan” is the fairly good reason. It’s hard to see a fat guy furiously running after a foam animal for accosting him with the solids version of a squirt gun and assume he’s doing it for a “good reason”.

The worst part is that Thunderbug was fired over this. Via the Tampa Bay Times:

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When Tom Brady dumped his girlfriend, actress Bridget Moynahan, while she was pregnant a few years ago, I couldn’t believe what a dick he was. But then he started dating super duper model Gisele Bündchen, and I was like, “Yeah that makes sense now” because if being arguably the best quarterback in the history of the NFL isn’t enough, Brady can soon lay claim to being married to the world’s first billionaire model.

At least that’s what pace Gisele is on now that she has released her own lingerie line for the Brazilian company Hope. Think about that the next time you brag that your wife showed her boobs for free drinks at Chili’s.

After the 40-piece collection hit stores across Brazil the fashion retailer Hope reported a 40 per cent increase in turnover.

Now, the range is expected to be a hit with shoppers worldwide.

And with her products endorsements and business ventures earning a total of £29 million last year, Bündchen is now believed to be on track to becoming the world’s first billionaire supermodel. (Via The Daily Mail)

I’m just going to lay this out there for people to debate – Tom Brady and Gisele Bündchen > Jay-Z and Beyoncé > David Beckham and Sporty Baby Scary Ginger Posh Victoria Beckham. I don’t even really think it’s debatable. Find me a bigger power couple than a franchise QB with 3 (possibly 4+) Super Bowl rings and a 31-year old billionaire supermodel wife whose abs could crack a diamond.

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One of The Dugout’s favorite recurring characters over the last seven years (holy crap) has been art dealer and owner of the Florida Miami Marlins Jeffrey Loria. He’s created championship teams on minimum wage, he looks like the lovechild of John Lithgow and The Great Pumpkin and he wears sunglasses with colored lenses because that’s the kind of thing cool millionaires do. He’s also sort of a son of a bitch, and the kind of guy who can be completely racist without ever really being racist at all.

Anyway, at some point between then and now, the Miami Marlins turned into a financial contender. They’ve got new uniforms, a new stadium, a new name … they’ve signed big name free agents and positioned themselves as a legitimate, unsurprising contender in the National League. Previous rationalization led me to just assume Loria had gotten a concussion and his friends were too afraid to bring it up, but it turns out I’ve got a better explanation.

Today’s Dugout is after the jump.

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I’ve never been much of a gambler, as I wisely invest my hard-earned money in booze and blackouts. But I do understand that when it comes to the biggest sporting events, gamblers will look to almost anyone or anything for a sign. Hell, not even two years ago we were going bonkers over Paul the Octopus, as he correctly picked Germany’s victory in seven World Cup matches. Alas, Paul’s power had limitations, and he died soon after. Hopefully, it was a delicious, fried and dipped in marinara death.

But fear not, people who depend on strange looking creatures to predict sporting event outcomes. Princess the Camel is here to help guide you now, and if you’re still looking for a sign in choosing a Super Bowl XLVI winner, look no more. Princess says the New York Giants are going to win.

Princess, the star of New Jersey’s Popcorn Park Zoo, has correctly picked the winner of five of the last six Super Bowls. She went 14 and 6 predicting regular season and playoff games this year, and has a lifetime record of 88-51. (Via the Huffington Post)

Dear Fox Sports, think about that the next time you cut Frank Caliendo a check for a sh*tty impression and his thoughts on Jacksonville-Cleveland.

So how exactly does a camel make football predictions? Deliciously.

The Bactrian camel’s prognostication skills flow from her love of graham crackers. Zoo general manager John Bergmann places a cracker and writes the name of the competing teams on each hand. Whichever hand Princess nibbles from is her pick. On Wednesday, she made her pick with no hesitation at all, predicting bad news for Bill Belichick, Tom Brady and the New England Patriots, even though the Las Vegas oddsmakers have New England favored by about 3 points.

Oddly enough, Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski has a similar method of choosing which porn star he’s going to sleep with. He holds one hand out in front of a group of girls and the first girl to eat the morning after pill out of it goes home with him. Haha, just kidding, he sleeps with all of them! Beat that, Jake Ballard.

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It’s time to flush the good will and fan song benefit-of-the-doubt earned by Ashkon’s “Niners In Paris” down the toilet, because the worst kind of guy who does things on the Internet (the bald, bearded guy wearing sunglasses on his webcam) has created “The Gronk Song – An Original for Rob Gronkowski”. It … basically destroys fan songs forever. And possibly rap music. And possibly white people. And uh, possibly people.

In a greater context, sure, there have been worse fan songs on YouTube and fat kids doing Ke$ha covers about hockey is objectively worse, but there’s something special about this video’s unique mix of bad rhyming, New England rabbel-rousing and full-on virgin-or-close-to-it perspectives on women.

Example:

Shopping for him must be hard to do,
’cause he wears a massive size-16 shoe.
He went to college in Arizona,
calls Bibi Jones when he gets a Gronk boner!

…but I guess if you like the Patriots and enjoy America’s constant attempts at being the next Free Credit Report Dot Com Band, you’ll like this. Just don’t let anyone hear you listening to it (or do, and tell them it’s a terrible new They Might Be Giants CD).

[h/t The Big Leadq]