Even with a pisspoor college schedule this week, we finally have our NFL Sundays back. Here are the best matchups of the weeknd. One side or another in ALL CAPS.

Week 1 of College Football over WEEK 2 OF COLLEGE FOOTBALL — Seriously, these matchups are horrible. No Top 25 teams play each other this week. Enjoy watching Your Team this weekend before a pleasant 3-hour nap.

Obscure Leg Injuries over AWESOME FANTASY QUARTERBACKS — I own Peyton Manning in one fantasy league and Tom Brady in another. I already have a bad feeling about Sunday. Tape ‘em up, fellas. You’ve got a game to win, um, I mean stats to accumulate.

Navy o’er BALL STATE — This game is tonight. And that’s about the only worthwhile thing I can say about it.

BILLS over Seahawks — This pick is just to get Matt all cranky after his relaxing vacation. The Bills’ offense is the Model T of the NFL. If the offense had to drive the team to Toronto, they’d never get out of the state.

Cowboys over BROWNS — If this isn’t the 4 PM game in your market, I don’t see how you can be held responsible for your actions. Going Cable is the new Going Postal, everyone.

ARIZONA STATE over Stanford — Here’s an insomniac special for you, better known as a Pac-10 matchup. Dennis Erickson has been building the Sun Devil program back up, and yet we never hear about him.

That’s it. Ufford and Ape should be back in full force next week. It’s been real. It always is.

Power rankings are totally arbitrary, unless you’re one of those cockgobblers that really likes power rankings, in which case they’re even more arbitrary. I don’t know how that’s possible, but it is.

1. Ohio State. Ufford can suck it, provided the Buckeyes get past USC in 8 days.

2. The Return of the NFL. College football is great and all, but there’s more to life than your piss-quality Southern teams, everyone.

3. Meatloaf. Dropping a deuce in your own car? That’s a bonus.

4. Linda Hogan. The Hulkster’s wife is gonna run wild on his millions and make Michael Strahan’s divorce look friendly and amicable. Don’t ever get married, fellas. Especially if you are a world wrestling heavyweight champion with a reality show.

5. WAGs. I don’t have a clue what WAG stands for, but I like ‘em.

6. Brandon Jacobs, truckin’ fools in the Giants’ win over Washington last night.

7. Freedom. Marion Jones has it.

8. Las Vegas, Nevada. Yes, I did this post just so I could make that photoshop.

9. Drew Magary’s book. Don’t buy it. Wait for the movie to come out.

10. Steroids. Still awesome. That was pretty much my face in high school.

This is the first time I’ve seen this Peyton Manning skit, so it’s new to me. But then again, I hate SNL almost as much as personal hygiene and spending time with my family, but we haven’t seen any Peyton Manning videos in a while, so there.

I don’t think Peyton Manning really likes meatloaf. Unless it’s meatloaf in the ass. And by meatloaf, I mean…you see where I’m going with that.

[NewsSports]

Former American sprinter and third-tier piece of Olympic ass Marion Jones was released from federal custody this morning, which is fortunate, because the Prison Olympics just ended. From Y! Sports:

Jones left a halfway house in San Antonio around 8 a.m., said LaTanya Robinson, a community corrections manager for the federal Bureau of Prisons. Jones, who has a house in Austin, will remain on probation.

…The sprinter admitted last October that she used a designer steroid known as “the clear” from September 2000 to July 2001. The drug was linked to the Bay Area Laboratory Co-Operative, the lab that became the center of a steroids scandal that touched numerous professional athletes, including baseball star Barry Bonds.

I don’t have a problem with steroids in any sport. These are world-class athletes that are sacrificing more of their time and livelihood than any weekend warrior ever would. What I do have a problem with is that wayward snaggletooth Marion has. Damn, girl! Get some braces on that grill!

And that team was South Carolina, who was ranked 24th heading into last night’s game. It was Vandy’s first such victory at home since 1992. While a short wave of BCS fever sweeps over the Nashville campus, it’s time to point and laugh at the second South Carolina team to soil itself on national television in five days. South Carolina is a program that Steve Spurrier still can’t seem to get into top gear. Well, I guess we can finally put the rumors to rest. There actually is at least one black guy playing for Vanderbilt.

Regardless of how you feel about Ohio State, there was little arguement that the biggest “Your Team Just Took One In The Ass” moment from college football last week was the injury to Buckeyes tailback Chris “Beanie” Wells. Wells was considered by many to be the frontrunner in this year’s Heisman Trophy race, and it looks like Coach Tressel won’t play him in tomorrow’s game against Ohio University. From Y! Sports:

“Beanie won’t go this week,” Tressel said Thursday afternoon. “I feel good about his progress, but it wasn’t enough progress to practice through yesterday.”

Asked if he worries that Wells may not be available when the Buckeyes play at No. 1 Southern California on Sept. 13, Tressel added: “No, not at all. Not at all. But that’s easy to say today.”

Ohio State has not allowed him to speak with reporters since he was injured, although he was quoted as saying by a team spokesman that he was relieved that X-rays had not shown any broken bones.

Everyone and their mother knew it was either muscle or ligament damage as soon as it happened, so the negative X-ray is just a tick on a dog’s ass, really. There’s no reason to play him this week; he’ll need to be healthy for Ohio State to compete against Southern Cal next week. Wells is a lot like a panda, except that he’s not Chinese and doesn’t eat bamboo. Nor does he enjoy any federal protection from being driven into extinction. But other than that, Beanie might as well be American for “panda.”

But they weren’t seen together, I should point out. Tiger was in town over the weekend to rehab his knee (no, seriously), while Phelps was spotted at McCarren Airport Thursday. It doesn’t say if he was arriving or leaving, but I hope to holy balls he was arriving. The weekday whores in Vegas are just deplorable. UPDATE: Apparently Phelps was doing a bit of breaststoking at the Playboy Club. I guess the girls there would be attractive. And clean.

As for Montel, he was seen at the Hard Rock Hotel, well, actually playing poker. The talk show host is an avid player, even recently hosting a poker tournament as a benefit for MS. And of course it was the white guy with eight gold medals that wasn’t instantly indentifiable by his first name. That’s why my nickname in college was Bang Cock Dangerous.

[via Ben Maller]

We know that Titans quarterback Vince Young has been following the meat market for quite some time. But now the former Texas Longhorn is looking to peddle his succulent wares in Texas, where I guess they like throwing stuff on the grill and eating it. From the Austin American-Statesman (via Game On):

Earl Campbell Sausage has been around for years. But now here comes sausage rookie Vince Young, the UT quarterback who led the Longhorns to the national championship. Vince has a new company called Vince Young Foods that sells smoked sausage, smoked brisket and smoked ribs.

“What he wanted to do was get into a business while he was playing,” said Major Adams, Vince’s agent. “He’s looking out for his future now, because he knows the NFL is not for long. He’s trying to prepare himself for life after football.”

I don’t know if being a sausage rookie involves being subject to sausage hazing, and frankly, I’m okay with that. Frankly! Ho, I just made a hot dog joke! And I didn’t even have to make a reference to sucking cock…until just now. Dammit.

Ungainly Angels hurler Jered Weaver will miss his scheduled start tonight due to an injury sustained by that perilous destroyer of careers: the dugout bench.

Weaver sustained cuts on the tips of the middle and ring fingers of his pitching hand while pushing himself up off the Comerica Park dugout bench during Tuesday night’s game against the Tigers. The cuts were not deep enough to require stitches.

“I went to push to get up and gripped where the staples in the upholstery come together, and it just got me,” Weaver said. “It sliced me pretty good. It felt like a paper cut, but a lot deeper.”

Scioscia said Weaver “shouldn’t have any problem pitching on Monday, but we want to make sure he heals up and throws a little bullpen session.”

“Oh yeah, guys. It was like a paper cut, but so much more intense and debilitating. Like a thick construction paper cut. This splinter might take one, two days to get out.”

[Larry Brown Sports]

Because the college apparently needs more money to pay players under the table, the University of Southern California is allowing people to rent one of their famed Song Girls at $150 a pop for appearances. The school’s site touts that they are the most photographed spirit group in college sports, even if most of photos are of the compromising sort.

The request form asks for a brief description of the event, followed by a space where you’re asked what you want the Song Girl to do. Shame that they only provide a few lines for that area. That’s okay, I like to be able to describe the contours of my cock to the Song Girl in person. Doesn’t have the same effect on an application form.

[Busted Coverage]